Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #111
It has been a long and arduous battle but, finally, it seems as if the brave and kindhearted soldiers of Best For Film have been forced into submission. As an army of shadowy beings advances upon the infamous towers, it soon becomes apparent that time is running out – but, as a wind whips through the abandoned corridors of our once proud castle, there’s still a glimmer of hope. A chance of a new beginning. A chance to rise like a phoenix from the ashes and begin again, brighter and more beautiful than ever before. But that’s all dependent on a successful escape. Will John be able to lead his people to safety (via the secret tunnels) and begin afresh, in the realms of an entirely new kingdom? You bet your bottom dollar he will…
Sarah (will miss her weekly brackets more than she cares to admit):
Oranges and lemons. Lemons and oranges. Quite frankly until Iron Man 3 comes out neither of them matter. It’s all about Iron Man 3. Iron Man 3 forever. Robert Downey Jr is a stone cold fox and I can’t wait to see his Tony Stark back in action. I’ve been hearing good things about the film and this has only served to make me more excited…wait – what’s that you say, editor John Underwood? I HAVE to pick or you’ll end my internship two days early? Fair enough. In that case Olympus Has Fallen gets my orange because Aaron Eckhart wins. Last week I was quick to diss it, but then I actually saw the film and you know what? It’s not that bad. It harks back to an age when action films were proper good. For a mindless popcorn movie you could do a lot worse.
A lot worse – like Scary Movie 5. Categorically not the evil brainchild of a Wayans brother, but it might as well be for all the poor “entertainment” it has to offer. When the funniest part of a film is watching Ashley Tisdale have sex with a microwave and a houseplant, you’ve got a flop on your hands and a big fat lemon from me.
Orange Choice: Olympus Has Fallen
Ultimate Lemon: Scary Movie 5
Fine words Sarah – now go forth, swiftly, and be sure to keep yourself out of sight until we give the signal. It isn’t safe here anymore. Kayleigh, you look like you have something you want to get off your chest…?
Kayleigh (nursing her broken heart with carrot sticks and coriander):
All I want to do is see Iron Man 3. That’s literally all I can think about when someone asks me for my cinema plans this week – but, apparently, Tony Stark isn’t bursting onto a screen near me until tomorrow. The bastard. Which leaves me clutching a lonely orange and desperately trying to work out who to give it to – until it quickly becomes apparent that Pierce Brosnan is BACK on our screens in the critically acclaimed (or, at least, Florence Vincent-ly acclaimed) film Love Is All You Need. Promising to deliver sharp humour, tinges of tragedy and likeable performances, this one is definitely on my must-see list. You know what isn’t on my must-see list? Evil Dead. Firstly because the trailer made my stomach cry (who licks a carving knife with that much gusto? REALLY?!) and, secondly, because we already have a perfectly good Evil Dead film. It’s the exact same story. And, despite the likes of Cabin In The Woods updating the rules for horror films everywhere, this one fails to adhere to them at all – leaving it feeling stupid, predictable and overwhelmingly dated. Crawl back into the shallow grave from whence you came Evil Dead – and, while you’re at it, take my last ever lemon along with you too.
Orange Choice: Love Is All You Need
Ultimate Lemon: Evil Dead
Kayleigh? Kayleigh? Don’t cry. There is no TIME for tears – enemy forces will show no sympathy, regardless of your emotional outbursts. Get out of here. Run. DON’T LOOK BACK! Megan, you’re up; make these words your best yet.
Megan (keeps begging eveyone to PROMISE they’ll keep in touch):
Rob Zombie is back, bitch! The founding member of White Zombie turned grindhouse connoisseur is back with his own brand of death and violence this time entitled The Lords of Salem. No one does madness and murder quite like Zombie so if you’re feeling in a particularly hateful mood why not vent out your inner fantasies in the safety of his creations. If House of a 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects are anything to go by, you’ll be in for quite a cathartic experience. Don’t blame me for the nightmares afterwards though.
In Lemon news; IMDB sums up Ek Thi Daayan with one line: “a popular illusionist (being) haunted by a Daayan witch”. Honestly I’d probably watch this but only if I could fast forward through the hour and ten minutes of lip-synced dancing. Problem is cinemas get a bit huffy about you messing with their equipment so this is not an option and therefore will be awarded my Lemon of the Week.
Orange Choice: The Lords of Salem
Ultimate Lemon: Ek Thi Daayan
Oh Megan, don’t – you’ll have us in tears next. There’ll be a new Best For Film, one more beautiful than this, and we’ll all be together again. Someday. But, for now, take this fake moustache and passport and get out of here – we’ll meet you at the border!
John, it’s all on you now. Give your people a stirring speech and fill them with hope once again:
John (“A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day…”):
Come now, what sort of rabid maniac would go to the cinema today when they could go tomorrow and see Iron Man 3? Sod the Orange Wednesdays discount, Orange doesn’t even exist any more and we’re not sure if the 2-4-1 does either (mind you, that poses some existentially problematic questions re: this feature). Tonight I will be watching Iron Man on Film4, in preparation for watching Iron Man 2 at lunch tomorrow and then watching the holy hell out of Iron Man 3 all night long. In other news, probably don’t see F*ck for Forest – not even the thought of saving the rainforest makes me want to see gonzo German hippy porn.
Orange Choice: Iron Man
Ultimate Lemon: F*ck For Forest