Anyway, I’ll spend about as much time on the plot as I can only imagine the story-boarders did, which is about two sentences worth: aliens are coming. FUCK THEM. Everything else is basically immaterial; there isn’t so much a script as there are two word vats, one labelled “exposition” and one labelled “one-liners”, the contents of which are ladled with a cheery splat on whichever character happens to pointing at the Loud Thing Happening At The Time. Taylor Kitch is our Hero, a doofus-turned-good determined to marry Chick With Breasts after coming back from some naval practise exercises. Problem is, her Dad is Liam Neeson, and I think we all know enough about Liam Neeson’s frowns to know that he HELLA AIN’T gonna let his daughter marry some renegade Navy commander. BUT, when Kitch is suddenly left in charge of a massive battleship when aliens attack and lock down some bit of water they’re in for some reason (seriously if anything I’m plugging the gaps here) it’s up to him to take out the pesky extra-terrestrials, save the world, solve racism, avenge his brother and shout so damn loudly that we STILL can’t hear any dialogue over the flabbergastingly shredding soundtrack.

So, is he the man for the job? The fact that this is a film where he obviously is says YES, but the fact that his is a face is so bland he’s genuinely trickier to pin-point in a scene than an alien ship deep in the waters of the Pacific says NO. Much of your viewing experience of Battleship will be spent thinking “who is this douche-bag now? Who is this new shouty man?” – the answer is, it’s always Taylor Kitch. Even when you’re SURE it’s someone else, it’s not. It’s him. Even when it’s Rihanna, or Alexander Skarsgård, or that kid who looks like a teen baddie out of Power Rangers, it’s him, and he’s screaming, and the aliens are coming, but are they aliens or is it Taylor Kitch again, and god I can’t think, it’s so loud, so unforgivably loud and hang on, someone was pithy, was that pith that just happened? How can anyone involved in this be capable of pith? TAYLOR! TAYLOR? PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME TAYLOR FOR THAT LASS WHO’S CLIMBING THAT SIGNIFICANT HILL CHEST-FIRST, YOURS IS THE ONLY FACE I KNOW AND THE ONLY ONE I CANNOT REMEMBER.

This is what Battleship does to you, it makes you question the very fibres that make up reality.

The thing is, the thing that makes Battleship so utterly mind-bending is that – despite all evidence to the contrary – it’s not totally devoid of humour. Managing to, at moments, bring a light-hearted self-awareness that Michael Bay could only dream of, this film is almost saved by its own willingness to mock itself, its origins and the fact that everything we’re watching is supremely ridiculous. Surely no writer could insert the line “THEY AIN’T SINKING THIS BATTLESHIP” unless they WANT US to climb aboard and just enjoy the ridiculous ride? But for every jovial aside or grounded remark there are literally four thousand explosions, and by the time we’re supposed to tear up at noble pensioners using a museum-ship to blast the fuck out of Iron-Men: Lizards O’Clock, the whole thing collapses under the weight of its conflicting objectives and sinks with the kind of gravitas borne only of Everything Being Loudly Destroyed Forever.

Ultimately, writing about Battleship feels a bit like jumping about income tax – no human words can possibly do justice to the clattering, booming, spitting and ENDLESS aural onslaught that it mercilessly subjects you to. At the end of the day, or world, or whatever you want to call it, watching this film is certainly a noisy, fever-inducing waste of two and a half hours of your life. But what a waste it is.

Name:

Liam John Neeson

Date of Birth:

7th June 1952

Place of birth:

County Antrim, Northern Ireland

Special moves:

Acting, boxing, fork-lift truck driving, being in terrible things

Films include:

Schindler’s List, Les Miserables, Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace, Love Actually, Batman Begins, Taken, The Grey

What You Probably Already Know

I think it’s probably fair to say that we know Liam Neeson as the trustworthy face of Brit-Hollywood. His noble crags, his coarse but warming burr, the fact that he was only in a couple of minutes of The Next Three Days and at least had the decency to look guilty the entire time – if there’s one man who can be counted on to provide a chin-chuckingly honest portrayal of some windswept poignancy, it’s our man Liam. He got his big Hollywood break in the cult classic superhero flick Darkman (directed by Sam Raimi in 1990), where Liam plays an acid-burnt crime-fighter determined to keep the affections of the forever brilliant Frances McDormand. Raimi wrote and directed the project after failing to get the rights to either the Spiderman or Batman franchises, and the result was a damn good fun action flick that knocks the pants off Spiderman 3 .

Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t off the back of the blast-tastic Darkman that Spielberg offered Neeson the lead in Schindler’s List; that came after he watched him opposite Jodie Foster in 1994 psychological drama Nell. Approaching the actor after admiring his understated but powerful on-screen presence, he offered him the role of Oskar Schindler – the German businessman determined to save as many Jewish people as he could from the horrors of Auschwitz – and one Best Actor nomination later the world was clamouring for a piece of the Neeson. Since then he’s continued to dominate our cinema screens in a formidably diverse number of roles – from devastated super dad in Love Actually to Jedi mind-fighter in The Phantom Menace to actual wolf-murderer in The Grey, his ability to breeze easily from action star to drama huncher to romance crooner is one you don’t come across very often. And with five films out this year alone, it doesn’t much look like he’s planning on slowing down any time soon…

What You Might Not Know

He never would have started with this acting lark had it not been for some lass he fancied. Yep, our Liam (named after the local priest, doncha know) was actually far more interested in boxing as a young lad, becoming Ulster amateur senior boxing champion at one point, which we’re sure is much more impressive than it sounds. He ended up auditioning for a school play when he was eleven because he knew a girl he fancied was keen on the noble art, and found he enjoyed larking about and shouting a lot more than he first suspected. Still, that didn’t stop him from deciding to study Physics And Computer Science at Queen’s University Belfast, which he promptly gave up to work at the Guinness factory. MAKE A DECISION LIAM, WOULD YOU?

Leaping casually from career to career – forklift driver, teacher-in-training, trucker – Neeson eventually began acting with the Lyric Theatre players in Belfast and a few productions later was convinced to move to London to star in John Boormaker’s Excalibur with Helen Mirren. The two subsequently moved in together (who can blame him, the sly dog), and by all accounts he was mainly in charge of cooking fish and being annoyed. Unlike Mirren however, Neeson made a decision to move to leave London for Hollywood in 1987, sure that that was where the leading roles for him were. And, to be fair, he was totally right. And it looks like America still feels like home, as it’s where he currently raises his two sons Michael and Daniel. His lovely wife Natasha Richardson died in 2009 as a result of a skiing injury, but we don’t have many funny things to say about that so we’ll leave it there.

Liam Neeson quote

“And before we go on the air, the woman says to me, ‘I’m going to throw you a question, something like, “Mr. Neeson, if Star Wars is on one channel and Schindler’s List is on the other, which one do you watch?”‘ And oh, but that gets me started. I mean, I start to tell her, one represents six million people, six million lives, the other is just, just fantasy! But then my son steps in and — he’s so smart — says, ‘Excuse me, ma’am. Why don’t you say Star Wars on one channel and Taken on the other?’ That’s what made me happy. And I looked that way, because right before I went on, my son, he can see I’m still aggravated, so he just steps up to me and says, ‘Smile, Dad, smile.’ And that’s my bonny boy. His mother just shines through him at moments like that.”

What to say at a dinner party:

“A man who has managed to retain the respect of those most influential in the business of cinema-craft, and yet also one who continues to pull in mainstream audiences – there is certainly no denying that Liam Neeson will be remembered as one of the canniest, as well as genuinely loved, actors of his generation.”

What not to say at a dinner party:

“Shall we ask him to join us in the Alps?”

Final thought

We forgive you Clash Of The Titans, Liam. We forgive you Clash, and Wrath, and we even forgive all that business with Jar Jar Binks. But please, we beg of you, no more working at Guinness factories. Trying to veer away from lazy Irish stereotypes is difficult enough for us as it is. Battleship is out tomorrow! We have to watch it because life isn’t fair!

Word is that our pal Liam has signed onto a new Warner Bros action romp Non-Stop, which will see him play an air-marshal ready to TAKE DOWN some terrorist plane action. Jeff Wadlow of Cry_Wolf fame will be directing (fame? We sure as hell haven’t watched it, but we DID watch the hilariously bad Prey he wrote back in 2007, so that’s something), and the script will be written by John Richardson and Chris Roach, who haven’t yet done anything of note. All in all, this could go any which way.

Pleased about Neeson’s new hatred of films with quiet soundtracks? TALK TO US:

WE LOVE BATMAN NEWS STUFF!

Ra’s al Ghul, as all comic book fans will know, is one of Batman’s most talented opponents. The international assassin seeks to purge the world of evil by, well, wiping out most of humanity. And, thanks to the restoring powers of the Lazarus Pits, he’s pretty much able to live forever.

