Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #100 – CENTENARY EDITION
*Well, gang, here we are again. Tash, you’d better start us off.*
Tash (Winter 2009 – DEATH AND BEYOND. Queen of us all):
Let’s see now. Whether to see Movie 43, a film that – according to police reports – makes Valentine’s Day look like Citizen Kane and New Year’s Eve look like the first time your baby walked, or a blackly violent Korean animation about CHILDREN PIGS. I don’t want to see Kate Winslet do a ‘WHOOPSIE’ face, I don’t want to re-affirm my faith in Hugh Jackman’s homosexuality, and I don’t want Emma Stone to know I’ve watched her at her lowest point. The King Of Pigs is what I’ll be watching, and HOT DAMN it looks like a cross between Oldboy, Monkey Dust and the kind of metaphors George Orwell would take over a farm for.
Orange Choice: The King of Pigs
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Guessing that’s not the last time Movie 43 is going to get it in the neck today. What do you have for us, Papa?*
Papa Neish (Winter 2010; two years of reporting from the frozen wastes of Dundee):
With cinemas now trailering the academy nominees in butt-numbing three-hour blocks, you’re frankly going to need the biggest orange yet if you’re to sustain yourself through the award-winning performances, auteurial direction and celebrated cinematography to the loo at the end of the movie. Of all the budding Best Pictures currently congesting your local multiplex, the one most worth 1/8th of your Wednesday is in my opinion Life of Pi. Filming the unfilmable to bring you the story of one boy and his Bengal tiger, Ang Lee has created a film so potent that it’ll make you believe in the power of cinema (and 3D), if not necessarily God Himself. In the stacks this week for a good lemoning are Hugh Jackman, Dennis Quaid, Kate Winslet and the other half of Hollywood responsible for Movie 43: the worst film Adam Sandler never made.
Orange Choice: Life of Pi
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Right, we’re obviously going to need to break up the Movie 43 hatred. Anyone got anything else? Caroline?*
Caroline (Autumn 2011; runs her own site now, what a badass):
What a difference a year makes. One moment you’re in BFF towers, being dry humped by John Underwood and fisted by a unicorn, the next you’re a copywriter in Richmond, being dry humped by a labradoodle and fisted by a slightly larger labradoodle. Sunrise, sunset. Anyway, my Orange choice this week is The Wee Man. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Yes, seriously. For a brief period after my BFF internship, Kayleigh Dray introduced me to the movie scene, which led to me having a brief friendship with the crew behind The Wee Man. Brief friendship in this case, translates to them letting me eat off their catering table. I lemon in the face of Lincoln. I probably wouldn’t hate Lincoln so much if Django Unchained didn’t exist and was far, far superior – but it does, and I do. Fuck you, Abe. You don’t love slaves half as much as Christoph Waltz does.
Orange Choice: The Wee Man
Ultimate Lemon: Lincoln
*That was certainly different. Paddy, do you even know how this works?*
Paddy (Autumn 2010; probably the biggest bona fide film nerd we’ve got):
Fun fact: I’m actually so old skool here at BFF that my tenure as an intern was over before this feature even came into being. As such, I’m both excited and proud to contribute my first OWL during its historic centenary (though in keeping with a recent rebranding campaign, shouldn’t we be calling it EELs or something now?). Introductions aside, it’s certainly a case of highs and lows at the cinema this week. Lincoln is great, I’ve heard good things about The Sessions, Django is still riding high, but – on the other hand – Movie 43 exists, which pretty much taints everything else. Currently being branded one of the worst films ever, this star studded gross-out comedy represents everything that’s wrong with modern cinema. Please, let it sink. Meanwhile, if you want your brain to tick rather than dribble out of your ear, I’d recommend Kathryn Bigelow’s expertly made latest, Zero Dark Thirty.
