It’s 2005, and Operation Red Wings have been tasked with tracking down and eliminating Taliban leader Ahmad Shah. Navy Lieutenant Michael P. Murphy (Taylor Kitsch), Navy Hospital Corpsman Second Class Marcus Luttrell (Mark Wahlberg), Petty Officer Second Class Matthew G. Axelson (Ben Foster) and Petty Officer Second Class Danny P. Dietz (Emile Hirsch) are picked…

Savages is curious, in that it’s not the sort of film you might associate with the often solemn, politicised pictures of Oliver Stone. In contrast, this is a lively, breezy crime-thriller, buoyed by a sunny tone, some very dark humour, and – a few bland leads aside – some very memorable characters.

What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.

Don’t you hate it when you lose $200 million?

Taylor Kitsch bounces around a not-so-distant planet as one of the most ordinarily-named sci-fi heroes ever. It’s a fun film, but it probably would’ve done better on its opening weekend with a more revealing title, like ‘The Martian Messiah,’ or something.

Someone told her Chris Brown was round the corner.

EXPLODEY EXPLODEY EXPLODEY RIHANNA EXPLODEY

“You are ugly, but you are beautiful!” – good line

Anyone but Shia LaBeouf…

We’re not totally sure we can get our heads around this, so bear with us. R&B princess Rihanna has announced that she will star in an adaptation of the board game Battleships, opposite Alexander Skarsgaard of True Blood. And you think that’s weird enough? You aint heard nothing yet…