Move over, Governator! Our top 5 superhero politicians
So Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared he WILL be back… as the Governator. We don’t know whether to laugh, cry or turn green with jealousy in the face of his utterly shameless raking-in-the-cash-and-loving-it career. Either way, it’s got us thinking – what would British politicians do in the face of hardcore metal-faced danger? Here’s our top 5 Westminster Wonders:
#5 – John Prescott AKA The Incredible Bulk
Super ability: Confusing the enemy
Weakness: Eggs (particularly if launched by disgruntled members of the public)
Famously massive and incomprehensible, Prescott would be the first of the Westminster Wonders to enter the scene of the crime. Using his terrible speeches to initially distract the enemy, he would cause such confusion amongst the baddies that they would be stunned into complete immobility, leaving them vulnerable to further attack. With his intimidating giant physique and history of amateur boxing, you’d be unwise to try and tackle him.
#4 – Nick Clegg AKA Two-Face
Super ability: Deceit
Weakness: Any powerful conservative
With the enemy initially stunned by the gibberish of the Incredible Bulk, Clegg AKA Two-Face would swoop in and lull the bad guy into a false sense of security. He would use his superhuman capacity for deception to persuade the enemy that he is in fact on their side – his speciality is making promises that he can’t keep and pointing out potential weaknesses in his fellow crime-fighters. They will of course be more lies – we know whose side he’s on really.
#3 – David Blunkett AKA Cyclops
Super ability: Seduction
Weakness: Nannies (the sexy young kind, not grandmothers)
Blind since birth, Blunkett AKA Cyclops has to wear impenetrable sunglasses to prevent his life-threatening seduction rays from emitting from his eyes. Now he is older, he able to control his powers. Ok, maybe not. The hunk of the bunch, much like Two-Face Cleggy, Blunkett is able to seduce his enemy with his hypnotic eyes. By now, the enemy are so damn vulnerable they don’t stand a chance. And the politicians have barely done anything worth noting yet – oh they were made for this.
#2 – Harriet Harman AKA Wonder Lady
Super ability: Superhuman speed
Weakness: The Law
The woman of the crew, Harman has a superhuman ability to go insanely fast. She was once seen flying down a motorway at 99mph! Ok, it was in a car but what does that matter? She uses her super speed to round up the enemy and draw them in for the final attack. If babies/money/young, beautiful rich girls etc are in danger, she zooms off to their location and saves them from inevitable death. Her only downfall is the ruthlessly imposed speed limits on British roads – she has been caught so many times, her superhero license may soon be taken off her and she’ll have to cycle or something. At least she’ll be saving the planet in more ways than one; then this woman could kill two birds with one stone if she wanted. Badass.
#1 – Peter Mandelson AKA The Hate Machine
Super ability: Causing so much rage and hate amongst his enemies that they turn on each other.
Weakness: None (he’s a machine)
Mandelson is the overlord of the Westminster Wonders. He strolls onto the scene at the last minute to destroy the enemy once and for all with his incredible power to instil so much hatred in them that they turn on each other/themselves/begin to eat their own eyes etc. His power is so strong that the rest of the crime-fighting quintet has to create an invisible shield around them to block out his voice. Mandelson himself wears a black mask (à la Darth Vader) to ensure his fellow superheroes aren’t affected by the sight of his hideous powerful face. The only trouble is that the Westminster Wonders have trouble trusting and respecting their leader – this is problematic and probably the only reason why this completely ingenious band of superhero brothers (and sister) doesn’t actually exist.
Have we missed one out? Who would you like to see turned into a comic-book wonder?