In Batman Begins, Liam Neeson’s version of Ra’s al Ghul acted as Bruce Wayne’s mentor, training him in martial arts and plenty of other ninja-style activities. Eventually, Brucie figured out that Liam’s intentions were pure evil and that he had planned to destroy Gotham City.

Not cool Liam. Not cool.

Basically, we saw Christian Bale leaving Ra’s al Ghul to die in a train crash. Did we see him actually die? Not so much. So there’s a slim possibility that The Dark Knight Rises writers have done their research and decided to include the Lazarus Pits, in a bid to keep their supervillain alive for a few more sequels.

Or Liam could be back for nothing more than a flashback scene. We already know that Josh Pence is set to play YOUNG Ra’s al Ghul in a flashback scene set 30 years before the events of Batman Begins. Who’s to say Liam Neeson doesn’t just nicely round off that flashback, hmm?

Neeson wasn’t on set for very long during filming, but that’s not to say his role is set to be a small one.

So… cameo? Flashback? Supervillain risen from the grave? WE JUST DON’T KNOW! Is this even news anymore or have we descended into a babbling cacophony of madness?

What do you think, Batman fans?

Carrying the tempting legend “From Hasbro the creators of Transformers” and the strapline “The battle for the Earth begins at sea”, the posters show stars Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgård, Taylor Kitsch and BLOODY RIHANNA, as well as a Big Daddy from BioShock or something. Look at these (click them and they’ll get MASSIVE):

We don’t have a single solitary thing to say.

Battleship is out on 11th April (the posters lie, unless you’re in Italy). Don’t see it.

That’s basically going to be it – sure, Zeus (Liam Neeson, for Olympus’ sake) turns to sand or something, and Andromeda/Rosamund Pike is going to fuel the fires of a million barely-pubescent erections with her *ahem* breastplate, but in essence this film is Sam ‘look what a big ledge I’ve got’ Worthington fighting a series of badly researched CGI monsters. Want to see the trailer?

RALPH FIENNES WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

Message ends.

Daniels is reportedly keen to secure Neeson as President Lyndon B. Johnson (one of eight presidents due to appear in the film over the course of the titular butler’s decades-long stint working at the White House). Neeson was also Daniels’ first choice for the role of President Johnson in his civil rights drama Selma, which finally hit the rocks last year after a sojourn in development hell.

Winfrey (who would be playing possible lead David Oyelowo’s wife) and John Cusack (Richard Nixon!) are apparently now near-certs, whilst Mila Kunis is considering playing Jackie Kennedy. Rumour has it Hugh Jackman may also be involved – he was also signed up for Selma, although we’re concerned that if he takes anything else on this year he’ll never find time for The Wolverine.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a huge Star Wars fan. For years my bedroom was festooned with plastic lightsabers, Expanded Universe novels and pages of printed-out cheats for every LucasArts video game going (turns out I was a crap Jedi). My Jar Jar Binks impression was the envy of literally three of my contemporaries, and slip into Yodaese I could like nobody’s business. In short, ten year old me would have been psyched to attend the multimedia preview of the first ever Star Wars film to be rereleased in 3D. Whatever happened?

From the moment I arrived at the Empire in Leicester Square, the latent fanboy in me was in revolt. Stormtroopers? What the hell are Stormtroopers doing at the launch of a film that predates their existence by 13 in-universe years? As any fule kno, the Stormtrooper Corps wasn’t created until the formation of the Galactic Empire at the end of Episode III – but as probably the second most easily identifiable relic of the series (the first being Darth Vader, obviously), it was inevitable that Fox would dust off some of their old uniforms in order to give the hundreds of children and pathetic adults present the opportunity to pose with the iconic white-clad villains. There was also a chap dressed as Darth Maul, but his carefully applied face paint and glowing lightsaber were slightly offset by the fact that he was a bit fat in exactly the way that Ray Park wasn’t. Also, one side of his saber kept going out.

Once I’d negotiated the crowds of idiots clamouring to squeeze onto a tiny patch of greenscreen or cuddle R2D2 (sans Kenny Baker, presumably), the insanity continued. Fox’s Director of Marketing was accompanied to the front of the theatre by his armoured cohorts (and Darth Maul, whose lightsaber had given up completely by this point), and after he’d oozed platitudes for a couple of minutes he ceded the mic to none other than Anthony Daniels aka C3PO. Now, nobody’s arguing about Daniels’ importance – he’s the only actor to appear, after a fashion, in all six films and his companionship with R2D2 is one of the series’ immortal constants. But why was he here, in a non-metallic suit, making crap jokes? It seemed odd that given the most commonly cited justification for 3D (that it eliminates a dimension of suspension of disbelief, bringing the audience closer to the action), the event’s organisers were so determined to remind the audience that NONE OF THIS IS REAL.