Orange Choice: Zero Dark Thirty
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*BOOM. SLD, leave your loins alone for a moment and give us your thoughts!*
SLD (Spring/Summer 2011; BFF’s only qualified lawyer):
Do you like courtroom drama? Can you handle the truth? If so, then my top Clementine is Lincoln. It seems that old Abe was a truly lovely man who likes to hold people’s hands, speak in a splendidly silly voice and fight with men who can’t decide whether long beards or bushy moustaches are the most hip. Tommy Lee Jones gets to call people “fantastic nincompoops,” James Spader is a fat, sweaty, hilarious delight (channelling at least one Musketeer) and Sally Field gets to be an utter pain, doing nothing to stop the notion that all women with height of less than 5ft4 are bitter poison-dwarves. That being said, Lincoln is a glorious tale of the abolition of slavery (in name) and a Spielberg saccharine special. As lemon juice drips steadily into my eyes, however, I look up and ask the heavens “Why exactly was Movie 43 even made?” This film is awful – short interconnected films rarely work but this time a host of big names seem to have all undergone selective career amnesia. Hugh Jackman, shame on you, Jean Valjean would rather stay in a French prison for twenty more years than watch this atrocity and, personally, I’d rather watch The Human Centipede 43.
Orange Choice: Lincoln
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Fuckssake, people, can we have maybe one Lemon in four that isn’t Movie 43? Harry, sort them out.*
Harry (Summer 2011; cinema king for Sabotage Times. We taught him all he knows):
It’s Oscar season, and you know what that means? A slew of award-courting bollocks near collapsing under the weight of its own self satisfaction, biopics chief among them. Sure, Lincoln probably has a good central performance, but it is essentially a lie, or at least, a severely whitewashed truth, and I’m not into that. Movie 43 was described by a colleague as being “in very bad taste,” which usually means there’s at least one fart joke, and what film couldn’t benefit from a fart joke? Spielberg, take note.
Orange Choice: Movie 43
Ultimate Lemon: Lincoln
*…well, that’s one way to do it. Time for a new blood! Carlotta, if you’re going to make it into the BFF Hall of Fame this had better be good…*
Carlotta (NOW; assaults men she met on the Internet in train stations):
A century of OWLs! Well… not quite. But still, how exciting! And still only my fourth OWL, I feel privileged. I’m going to present my Orange to Lincoln; having researched basically all of Daniel Day-Lewis’ life in last week’s Cheat Sheet, I know he’s going to give a heartfelt performance and frankly, I adore him. Okay yeah, bla bla, it might be too long and boring and serious, but I’m a bit of a geek and I’m genuinely interested in having a history lesson this week. Especially after seeing Django (AMAZING) – I’m interested to see the ‘Oscar-worthy’ slavery film. My Lemon (sorry folks) is going to Zero Dark Thirty. High and mighty though it may be deemed to be, I know that after seeing it once I’ll probably never see it again. It drags in places, I know what’s going to happen, and despite the brilliant ending it didn’t justify enduring 3 hours of it. I know… I’m just too much of a rebel for my own good.
Orange Choice: Lincoln
Ultimate Lemon: Zero Dark Thirty
*Holy shit, did Carlotta just put a mister before a sister? We need a FEMINIST RADIO HOST in here, stat!*
Kathryn (Summer 2012; Raising the Bra on an internet near you):
Doing it for the laydeez since ‘09, The Hurt Locker director Kathryn Bigelow is back with a brand-new Chastain-flavoured rap in Zero Dark Thirty. I would take James Cameron (her ex) himself to see this, I am that excited, and there aren’t even any naked men. I mean, there’s Navy SEALs, which is almost as good, but the point is that The Help’s Jessica Chastain, waving the flag for the anti-Hathaway, is in it, and it’s a VERY IMPORTANT WAR FILM that isn’t made by a VERY IMPORTANT MAN. Guns and an undercurrent of lady-empowerment? Yes please. Movie 43, on the other hand, can suck my feminist balls. Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman must have been as high as Tom Hardy in Warrior to get suckered into this unfunny vomit-porn extravaganza. Not even the promise of Halle Berry’s boobs covered in guacamole is enough to get me into that cinema seat.
Orange Choice: Zero Dark Thirty
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Phew – back to boy/girl/boy/girl. Duncan, is that an opinion in your pocket or are you just pleased to see us?*
DVB (hanging around for two straight years; has made a PROPER REAL FILM):
The thing about this week is that it’s pretending to be a good week, when actually it’s kind of an average week. Sure, Zero Dark Thirty was the best reviewed film of 2012, and – despite what you’ve heard – really doesn’t condone the actions of its protagonists. And Lincoln is big, beautiful, important and… deathly, deathly dull. Really, there’s only one essential film on general release this week – and it’s still Django Unchained. Joining the Movie 43 hecklers reeks a little of shooting fish – But like with John Carter, I’m fascinated by the monumental scale of this failure. I want a New York Times slam piece in the vein of their takedown of The Canyons. I want to know EVERYTHING about why this movie sucks as badly as it does. How did they get balls on Jackman’s chin? How did Elizabeth Banks end up directing a cartoon cat as it sprayed her with piss? How Halle Berry, in general? Answers people, answers!
