*It’s been a long cold winter at BFF Towers, and the cracks are beginning to show – Kathryn is confined to barracks with friction burns caused during her fourteenth consecutive viewing of Magic Mike, Tessa has spent the past three days crafting a perfect sentence about Chariots of Fire before finding out it’s not about Roger Bannister, and John looks like he’s slept in a hedge. Still, perhaps Hannah will save the day…*

Hannah (spotting potentially dangerous meteors):
This is a bit of a slow week isn’t it. Oh no, hang on just a feakin minute! BATMAN COMES OUT THIS WEEK! Well won’t that be fun! But alas that must wait till Friday… in the mean time, what I really, really want to see is Bollywood movie Cocktail. No, I haven’t had a temporal lobe removed, I saw the trailer for this last week and it looked so shiny and pretty! My inner magpie flew around the cinema in a flight of joy at the prospect! (Yes, Anastasia Steele has an inner goddess, I have an inner magpie. It likes sequins and warm sunny days.) With no warm, sunny days insight however, why would I want to go and see Ice Age: Continental Drift? Too much ice, too many historical inaccuracies… nowhere safe for a magpie to perch. Screw it.

Orange Choice: Cocktail
Ultimate Lemon: Ice Age: Continental Drift

John (reluctantly carrying sandbags to the battlements):
This week my Orange is heading all the way to Mayfair and the chic jewellery shop owned by Timothy Spall UNTIL IT GETS ALL FUCKED UP BY ROBBERS – in case that doesn’t make any sense to you, it’s the first third of the plot of Comes a Bright Day, a beautiful little dramedy which showcases Submarine star Craig Roberts alongside a varied galaxy of other homegrown stars. Save your lemons for Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – Steve Carell and Keira Knightley make about one good film a decade each, and the odds of this pre-apocalyptic nonsense hitting the spot for both of them are pretty small.

Orange Choice: Comes a Bright Day
Ultimate Lemon: Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Tessa (tainting her arrows with anti-vacuity poisons):
Mid-week already? Doesn’t time just whip on by when you’re having fun. With the Olympics just around the corner, it seems only right that this week’s half-time Orange segments go to the gloriously rereleased Chariots of Fire. There’s some running, some Stephen Fry and a great soundtrack. Sure I haven’t actually seen it and I thought it was about Roger Bannister, but I think you can trust my judgment on this one. Also Hannah’s friend rated it as ‘really good’. I haven’t seen the bitter, bitter lemon of Seeking a Friend for the End of the World either but I don’t need to. Anything Keira Knightley brings her chin and her self-indulgent laugh to is going to get a thumbs down from me. Such a nice idea, ruined by terrible characters.

Orange Choice: Chariots of Fire
Ultimate Lemon: Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Steven (painting on the woad):
You all live in London, right? Then do as I can’t and get over to Enfield for another go on Joss Whedon’s Avengers ride before it disappears from UK multiplexes for good. After all, the Dark Knight is due to rise and you should probably have a proper superhero movie fresh in your mind to compare it to. As for Ice Age 4, it’s just as crap as it was last week. The sooner this franchise is extinct the better.

Orange Choice: Avengers Assemble
Ultimate Lemon: Ice Age: Continental Drift

*Blimey, you’ll never guess who it is!*

Kathryn (muttering incoherently from the sick bay):
In all honesty, having only just about stopped hyperventilating every time the words Magic and/or Mike are mentioned in conversation (more than you might think), I’m not adequately steeled to sit in a dark room where there’s even a hint of nudity yet, so in light of that, I shall be hurtling towards the least sexual Batman incarnation in his final outing in The Dark Knight Rises. There’s no nipples on the suit anymore, so I should be all right. [Kathryn is evidently still running on codeine and oestrogen – TDKR isn’t out yet, alas…] Whatever the state of my shredded libido, there’s nothing in the world that could make me see Ice Age: Continental Drift. I’d rather see Magic Mike again in a room full of heterosexual men.

Orange Choice: probably having a quiet lie down. Right, Kathryn?
Ultimate Lemon: Ice Age: Continental Drift

*Oh dear. See you next week, assuming you’re not all watching Batman cavort onscreen for the millionth time, glued to your cinema seats by drool and semen. Yum.*