Thor is back, and the God of Thunder’s got a new gang. Lady Sif and the Warriors Three are still about, but (courtesy of the increasingly confused Marvel Cinematic Universe) Thor’s now attended by some new celestial hangers-on. Say hello to the Muse of Stilted Dialogue, the Sibyl of Utterly Predictable Action Sequences and the Demon of Irrelevant Villains, coming together to make a film so grotesquely misshapen that it’ll actually make you look forward to all the plagiarised bits. Sort of.

LADS ON PLANES

In the soon-to-hit-cinemas Thor: The Dark World, Christopher Eccleston is due to play Malekath the Accursed, Lord of the Dark Elves of Svartalfheim (let’s hope that Svartalfheim has a north). In honour of this completely mad choice of villain, we’re heading into the Marvel vaults to find ten bad guys even more deserving of a starring role in the new films.

You might need a microscope.

COULSON COULSON COULSON

Keeping it low-key with a dagger and a nice leather catsuit.

Fair warning: we really enjoy a good superhero film around these parts. Between the things-that-go-boom, intriguingly flawed morals and healthy bit of eye candy for the baser animals among us, the superhero movie has quickly become the Elton John of genres – even though your nan might not agree with his ‘lifestyle’, she’ll always shed a tear every time she hears Candle in the Wind. However, it is our belief that if the genre is to gain any real respect among the film community, it’s going to need to start some passion projects…

Four years on from the rightly slated X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Hugh Jackman’s adamantium-clawed mercenary is back for his sixth film and fifth starring role. But can James Mangold undo Gavin Hood’s misdeeds and restore Wolverine’s place as king of the Marvel superheroes? Despite a surfeit of ninjas and pseudo-noir cinematography, it turns out he can’t.…

Hmm.

Let’s all thank Man Of Steel’s box office returns for scaring Marvel into signing a goddamn cheque for once