Neil Jordan’s newest offering is a blood-soaked, barmy tour de force, anchored firmly by its two leads, Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan. There are definite strains of Jordan’s previous foray into the genre present here, but where Interview with A Vampire was all about male power play, Byzantium is concerned with the struggle of women in a world where men will constantly seek to drag them down. Beautifully filmed, and bolstered by its generally strong cast and a couple of suitably flamboyant touches, Byzantium is – despite belonging to a seriously over saturated genre – a vampire film that you can actually sink your teeth into.

Pedro Almodóvar’s new film Los Amantes Pasajeros, or I’m So Excited to us English-speaking jerks, is officially out in cinemas everyone! It’s obviously going to be totally weird because it’s by Pedro Almodóvar. Did you guys see that movie, The Skin I Live In? WHAT WAS THAT? Anyway, this film is more or less The Skin I Live In On a Plane. More importantly, though, the film shares its English title with a very famous song by The Pointer Sisters, which got us thinking: what other films out there have famous songs for titles? Turns out, loads. Because nothing in this wretched world is original.

This week is looking up already.

Edward Cullen is rolling in his not grave right now.

Ssh, nobody mention how much better Saoirse is!

Love blossoms when a father least expects in Neil Jordan’s modern day fairytale. Blessed with pretty shots of the Irish coast and a close-knit fishing village where everyone pokes their noses into their neighbours’ business, Ondine is a picture postcard to the Emerald Isle. British audiences who struggle with a thick accent would probably benefit from subtitles when characters chew the fat, so some of Jordan’s script is lost to the Atlantic breeze. In truth, it’s not a great loss because for all the blah blahrney, we learn very little about the protagonists or their passions, and the central romance is rather wet – like the actors after a tumble in the briny.