Prepare yourself for a relentless onslaught of legendary British voices, classic Aardman stylings, slick 3D and more Christmas spirit than you could shake even a really big candy cane at – it could only be Arthur Christmas. And it’s totally, overwhelmingly charming, just like you knew it would be. What are you doing on a computer? Just go and watch it, Scrooge – and would it kill you to wear a snazzy jumper?
Hollywood’s busiest and worst actor is at it again, with two films out this week alone (he filmed them both at the weekend). But does the wreckage of a once great actor lurk somewhere within Cage’s permatanned skull, forever besieged with gruesome memories of Season of the Witch and National Treasure: Book of Secrets? You’ll have to read on to find out… [SPOILER: probably not]
Immortals is out, and that’s as good a reason as any to get so drunk that you start calling your wedding tackle ‘Poseidon’ and telling it you’ll sacrifice a white bull to it just as soon as one trots out of the sea. Make sure you don’t substitute another bull, though, or your testicles might turn into a MInotaur. Or something. Can you tell that we’ve already started drinking?
It’ll be a poor man’s I, Robot. Eh, Tash? Eh?
How to Stop Being a Loser is out in just a few days – but how can you stop unless you know how you started? Our handy guide to Loserville, TN (population: you) will help you navigate the treacherous terrain of social acceptance without becoming a one-note joke in American Pie. Does anyone even remember the Sherminator?
Oh hi, Tarsem Singh. Ever heard of Icarus? Yeah, he was the son of Daedalus, escaped from Crete with wings made of wax, all that. Dead? Yeah, he’s dead – flew too close to the sun, arrogant little tit. Hubristic? Yeah, I suppose he was – still, at least he didn’t have the gall to make Immortals. Did he, Tarsem Singh? DID HE?
Snipe London
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