Welcome To Underland

It’s thirteen years since Alice first followed the time-keeping rabbit, and now, as a nineteen year old girl expected to be soon married, she regards Wonderland as little more than a strange dream she once had. However, after being proposed to by the wettest man in the world, she suddenly spies the infamous rabbit once again, and follows him into a world she’d forgotten existed. But Underland (she got it wrong the first time) is not the world it once was, as the tyrannical Red Queen has taken control. It’s up to Alice – along with The Mad Hatter, The Dormouse, The March Hare and the twins TweedleDum and Tweedledee – to overthrow the Red Queen, and place her sister The White Queen back into power. But the problem is, the Queen has the Jabberwocky onside, and only a savior can slay him.

Less Than Curiouser

The wonderful, maddening thing about Lewis Carroll’s novels is that he presents situations that make no sense, proposes questions with no answers, riddles that cannot be resolved. He opens up the idea of logic, sense and story with his wonderful paradoxes, confusing poor Alice almost to madness. Instead of using this basis of Wonderland, Burton – or perhaps more specifically writer Linda Woolverton – decides to do the exact opposite. This is a Wonderland of answers. At the very beginning of her adventure, Alice is presented with a scroll that prophesizes her return, stating that she will slay the jabberwocky. So there you go, Burton seems to say, job done. The riddles have been taken out, the confusion is gone and all that is left is a flat, dull quest with an inevitable conclusion. And Johnny Depp wears contact lenses. So, you know, that’s good.

Alice-by-numbers

The characters are predictable and fairly joyless – with the exception of the Cheshire Cat, where kudos has to got to the design team for truly amazing CGI. Helena BC is good, but not as good as you think she’s going to be, and Alice herself has the personality of a playing card. And not one of the ones attacking. Her constant monotone rabbiting of “but this is all a dream” only serves to make you want to bash her in the face for her stupidity, and it’s only through a lot of very convenient plot holes (“do you happen to have…” “Yes I do!”) that her story gets pushed to its supremely obvious conclusion.

Riddle Me This

Throughout the film, Depp keeps asking one of the hatter’s most famous riddles, “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” In the novels, of course poor Alice is never given an answer. In this film however, Alice dully asks him outright, “Hatter, why is a raven like a writing desk?” He grins meekly, and states “I have no idea”. Carroll knew that the power of Wonderland lay in its maddening mysteries, not in underwhelming answers. Our message to the Alice team would be this; leave Carroll’s questions hanging. They looked better where they were.

Were you underwhelmed by Underland or was your journey down the rabbit hole a magical one? Let us know below

But we can’t help but think that with the all-star team and special effects budget that Burton had to play with, he could have been replaced with a fire-safety video and the end result would still have been an epic block-buster (and possibly a lot safer, fire-wise.) So we put this to Team Alice, sure you can do it, but could you have done it without your massively huge amounts of stonking huge massive cash? (Yeah there’s two ‘massives’ in there, but you know what, they could afford to pay for words twice.) We think not.

Luckily, here at Best For Film, we’ve devised a way in which the exact same film can be made, on a fraction of the budget. And you know what that means? Hell yes. A lot more money for those executive piss-seats we were talking about. The high life my friend. Take a look at our casting, and see if you can spot the difference. In some cases, we reckon the improvement is astonishing.

Alice

Mia Wasikowska/Kerry Katona

Picture the scene- a deserted supermarket aisle. A young girl, on an innocent search for a party-pack of prawns, digs deep within an abandoned freezer. Suddenly- in she falls! A glorious descent into Wonder Iceland- a world where every night is budget-pie night, where your friends are singing D-list celebrities with mini-quiches in their hands and darkness in their eyes. It’s the party that never ends! Ever. Dance for us. Dance, you shiny gathering of the damned. You wanted a dark fairytale. It doesn’t get much darker than that.

The Mad Hatter

Johnny Depp/Roy Chubby Brown

Now let’s be honest here. Sure Johnny Depp is good at all that so called “acting”, but how is he at being horrifyingly racist, sexist and unexpectedly violent? Exactly. Ever tried to hold a pint when you’ve got scissors for hands, Johnny? We thought not. Too busy with your “actor’s intentions” and your “cheekbone-enhancing exercises”. Chubby Brown would put the ‘mad’ back into the ‘mad hatter’, as well as the ‘brilliantly offensive’ back into ‘tea party’.

The Red Queen

Helena Bonham Carter/Dot Cotton

Now here is an example of how expensive CGI is often completely unneccesary. Which face has been electronically mutated? We’re not even sure they know. Sure, Dot might not be much of a super-villain, and she’ll get you your shirts back as clean as a whistle, but would you want to live in a world where the Cotton stares up at you from every pound note? No. No you wouldn’t. Helena can be really really married to Tim Burton all she likes, but at the end of the day, Dot would bring her years (and years, and years and years and years) of being a mad old trout to the role. And there’s no substitute for experience.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum

Matt Lucas and Matt Lucas/Ross Kemp and Shaun Williamson

Yet again, think of the millions in CGI that could have been saved if only Hollywood had known what we know. Sure, there are a couple of minute differences between Ross and Shaun, but you know what you do? Keep em moving! It’s an entirely new character trait! Tweedledee and Tweedledum, two boys who bop the days and nights away, a continuous jostling motion, meaning you never quite get a proper look at their ever-blurred physique. Forget 3D, this technique will bring the world of film-making to its knees. Keep leaping Shaun. Keep that beat going.

The White Rabbit

Michael Sheen And Some Computers Somewhere/Sweep

Sometimes – and this is a lesson that Tim Burton, bless him, has yet to learn – less is more. Yes, sure, you could communicate the horrors of a panicked society by having the voice of Michael Sheen yabbering at you, holding a massive clock and parroting “I’m late! I’m late!”, or you could have the baleful, eternity-filled silent stare of Sweep. Looking into your very soul. Reminding you of all you’ve never done, and all you will never do. Sweep – I think we’ll all agree – is due an Oscar. This could be his time.

The Cheshire Cat

Stephen Fry And Some CGI Bullshit/Bagpuss

You know why? Because in the world that we have created; where young Kerry is chased by massive packets of half-price figs, where the mad-hatter unexpectedly shits on the doormouse and tries to have sex with the March Hare, where the Queen chain-smokes her kingdom into a sudsy Daz-based oblivion, twins won’t stop dancing and the only silence to be found is in the horrifying stare of the rabbit/dog that is supposed to guide you, you need a bit of calm. Bagpuss. Your gravelly tones will save us all.

A Wonderland you’d like to visit? Let us know below, and if you have any more suggestions, add them to the pack…