Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #51

*Christmas was a tricky time at BFF towers. The barely concealed hatred, the sudden violence, the unnecessary racism – and that’s just the first half of Die Hard the team got through before the smoke alarms went off. But, John’s burnt Parsnip Surprises aside, surely we can all just agree on what to watch tonight? Surely?*

Tash (got a flask this year):

To be honest, this week I’m feeling fairly lenient – something to do with the five kilograms of cheese I’ve ingested and the fact that we’re basically finally clear of Chipmunk-gate, I think. With that in mind, I implore you to see both Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol and Fincher’s Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – one’s laughy, explodey good fun and one’s a lot of classy rape. I’ll leave you to figure out which is which. In terms of what I’m not that fussed about, it has to be true-story-turned-weepy-documentary Dreams Of A Life – one good news story about some skin on a couch does not a fascinating film make.

Orange Choice: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Ultimate Lemon: Dreams Of A Life



I like Tom Cruise. He seems like a cool guy – all that batshit insane Scientology stuff aside, obviously. And he’s great in the new Mission: Impossible film. He runs around this really tall building and stuff! It’s scary. Nice to see these rich people getting out of their solid diamond mansions and earning their keep, you know? Also the film is fun in general. Lots of silly jokes and people in masks and Russians. So that’s why I’m giving it my Orange. My Lemon, unfortunately, has to go to Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows. I was super excited to watch it last week, as I was hoping Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr would kiss, but they don’t! Not even a bit. It’s really boring for the most part, and a bit sloppily directed at times. And proper Sherlock starts next week on the Beeb, so it’s probably best to just hold out for The Cumberbatch.

Orange Choice: Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Ultimate Lemon: Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows


Kayleigh (joining Tash in team Weep At War Horse):

My lemon this week goes to Tom “The Definition of Diminutive” Cruise and Mission Impossible. Do we need another MI? No. Do we need another chance to see Tom Cruise masquerading as an awesome super spy agent-type? No. Why? Because, in all likelihood, his TINY HEIGHT would make this career path IMPOSSIBLE! I can deal with suspending reality for entertainment, but what’s fun about a man in hidden platform shoes? Nada. Zilch. On the other hand, I’m so excited about The Artist I’ve literally turned orange myself. A luxurious black and white silent movie about the lost art of the silent movie? I love everything about it. Which is why I present my newly-orange self to the makers of this little gem, to do what they want with me. Perhaps I can be some sort of Oompa Loompa sex slave, if it sits well with them…

Orange Choice: The Artist
Ultimate Lemon: Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol


*Tash chips in from her chair of obesity “IT’S NOT OUT TIL THE 30TH YOU MANIAC”. No one listens*

Cal (giving this a whirl):

Don’t get me wrong, I like films and stuff. They’re nice, they’ve got people in, they stop you remembering how awful life is. But you know what I don’t love about films? They’re so noisy! All of those explosions and rampant, boisterous nudity take their toll on my sensitive ears – but ho, what’s this? A silent film? Count me in. The Artist probably won’t be TOTALLY silent, sadly, and there will probably be some kind of musical accompaniment, but this doesn’t put me off at all. It’s exciting that someone’s doing something a bit different in this world of Bay and Cameron. What don’t I want to see? The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is a remake of a perfectly good film from a few years ago. Just watch the original, silly!

*Tash, weeping angry, rummy tears: “IT’S NOT OUT TILL FRIDAY ARGHHH”*

Orange Choice: The Artist
Ultimate Lemon: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo


Papa Neish (back to the grind):

In the battle for your eyes (and credit card) at the cinema this week, there is no clear winner. Although probably the better movie, you should really have seen The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by now and therefore ought to have little need to see David Fincher’s inferior American remake (even if it is still set in Sweden, with characters spouting English dialogue in dubious Swedish accents). Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, however, from what was a largely forgettable series until J. J. Abrams took the franchise by the premise and shook some Philip Seymour Hoffman into it, is at least an original story, and one that does try to have fun with its admittedly many failings. Sorry Tatts, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Orange Choice: Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Ultimate Lemon: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo


The Artist then? The Artist? Yeah, it’s not out, but The Artist? Now? The Artist? Bloody Christmas…

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