Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #110

*It’s been a quiet week at Best For Film Towers, with Kayleigh unexpectedly off fighting the forces of lipgloss and Sarah pretending to be ill so she doesn’t have to watch Scary Movie 5. At least we have you, Megan – what’s cooking?*

Megan (not sure what century she’s in):
Is there anything better than a bit of eye-candy? Damn right there is! Try two bits of eye-candy! And this week The Place Beyond the Pines has you well covered. Not only do you get Ryan Gosling sexing it up with his bad boy ways and tattoo but you also get Bradley Cooper clean cut and rocking that hot police uniform. Doesn’t hurt that the flick has a low-down gritty look to it and promises an interesting exploration of family ties, police corruption and destructive ambition; makes my Orange seem almost like high-art rather than just superficial ogling. As for my Lemon, I’ve got 2 words and a number for you: Scary Movie 5. I had high hopes for the first. It could have been great, a novel opportunity to poke fun at a genre that relies on being taken seriously. Too bad the Wayans brothers’ sense of humour ground to halt at the age of 12 – they may not be involved this time round, but their dirty fingerprints are indelibly smeared across the franchise. If a compilation of try-hard gags and elaborate toilet humour gets your giggle then by all means, leave your self-respect aside and go enjoy. I’d personally pick hellhounds over this any day.

Orange Choice: The Place Beyond the Pines
Ultimate Lemon: Scary Movie 5


*So far, so good. Harry? Sorry Minority Report isn’t out again, we know you always keep your fingers crossed.*

Harry (just bloody loves Minority Report):
Right John, how does this work again? Which is the good one and which is the bad one? It’s been a while guys, I’m a little rusty. So that, plus the fact that I pretty much like oranges and lemons equally, has thrown me into a state of flux with regard to this citrus-based reviewing system. Is it even called Orange Wednesdays anymore? I thought Orange was now EE? Maybe the system should be Es or bad gack wednesday? In fact, I’m taking a stand. My delicious mountain of crushed up ecstasy that I’ll be hooking to my veins this week is The Place Beyond The Pines, on account of Gosling, and the fact that it genuinely looks rather spectacular. As for my hastily-cut, dangerously-procured and injected-with-a-dirty-needle cocaine is Scary Movie 5, because by rights Charlie Sheen shouldn’t have ever existed in the first place, let alone be alive now.

Orange Choice: The Place Beyond the Pines
Ultimate Lemon: Scary Movie 5


*How lovely, a consensus! Sarah, can you keep it going?*

Sarah (still wearing a woolly hat, for some reason):
The Place Beyond The Pines and its emotional tale of fathers and sons gets my orange this week. The good-looking cast aside, it looks like it’ll be a tense watch with some expert motorcycle stunts thrown in for if you get bogged down by soppy mush. That said, if you don’t want to watch a film that features both Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper smouldering while gazing into the middle distance, then you’re either dead inside or a teaspoon. WHICH IS IT? Olympus Has Fallen is going to be pants. Let’s admit that to ourselves right now. Gerard Butler is hardly amazing anyway, so sticking him in a pants film is just cruel. Aaron Eckhart will steamroller over everyone in sight with his talent. In fact they should just rename it Eckhart: The Movie. Now THAT I’d watch.

Orange Choice: The Place Beyond the Pines
Ultimate Lemon: Olympus Has Fallen


*Perhaps not, but at least everyone agrees on this Pines business. DVB, are you getting on the Olympus hate train too?*

DVB (dances like a little maniac):
I only found out what ‘cognitive dissonance’ means fairly recently, and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to use it ever since, so thank you Olympus Has Fallen; you’re two hours of probably-racist flag-wavey explosion porn, you star Hollywood’s creepiest, least watchable id cipher, and I still want to watch the holy hell out of you. RIDDLE ME THAT. Meanwhile, I bet I can make your jaw drop with just two words on celluloid virus Scary Movie 5, so here goes: Yakkety Sax.

No, seriously, it’s in there.

Orange Choice: Olympus Has Fallen
Ultimate Lemon: Scary Movie 5


*Ah. Bring us back onto an even keel, Kayleigh…*

Kayleigh (rewatching The Devil Wears Prada and burning things):
This is Kayleigh Dray, reporting from an entirely new level of reality. It’s nice. It’s pink, y’know? Okay. In a bid to add some much-needed grit and grime to my life, I’m sticking my orange to The Place Beyond The Pines. It’s got motorbikes, it’s got tattoos, it’s got Ryan Gosling holding a baby and a large wooded area. That’s all I’ve gleaned from the trailers, but I have a feeling there’s much more to learn – so Imma give it a chance. My lemon, on the other hand, is being hurled into the face of Scary Movie 5. Maybe if I kill this one dead with a blast of citric acid it’ll stop any more of these horrifically bad parodies being churned out. Maybe.

Orange Choice: The Place Beyond the Pines
Ultimate Lemon: Scary Movie 5


*That’s more like it. Vincent, you’re generally difficult – what do you think?*

Vincent (feeding ducks, probably):
I’m not going to make waves for this week’s OWLs, it’s the obvious choices for me. But what choices they are. Oblivion gets my post-apocalyptic Orange this week. It’s going to be a great year for sci-fi, and Oblivion kick starts the fun with a fantastic tale that keeps ramping up the WTFness. It’s not going to be considered a classic by any means, but it’s beautiful and interesting and features 10 million naked Tom Cruises, so it’s worth the price of a cinema ticket. You know what gets the Lemon: Scary Movie 5. Apart from looking just so, so unfunny, it also has Charlie Sheen in it, which sounds less like a name and more like the sweaty, pallid complexion one gets when one has ingested a condom’s worth of cocaine. I can’t believe I’d ever miss the calm and steady hand of a Wayans brother.

Orange Choice: Oblivion
Ultimate Lemon: Scary Movie 5


*Pretty reasonable. Hannah… you look sort of hunched and evil. Everything ok?*

Hannah (living under a discarded cagoule):
All of this lingering snow and bloody awful weather seems to have killed off a lot of the oranges out there. In their place are lemons masquerading as oranges, and that’s just plain wrong. Like the packs of cards in Alice and Wonderland painting the roses red or something. The biggest fake orange out there is Oblivion. Tom Cruise, space stations, blah blah blah. Speaking of blah, Ryan Gosling is in The Place Beyond the Pines. How people have been taken in by his dead eyed acting I’ll never know. The sun is now shining, it’s a few degrees above zero, go and have a beer and wait for some oranges to grow.

Orange Choice: Absolutely bugger all
Ultimate Lemon: Oblivion / The Place Beyond the Pines


*Golly. John, do you just want to crawl into a hole and hide?*

John (getting overexcited about Linen Weather):
This week I’m eschewing the high-cost, low-brow offerings flowing out of Hollywood like a tide of turds and turning my face to the Middle East – oranges need good weather, after all. Oscar-nominated documentary The Gatekeepers gets my stamp of approval for lifting the lid on Israeli secret service the Shin Bet – six former heads of the shadowy organisation were interviewed for the film, and by all accounts (including ours) it’s a singularly enlightening watch. My lemon goes to The Place Beyond the Pines, because the day I give a toss about Bradley Cooper will be six weeks after I’m deep in my cold grave.

Orange Choice: The Gatekeepers
Ultimate Lemon: The Place Beyond the Pines


*Well, that about does it for this week. Will you be checking out The Place Beyond, or just waiting for Evil Dead? Let us know below!*

About The Author