Orange Choice: Django Unchained
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Really original, Duncan. If only we had, for example, a renegade cartoonist and playwright to mix things up! O HAI FLORRIE*
Florrie (Winter 2011; find her on Radio 4 and drawing dinosaurs):
Well it’s the 100th anniversary of the OWLS and what better way to celebrate than by going to see a really great movie tonight? Break out the popcorn! Crack open those cans of refreshing soda pop! Etc! Naturally, you’ll want to be avoiding Won’t Back Down, a film so unappealing that I had to check its name THREE times on IMDb before writing this sentence. Maggie Gyllenhaal is a mother? Who does a thing at an inner city school? No thanks! I’ll be watching something worthwhile this evening! The thing is, does anyone actually want to pay to watch boring Oscar fodder like Lincoln or Zero Dark Thirty or Movie 43? I don’t think so. That’s why I’ve chosen something both relevant AND compelling: a YouTube video of two owls “playing tennis”. Omg guys it’s like Murray vs. Federer all over again, only with much less down.
Orange Choice: Some owls playing tennis
Ultimate Lemon: Won’t Back Down
*That’s more like it. Ray, you’d better come up with a dancing turtle or some shit:*
Ray (NOW; got food poisoning from watching Movie 43 last night):
Ever since seeing There Will Be Blood four (or was it five?) times in the cinema when it first came out during my first year of uni, I have been in awe of Daniel Day-Lewis. Now everyone says he will make history by taking a third best actor gong, and I’m realizing that I still haven’t seen his first gonger in My Left Foot. I can’t stand the idea of only having had the pleasure of seeing a third of the great man’s Oscar-winning performances should he win next month, so I’ll have to swallow my distasteful Spielberg scepticism and chew on America’s constitutional battle to end slavery for a few hours. Lincoln it is. I’ve seen The Last Stand‘s trailer three times in the cinema recently, and I think that’s about all I can take. Schwarzenegger’s baffling ability to keep popping his Austrian accent into my life every year has taken too much of a toll for me to bear any more. Fore this reason I shall be searching for some sort of app that can replace his face and voice on my internet browser and phone with something more pleasant, like Juliette Binoche or something. And I shall certainly not be going to see The Last Stand, for I’ve already made my own.
Orange Choice: Lincoln
Ultimate Lemon: The Last Stand
*Something tells us Hannah isn’t going to agree with you, Ray…*
Hannah (Summer 2012; largely responsible for you having to avoid Piggy):
I might be the only person in the world right now who has no interest in anything that is out in the cinema. Tigers in boats? Whatevs. Slaves with attitude? Blah. What can lift me out of this 2013 gloom? I’m glad you asked. Arnie. 65-year-old, gun toting, Austrian accented man-machine. This week Schwarzenegger has taken my orange and blasted it into a million sticky little segments. The Last Stand looks like my favourite old woolly jumper. I’ve worn it a million times but it is comfy and reassuring. Sure, The Last Stand offers nothing new, but Arnie says cool lines in an awesome way. Speaking of cool lines and awesome people, Abraham Lincoln sure was a man who could deliver a speech. Too bad Lincoln looks like the most overly worthy wank-fest ever. If I wanted a history lesson I’d open a book. More aliens please, Spielberg. Less Oscar jizz. Thank you.
Orange Choice: The Last Stand
Ultimate Lemon: Lincoln
*Eli, you’ve actually seen The Last Stand so you’re obviously not going to pick it. What’s on your list?*
Eli (Winter 2012; can be found mining popcorn in a Picturehouse quarry):
So much epic. TOO MUCH epic. There’s not a film showing at my local pictureplex that doesn’t assault the three hour mark this week. Lincoln Unchained, Zero Misérables, it’s all too much of a commitment for my commitment-phobic posterior. Adverts included, Hollywood is asking for over 200 minutes of my precious, precious time. Instead I’m going to gift my plump and juicy orange code to lean Irish drama What Richard Did, because being thrilled by Irish things is a favourite pastime of mine. And I really want to know what he did. Or DIDN’T do. There could be a twist in there, folks. If I had the time, I’d throw bags of the most expensive, exotic lemons available at Movie 43. I hate seeing Terrence Howard degrade himself for money. For a guy who plays so many pimp-like characters, he’s a major prostitute and Movie 43 looks like a new low.
