Twitter has lit up this morning with the news that Tom Daley, that lovely diver boy who now seems to do more TV than swimming, has outed himself as bisexual in a pleasant and unassuming little YouTube video. So, obviously, we’re getting a blog out of it. YOU KNOW HOW WE DO.

Hey, you know that saying about the eyes being the window to your soul? What if the window opened up into a nightmare, wrapped in a murder, nestled in an insane asylum? Don’t understand? You will, my friend, oh you will.

The witching hour approaches and the fire is burning low, dear friends. So gather close and listen we list some of the greatest Halloween classics to… what? Made them up? Of course not! All of these are one hundred percent genuine films. If by genuine you mean that they came to us in a dream and we wrote them down and crudely edited some images. In that case they totally are.

Regular as a clockwork digestive system full of Branflakes, it’s our weekly cheat sheet! This week, we thought we’d give you a leg up for all those inevitable discussions about Black Swan with some insider info on our absolute favourite Queen of Naboo: it’s Natalie Portman.

How often have you been left cringing by a truly toe-curlingly, brain-numbingly, mind-bendingly offensive accent? At least 10 times so say we. Whether you’re Scottish, Irish, Welsh or English, prepare for a nostalgia-fest of infuriating proportions.

Ten years of film all neatly rolled into one awesomely epic list of greats! Feast your eyes on the Top 30 Films of the Decade.

Ever wanted to know if John Cusack could pull off a goatee? The wait is over.

Ninja Assassin is an abysmal car crash of a movie, not even redeemed by its semi-slick and overly-repetitious fight scenes. Jeong Ji-hoon, AKA Rain, gurns and grunts his way through this daft revenge fantasy as Raizo, a trained-from-childhood ninja who becomes disillusioned with his taskmasters’ shady dealings and harsh discipline. The Wachowski brothers once more prove themselves as a laughing stock, a one-trick-pony whose sell by date expired at the precise moment the first Matrix film ended. With any luck, this dreck will be the last we see of ’em, and good riddance.