5 More Films The Vatican Doesn’t Want You To See

5 – Dogma
Reported reason for objection – Blasphemy
Actual reason for objection – Failure on the part of the director

Kevin Smith’s irreverent take on Catholicism caused quite a stir upon its release. However, when asked if he was offended by Smith’s interpretation of Christianity, the Vatican’s official response was: “We were more offended by his limited visual range. Also, Chris Rock, really? A good stand up does not an actor make”. The Vatican recently changed its policy re: Smith, conceding that Red State was “at least trying something different, even if it was structurally inept”.

4 – I Love You, Philip Morris
Reported reason for objection – Promotion of gay marriage and kleptomania
Actual reason for objection – Performance of Ewan McGregor

This Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor comedy about a man who realises he’s gay and becomes a con man to maintain a lavish lifestyle received good reviews on its release, though The Vatican were less than impressed, with their biggest criticism reserved for McGregor specifically: “When will he stop doing accents? Big Fish was bad enough. He hasn’t better Shallow Grave, for me. And also, that Davidoff advert, where he’s climbing the fucking mountain? What a wanker”.

3 – Juno
Reported reason for objection – Promotion of underage sex
Actual reason for objection – Dislike of twee indie music

As well as bagging an Oscar for Diablo Cody’s quirky, sharp and insightful script, Juno has contributed more than its fair share to pop culture, its success spearheading the popularity of indie and anti-folk such as Kimya Dawson and The Mouldy Peaches, as well as making every awkward teenage girl everywhere fall in love with Michael Cera. The Vatican’s response was simple: “Can’t fucking abide Ellen Page. I don’t often say this, but I hope she burns in hell”. Ouch, way to sit on the fence The Vatican, geez.

2 – Antichrist
Reported reason for objection – Sexual deviance, infanticide
Actual reason for objection – Doesn’t “get” Lars Von Trier

Lars Von Trier courts controversy wherever he goes, and Antichrist’s graphic depiction of Charlotte Gainsbourg’s descent into madness which included her cutting off her clitoris and brick-bashing Willem Defoe’s knob, before hand-wanking its bloodied shaft, certainly lived up to the hype. You’d expect The Vatican to be mortified. Wrong again: “She cuts her clit off AND WHAT FAM? I heard he made this when he was suffering from Depression. I don’t wanna pay £12 to be Lars Von Trier’s psychiatrist, you feel me?” We feel you Vatican.

1 – E.T
Reported reason for objection – Belief in extra-terrestrial lifeforms
Actual reason for objection – Overrated

E.T is one of Spielberg’s finest films and will always go down as a classic of modern cinema. Don’t try telling that to The Vatican though. “Mawkish, sentimental gobshite”. The Vatican then slugged a belt of whiskey and had a piss. Maybe if it watched E.T in a better mood, maybe.

So there you have it, The Vatican is harder to please than you might think. Oddly enough though, The Vatican is a big fan of late 90s Brooke Shields comedy Suddenly Susan. Strange thing, Religion.

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