Orange Choice: What Richard Did
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Well, that seems reasonable. Tessa, you’re rarely reasonable – thoughts?*
Tessa (Summer 2012; tried to bully Sherlock Holmes into giving her a job):
There’s nothing I can really say that will change your mind about seeing Django Unchained – you’re either watching it or you’re not. Be warned though, it’s actually quite upsetting. Deep, harrowing, to your very core, holy god humanity what were you thinking upsetting. There’s something about a man crying in a tree that made my soul want to weep. SO, instead, I’m going to base my OWL on a trailer and a poster I’ve seen. Lincoln, looks a bit dry doesn’t it? Very interesting but heavens that trailer was tedious. Also, I thought Daniel Day Lewis was black so it’s come as quite a shock to discover he’s very white. The poster for Movie 43, what’s all that about eh? I’ve no idea. Apparently it’s got the largest cast ever assembled. What a hoot! That’s where I’ll be heading this evening, just so I can find out what it is (I could probably Google it), formulate an opinion and tell it to strangers on the tube. Have a great Wednesday, y’all.
Orange Choice: Movie 43
Ultimate Lemon: Lincoln
*God bless Tessa, our most reliable madness-broker. Cal, you’ve been quiet so far…*
Cal (has been promising to intern since 2010; best buds with Peter Serafinowiczxiz):
I’ll just say what we’re all thinking: Daniel Day Lewis is totally mad, isn’t he? A bewildering boggart, able to take the shape of any fictional character or dead president he chooses. He’s mesmerising in Lincoln; from the odd walk to the voice that makes it sound like he might break into song at any moment, I’d say he deserves an Oscar. All of the Oscars. Bury him up to his neck in Oscars. The film itself is profound, heartbreaking and at times a little funny. Sure it’s quite long, but you know what else was quite long? Slavery. So stop moaning and spend a couple of hours watching Daniel Day Lewis act his little bum off. And then there’s Movie 43. Seeing the name left me frightened and irritable. Seeing the trailer? I had a small aneurysm. Please don’t make me watch the whole thing. Ever. I think we should bury it in a time capsule that’s only to be dug up once the sun has died.
Orange Choice: Lincoln
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*From a far-flung freelancer to a writer so dedicated she’s at BFF Towers RIGHT NOW – take it away, Kayleigh darling.*
Kayleigh (Autumn 2011; still about, will probably inherit BFF when John kills himself):
My Orange this week, perhaps controversially, goes to The Last Stand. Why? Why haven’t I chosen Lincoln or Zero Dark Thirty, both Oscar-nominated films with an outstanding response from critics? Because I bloody love Arnold Schwarzenegger and I was always going to go and see him tote machine guns, punch people in the face, drive cars very fast, deliver pun-heavy lines with as much charm as a felled oak tree can muster and wear sunglasses indoors. Formulaic action? Mayhaps. Unadulterated entertainment? Definitely. My plus-one has no idea of the pure joy this popcorn-fest will bring him just yet, but I’m sure he’ll thank me with unshed tears shining in his eyes. My lemon, on the other hand, goes to Won’t Back Down. Because Maggie Gyllenhaal deserves better than this oversimplified tripe.
Orange Choice: The Last Stand
Ultimate Lemon: Won’t Back Down
*Perhaps it’s time for some purple prose. Vincent, you’re one of our most flagrant word count ignorers; festoon us with tangled skeins of verbiage!*
Vincent (Winter 2012; is still planning a bloody book about Japan):
We’ve been spoilt for choice recently. With such heavy contenders going up against each other in the run-up to the Oscars, it was a particularly difficult task to pick the most ripe orange from the fruit stand of cinema. I’ve plumped for a juicy segment of Lincoln, which is a phenomenal film. I never thought that a bunch of old white guys exchanging 19th Century slurs would be enthralling, but alas, it is so. The 100th Lemon goes to Movie 43 because, seriously, fuck that movie.
