Exploitation, Exploitation, Exploitation! Bring back the grindhouse!
The exploitation film is a sight to behold – taking a specific subject and writing a film around it, usually to include as much sex, violence and profanity as possible. The 70s and 80s are widely acknowledged as the golden age of exploitation cinema, with blaxploitation classic Shaft becoming a household name. Other obscure but fascinating subjects include nunsploitation, britsploitation, nazisploitation, and as Machete has heavily riffed on, mexploitation. Surely it’s time to bring back these movies in all their lurid glory?? Any kind of cinema which brings us titles such as The Great Hollywood Rape Slaughter and Sinful Nuns of St. Valentines can only be a good thing – and here are some ‘sploitations which we would pay good money to see….
They forgot to put the cat out – and now the cat will take them out! Tiddles is one cool cat, but when his pimp owners forget to let him out one night, this moggy doesnt just piss on the carpet – he takes out the trash!
: The Bastard Snow
The United Kingdom. Once the proud head of a worldwide empire, steadfast survivor of two world wars, and countless invasion attempts. But nothing prepared us for this….snow. As the powder descends thick and fast onto a rural Essex town, it falls to a witty and charming film journalist to battle his way through rail cancellations and milk shortages. As the fatalities mount it becomes clear that the inhabitants are facing a fight for their lives from the cold and deadly LIVING SNOW! Sample Dialogue – “Sir, the A127 is a mess, the people need your help”
“What do you want me to do Goddammit?? We just don’t have enough grit!”
When a promising pub player’s progress to the premier league is blocked by corrupt officials, the tungsten-tipped slaughter begins! With some disgustingly graphic fight scenes, this grimy boozer-based slasher film is perhaps the most exciting to ever feature Bobby George and Phil “The Power” Taylor in cameo roles.
: To Me, To You!
Finally, the twin princes of the North, Paul and Barry Chuckle get their own feature presentation! Looking to move into more difficult roles, the mustachioed brothers take the leads in this erotic comedy, as Paul just can’t stop having it off with those married women! With bumbling Barry on lookout duty, it’s only a matter of time before the pair get themselves into all sorts of scrapes, and go on the run with a trail of angry bikers in their wake!
: A Cake Worse Than Death
A frustrated baker decides he’s had enough of the corporate chain bakeries driving the cake racket in his high street, so he adds a new ingredient – murder! See death by pastry as his rampage grows out of control, leaving behind a mess of icing-drenched victims! This is what happens when a deranged pastry chef says “no more!” and puts his rivals….on ice!
: Shaggin’ Up The Toon
Loosely based on Sex and The City, but with a male twist, four men from Newcastle get together in the town centre for all manner of drunken escapades. Taking in all the sights of the North East, and oozing with Geordie culture ( a bit like Goal! ahem), this sleazy tale does for the North what Woodstock did for the counterculture.
: All Hail The Ale!
Based partly on Viz’ comic strip character The Brown Bottle, this bizarre movie follows a group of men who create an unusual home brew, which bestows incredible powers on each of them. Heading out on a pshycedelic wander as their heroic alter-egos, they foil a robbery and buy a kebab. As their hangovers kick in, some shady underworld types move in to steal the magic ale, and only one thing can help them – hair of the dog. Featuring some serious claret, (drunken) sex scenes and a lasting hoppy aftertaste, this Hampshire-based shocker is rated X.
: It’s A No From Me – And Now You Die!
Inspired by the current generations obsession with The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, this film takes the best elements of both these shows i.e fashionable young hopefuls getting put down by Simon Cowell, and meshes them spectacularly with the Saw franchise – In this show, getting a “No” could be the difference between life and death as a tyrannical media mogul seeks to up ratings by introducing all manner of hideous traps under his stage. Splat.