Anyway, the film finally started – and at the moment that the weirdly glistening LucasFilm logo appeared, popping out of the screen like Milla Jovovich’s tits in Resident Evil – Something 3D, we were reminded of just how colossal an ego trip this whole venture is for George Lucas. The traditional opening crawl actually looks really great as it disappears into the depths of space, but from the moment the camera swoops down towards Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan’s spaceship the magic is, largely, dead. The shabby animatronic Neimoidians look even more ridiculous than they did in 1999, and their cod Chinese accents are ludicrously offensive, particularly given their job of kicking off the memorably inane script. And then – oh look, it’s Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor! God knows we can’t blame them for taking such lucrative gigs, but from their first few stumbling lines it’s clear that not even these fine actors will be able to save their dully pious Jedi characters.

You’ve all seen the film before, so I shan’t bother to spell out the plot except to say that, against all the odds, Jar Jar Binks actually appears to have lost a dimension during the transition to 3D. The overwhelmingly human lead cast highlights just how out of place and uncomfortably animated he looks – whether it’s his stupid fucking ears, his worryingly Minstrel-esque voice or the incredible slapstick which is his sole reason for existing. Seriously, George Lucas, was it necessary to make Jar Jar step in some shit on Tatooine? Dear me.

Episode I‘s major redeeming feature was always its high-energy action sequences, and nothing’s changed. The climactic podrace is certainly enhanced by the use of 3D, as is the final lightsaber duel between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul – in both cases the overflowing kinetic force of the scenes themselves are turned up to eleven by the sensitively applied effects. In fact, the 3D is impressive throughout – The Phantom Menace compares very well to many of the other films which have received post-conversion treatment over the past couple of years, although I suspect Titanic will sink them all (ha!) when it’s finally released this April after a conversion process that’s taken well over two and a half years. The added effects are impressive when they need to be and unobtrusive when they don’t, blending into what is already a CGI-heavy film with little of the awkwardness of Clash of the Titans and the like.

In many ways, this is the great failing of The Phantom Menace 3D. Its conversion does indeed render the experience of watching it (particularly on the big screen) more immersive than ever before – and with less of a physical barrier between the audience and the action, it’s even harder to ignore just what an amateurish film this is. The script is terrible, the characterisation scarcely exists and the plot is roughly bolted together to ensure the next high-octane sequence is never too far away. Great lumps of clunky exposition litter the dialogue (“Qui-Gon, I’ve been wondering – what are midichlorians?”) and Jake Lloyd is once more able to remind us that, against all the odds, he was actually a worse Anakin than Hayden Christensen. It’s an achievement of sorts, I suppose.

The original Star Wars trilogy retains its status as a crowning achievement in sci-fi, even if its good name was sullied by the disastrous prequels (of which Episode I can arguably call itself the worst). But how on earth are its 70s and 80s effects going to stand up to the 3D treatment? Fans were horrified when the Ewoks started blinking – they’ll never stand for this. Seeing Star Wars: Episode I again reminded me why I haven’t watched it in years – it’s a film for children in a way that the originals never were, and I fear that this unnecessary and counterproductive re-release will do nothing but remind a generation of current and former fans just how easily amused their preteen selves were. Call off the other conversions, George – the Force is anything but with this misguided venture.

Watch it. We’ll talk after.

Some initial thoughts:

- The point of the Battleship game, surely, is that you cannot see your nemesis. No? Intrigue through strategy and all that? Director Peter Berg’s philosophy seems to do away with that namby-pamby mystery element and insists that less may be more, but more is EVERYTHING EXPLODING FOREVER

- The baddies are spiky tires. So this film is basically Rubber, but with added Megatron.

- Your serious British guy talking says “take this premise seriously”, but your screaming guitar shredding says “YEAHHHHHH DEATH TO EVERYTHING MOTHERF*CKERRRR”

- “They’ve created a barrier. No-one can get in or out.” “Well, we do have someone on the inside.” “Well, who?” CUT TO RIHANNA! RIHANNA’S ON THE INSIDE, THAT’S WHO’S ON THE INSIDE! THANK GOD EARTH IS SAVED BECAUSE RIHANNA IS ON THE INSIDE!

- Taylor Kitsch is totes gonna have a punch-up with that alien on the boat, and it’ll be well bad-ass because who even knows whether those aliens have elbows and stuff?

- WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO SLEEP WITH RIHANNA?

Our eyes hurt now.