Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #109

*Humanity, as seen in this week’s big Wednesday flicks Oblivion and Spring Breakers, is hopelessly, hopelessly flawed. Whether it’s something as little as stealing “borrowing” a cigarette (hey there, Nina) or something as big as letting our planet go to rack and ruin (thanks a bunch, Cruise), there’s no denying that our mistakes have consequences. Big bad consequences. But you know what? They make BLOODY good movies, don’t they? The folks at Best For Film Towers are practically perfect, but we think we’ve discovered their innermost weaknesses and, in a heady mixture of film recommendations and embarrassing revelations, we’re going to celebrate them, damn it. Megan, take it away…*


Megan (can’t ride a bicycle, doesn’t give a rat’s arse):
If I absolutely must admit to a weakness, I think I’m going to have to go for my fascination with sci-fi (feel free to add in anything supernatural or fantasy based here). There’s just something about broken worlds, edgy survivors and strange aliens that just grabs me hook, line and sinker. As such there’s only one flick on my to-do list and that’s Cruise’s latest effort, Oblivion. Everything looks so bright and shiny on the surface but there definitely something hinky going on down below and I’m going to find out exactly what even if it kills me, damnit! On the other side of things, nothing on this good Earth, not even the threat of a slow, horrible death, would convince me to part with my money to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Disney returns to its head of the nanny-state with a belittling of the supernatural realm, creating a leaf-ankled, goody-two-shoes that will teach you all about how to be a good person. Puh-leeese! Give me gargantuan guns and evil beasties to kill any day!

Orange Choice: Oblivion
Ultimate Lemon: The Odd Life of Timothy Green


*You can’t ride a bike? That’s a bit… no, fine. We said this was all about CELEBRATING our imperfections (Underwood, stop giggling!) so we support you and your lack of pedalling. Sarah, you’re up – reveal to us the darkest speck on your soul!*


Sarah (hates Christopher Walken, for deeply personal reasons of her own):
Orange begins with O, and so does Oblivion, so I’m picking it as my one to watch this Wednesday. Actually, that’s not the only reason why I’m picking Tom Cruise‘s latest. It’s an original-looking idea for one, and two – movie-goers will like it. The critics have torn it to pieces in their various reviews when the film came out today, but I reckon us mere mortals won’t mind a bit of sci-fi. What has Tom ever done to any of them, eh? Brit-flick All Things To All Men gets a lemon to the knee from me this week, based purely on the fact it’s a snooze-fest. The words “From the makers of Kidulthood and Adulthood” on the posters mean absolutely nothing. Rufus Sewell is not as good as he likes to think he is. Toby Stephens is comatose. Lenny Kravitz is played over the credits in a last ditch attempt to make you think you just watched a decent film. AVOID THIS LEMONY MADNESS.

Orange Choice: Oblivion
Ultimate Lemon: All Things To All Men


*So Sarah hates Christopher Walken. That’s… that’s a perfectly reasona… that’s fine then. Okay. Yes. Kayleigh, do you have any deep dark secret flaws you want to bare to the world?*


Kayleigh (has a fetish for obscure French boardgames, doesn’t care who knows it):
Yeah guys, well done. We all KNOW Oblivion is out and it’s good and it has Tom Cruise in it. We’re obviously all going to rush to the cinema to watch it as soon as the working day is done, most likely clutching a small bag of popcorn and a Martini – that’s what our Wednesdays are MADE for! But I’m going to bestow my juicy orange upon Harmony Korine‘s Spring Breakers instead, because Vanessa Hudgens AND Justin Bieber’s ex-girlfriend are putting people off what is, despite my misgivings, an actually alright movie. Sure, there’s no ACTUAL aliens in it – but James Franco plays a rapper CALLED Alien. That’s got to be worth a look, right?

On the other hand, I’m hurling my lemon as hard as possible into The Odd Life Of Timothy Green. Fingers crossed all that citric acid will do some serious damage to Jennifer Garner’s shrub of a son.

Orange Choice: Spring Breakers
Ultimate Lemon: The Odd Life Of Timothy Green


*Sacré bleu! We never saw THAT one coming. French board games, eh? Who’d have thunk it… John, you’re essentially the most perfect example of a human being. Do you have ANYTHING to bring to the table here?*


John (forms intense emotional attachments to whales he’s never met):
With a snippet of sunshine peeking over the horizon for the first time in months, I don’t have the slightest intention of going to the cinema tonight. But if you’ve already topped up your Vitamin D because you don’t work in the essentially blacked-out Best For Film Towers, you could do a lot worse than checking out Spring Breakers, Harmony Korine’s frothing, hedonistic celebration of a typically over-the-top and ridiculous American tradition. When you’ve done that, find a cinema that’s showing The Odd Life of Timothy Green and piss through their letterbox. Somebody has to put Jennifer Garner in her place once and for all.

OrangeChoice: Spring Breakers
Ultimate Lemon: The Odd Life of Timothy Green


*So John, your parentage; was it a case of the Tin Man and the kid from Free Willy getting together, overloading on the booze and having a one night stand in beach-based beauty spot? No? Fine then. Nina, you’re… missing. Again. Nina?*


Nina (has no corporeal form, apparently):
This is probably just because we’ve had an alien themed week here at BFF – but I’m 100% sure THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. So, I’m going to endeavor to discover said TRUTH by nipping to the local cinema with a lucky human companion and watching Hollywood’s newest take on extra-terrestrial life: Oblivion. From what I gather Tom Cruise is in a post-alien invasion world and he’s got a big gun. One of the greatest members of our species, Morgan Freeman, is also in it. All of this sounds MINT. You know what doesn’t go well with mint? Lemons. So I won’t be seeing Dark Skies tonight. It just looks a bit blah. There’s the classic creepy kid who’s all like “mommy, the sandman came to my room” and the classic load of birds flying into the house bit. I’ve seen all this before in a million other alien films. There’s no point in seeing Dark Skies; it just won’t teach me anything new. Now THAT is THE TRUTH.

Orange Choice: Oblivion
Ultimate Lemon: Dark Skies


*So that’s that then; Best For Film’s weaknesses AND their top movie choices for this week have been revealed. Do with them what you will. Until next time, imperfect ones!*

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