The first trailer for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is here, and we’ve gone all super-sleuth on it to find you as many titbits of Middle-earth info as we can. Need some opinions? We’re literally giving them away:

IN THIS ONE HE’S HOLDING A STICK!!!

Take a deep breath and prepare yourself for an exhaustive year of EPIC action films. 2012 is the official year of explosive sequels, daring superheroes and hardcore fairy tales. Just make sure you have an oxygen tank nearby.

Roll up for the latest in Hobbity goodness.

Yeah alright, they’re basically the same as the last ones, BUT WE DON’T CARE

If this film had come out three or four years ago, it almost certainly would have sunk Martin Freeman’s career without trace – and even as it stands, he’d better hope Peter Jackson never gets wind of it. Crude, unfunny, technically negligible and featuring an unforgivable scene starring Mandy Moore and a cucumber, this is the worst British ‘comedy’ in years.

God it’s LOVELY

Do you think it might actually happen?

GO ON, HANDLEBAR-FACE!

First picture of the cast of continually problematic The Hobbit