Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #11

*After last week’s frantic orgy of Adjustment Bureau-induced fury, we were hoping for a fairly calm and collected OWLing session this week. Alas, the robot which plans cinema releases felt differently, with not one but two mad awful films seemingly provided exclusively to enrage the otherwise placid inhabitants of Best For Film Towers. This might be a good time to put on that hard hat you’re always boasting about…*

Tash (trying to battle with quantum physics and failing miserably):
I just can’t wait to not watch Hall Pass. People will say to me “did you see Hall Pass?” And I will grimace, and say “No, because it looks offensive, stupid, utterly inane and you sir are a fool for suggesting it. Now hand me my coat, I’m leaving.” It’ll involve a lot of waiting around not wearing my coat but the subsequent rebuttal-flourish will be well worth the brush with hypothermia. It just looks dreadful, and I’m already ashamed of Stephen Merchant for allowing a plastic version of his face to deck the halls of the London Underground. In terms of what I shall be watching, it has to be The Tempest. Just because it will sound good at the end of my flourish – “…and anyway, I’m off to see Helen Mirren in The Tempest now *fade to awesome*”

Orange Choice: The Tempest
Ultimate Lemon: Hall Pass


Papa Neish (got a review on the Vue website! Huzzah!):
Neither of my films this week wholly encapsulate the inherent polarities of their respective fruit (now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write), but in this here grey area Chalet Girl is the only one to have raped my face with a smile so GARGANTUAN that I look as though I’m choking on a mouth-sized slice of orange. It may look like it was filmed in between takes of Scotland’s Children In Need to save money, and it may lack originality by the chalet load, but gosh-darn-it I’m going again and you should too! The same can’t be said for Battle: Los Angeles, unfortunately, a swirl of badly rendered sushi and Team America types that completely misses the point of alien invasions: fun. You have your orders.

Orange Choice: Chalet Girl
Ultimate Lemon: Battle: Los Angeles


Alice (should probably just start mainlining tea):
This week I am going to sink quietly into a bad film-induced funk as the prospect of Hall Pass reaching the top ten box office becomes very likely. So, I am appealing to British film goers to take a stand against The Man (in this case whoever funded this self-indulgent ‘comedy’). If you suddenly feel the urge to go to the cinema and pay good money to see Owen Wilson acting like a douche, try putting your head between your legs and counting to ten. Instead, choose to see something quiet, relevant and touching like The Company Men. Please; for the sake of cinema.

Orange Choice: The Company Men
Ultimate Lemon: Hall Pass


Jim (can be mistaken for Will Self in poor light):
This week’s orange has got to be Norwegian Wood. Adapted from the Murakami novel of the same name, Norwegian Wood is a timeless, tragic and visually stunning story of love, loss and sexuality that really cannot be missed. My lemon this week is probably about as far from that as can possibly be imagined and the the easiest decision I’ve had to make for A WHILE: Battle: Los Angeles. Imagine Independence Day without Will ‘welcome to earf’ Smith or any of the awe-inspiring special effects that made it such a cinematic spectacle. Battle: Los Angeles is a poisonous piece of warmongering that will leave you nostalgic for the day when special effects were actually special and not just CGI renderings seen from a distance.

Orange Choice: Norwegian Wood
Ultimate Lemon: Battle: Los Angeles


*Magda’s simply not bloody having this.*

Magda (has just discovered the existence of ‘nap rooms’):
I think Owen Wilson is often quite funny, in a sleepy way, and his nose looks like a big willy. But Hall Pass will be all about women crocheting and looking fondly at their willy-shaking-manbabies and I can’t be arsed. The good news? Battle: Los Angeles is ORANGE TIME! I’ve seen it, I know. Of course it’s shit. What’s your point? Aliens, explosions, Michelle Rodgriguez looking hot with a gun (again), identikit marines being all hoo.RAH and dialogue gems like “you’re the bravest marine I EVER MET” (to a little kid who’s done bugger all except survive and is patently not a marine). Coat shit with enough cinematic MSG, you can eat that stuff with a spoon! Hoo.RAH!

Orange Choice: Battle: Los Angeles
Ultimate Lemon: Hall Pass


Dan: (has nightmares about computers that swallow him whole)
This week’s orange is the weird and wonderful Norwegian Wood. It’s a strange and unique take on teenage angst, first love and other relationship stuff that should, by rights, be laughable, but is instead really great once you sit back and realise that not all cinema has to involve aliens landing or Sean Penn shouting to be dramatic. Lemon this week is The Resident. What is it with Hilary Swank? Anyone remember Boy’s Don’t Cry? She was aces in that but, let’s face it, that was a long time ago. Now Hilary seems to flit between material tailored specifically for Oscar glory or genre pieces to boring to contemplate. Hilary, you are an immensely powerful Hollywood player. Ignore your team of agents and management, find a new, up and coming director and MAKE A DECENT FILM!

Orange Choice: Norwegian Wood
Ultimate Lemon: The Resident


John (probably the worst committee-er in the world):
I can’t say with much conviction that I’d like to see Battle: Los Angeles, but I’ll probably watch the DVD in a year or so, pissed, and think it’s alright. In deference to my future self, I will therefore refrain from dosing it with lemon juice and save all my vituperation for bloody Hall Pass, yet another opportunity for Owen Wilson to shit on the eagerly upturned faces of everyone who thinks he’s quite a good actor when he tries. I’ll be seeing The Company Men, which looks important AND intelligent AND Ben Affleck-y. Owen Wilson must pray for a role in something like The Company Men – you didn’t hear it from me, but I heard they had to change the (originally happy) ending of Marley & Me because he sacrificed the dog to his dark master in an attempt to get cast in Milk. It didn’t work, because he’s a twat.

Orange Choice: The Company Men
Ultimate Lemon: Hall Pass


*Hang on a sec! Cherise has briefly raised her head from some bloody article about Scream 4 – it looks like she’s got something new to bring to the party…*

Cherise (will be writing about porn this week – keep your eyes on the prize, pruriency fans!):
My citrus-infused approval has to go to The Resident, and it has nothing to do with the film itself, but the fact that it is one in a string of resurrectional Hammer productions. The Resident will probably be shyte, but as a self-professing horror fanatic, the production company behind it deserves my homage. And at which suckfest do I wish to lob a tank-full of unripened lemons and then proceed to blend the combined contents of cast and acid into bloody oblivion? Hall Pass. Because I’m a humanitarian, and nobody deserves to suffer through that.

Orange Choice: The Resident
Ultimate Lemon: Hall Pass


*Blimey. Well, at least you know what not to see…*

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