Orange Choice: Lincoln
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Oh well, brevity’s the soul of wit anyway. Flossie, stop hunting that haggis and talk to us!*
Flossie (NOW; is subject to mysterious and suspect rib strains):
I’m feeling proud to be part of Best For Film’s hundredth Orange Wednesday blog post, and especially as it is such a good week in cinema to have it. There are a lot of great Oscar nominated films in the cinema at the moment: Django Unchained, Lincoln and The Sessions, to name a few. However, my orange this week has got to be awarded to Zero Dark Thirty, Kathryn Bigelow’s hunt for Osama bin Laden. Its controversial scenes of torture have sparked a lot of debate, and even some non-violent protesting at screenings of the film, but when I saw the film it didn’t seem to be promoting torture as the protestors would have you believe, it seemed to present the facts in Bigelow’s docu-drama style with a superb performance from Jessica Chastain. My lemon of the week is Movie 43; the ghastly gross-out ensemble comedy currently gathering so many box office receipts. Although I’ve already vented frustration over this film, I will reiterate: any film where a man defecates on a woman’s face for the sake of a quick laugh is to be avoided at all costs.
Orange Choice: Zero Dark Thirty
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*Yep, more Movie 43 hate. Alex, you’re a famously contrary soul – mix it up for the nice readers?*
Alex (Autumn/Winter 2012; works in literally every pub in London):
Don’t see Lincoln. There’s just no point, and do you know why? Because it’s going to be brilliant. Of course it is. Daniel Day Lewis will be like watching the real Abe Lincoln resurrected, and Tommy Lee Jones will steal the film by being all Tommy Lee Jones everywhere. It’ll be smart, gorgeous and brilliant. BORING. There’s no conversation there. It’s Oscar season and you’re burnt out on brilliant. Go and see Movie 43 and see a film that you can engage in debate with afterwards! Movie 43 is, by all accounts, fucking atrocious. Sounds like fun, right?! The majority of Hollywood all trying to be funny and failing? Genius! Couldn’t have planned it better myself. Go and see that, and debate who’s the worst, which bit is the most horrifically unfunny, and what dirt Peter Farrelly had on them all in the first place. And if you somehow turn out to enjoy it, alls the better! If it’s great, you’ll laugh, and if it’s awful, you’ll laugh. Why go for Old White Leader, when you could be ‘Owling With Laughter?
Orange Choice: Movie 43
Ultimate Lemon: Lincoln
*This is pointless, nobody is going to see Movie 43 no matter how much we tell them to. Oh wait, yes they will – they’re all idiots. Alice, put those plebs in their place!*
Alice (Spring 2011; still owes us a review of Cross):
Tina and Amy weren’t entirely joking when they said whoever spent three years married to James Cameron knows something about torture (that guy is batshit cray). That in itself may be (warped) reason enough to vote Zero Dark Thirty as my orange, but I also have a bit of a girl crush on Jessica Chastain, plus I feel guilty for not having seen The Hurt Locker. Speaking of torture, I think I’d rather have lemons squeezed into my gaping eyes, Clockwork Orange-style, than pay to see Movie 43. This is a film that has been described as “the Citizen Kane of awful”; a movie so crass and unfunny that even the combined starry talent of Emma Stone, Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman cannot rescue it from the brown, smelly depths of the cinematic toilet. Please, please do not encourage Peter Farrelly to make a sequel. Avoid.
Orange Choice: Zero Dark Thirty
Ultimate Lemon: Movie 43
*And we’re nearly done! John, do you have a single opinion that hasn’t already been aired?*
John (Summer 2010 and still going; wondering where the last three years went):
I don’t have the slightest interest in going to the cinema tonight; I’m planning to sit at home, look at this Who’s Who of all the brilliant writers sailing under the BFF flag, and hug myself with glee. Then finish streaming Taken (it’s actually quite good – who knew?). If you insist on going out, though, my pick of the week and the month remains Django Unchained – you can always bluff your way through a conversation about Lincoln, it’s all bloody speeches anyway. That said, anything that erases the memory of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is broadly a good thing; my Lemon goes to Zero Dark Thirty, because I really didn’t enjoy The Hurt Locker and I think that if you’re honest with yourself, you didn’t either. Plus I hate knowing how a film’s going to end.
Orange Choice: Django Unchained
Ultimate Lemon: Zero Dark Thirty
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