Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #64

*The BFF team have recently repositioned themselves slightly closer to a window, and the results are startling. Tash is soaking up the carbon dioxide like an absolute photosynthiLAD, Kay Dray has sprouted a beautiful set of stamen and as for the office owl Bane – he’s never looked more like he doesn’t want to kill himself. Surely, today is a great day for two for one cinema lovers… *

Tash (attracting bees):

I’m going to give you all the benefit of the doubt and assume you’ve already seen both The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists and The Hunger Games, because I’ve personally recommended them at least twice now and if you don’t take everything I say as gospel then I’m probably going to kill you with a rake. Instead, I’m going to recommend Babycall – a taut and brilliantly shot psychological thriller starting Noomi Rapace that is unfortunately let down by a totally mad ending. But it’s worth it anyway, honestly it is. Not worth anything is Mirror Mirror, unless you’re trying to fob the kids off with noises, lights and jokes like “Snow White? Snow way!” in which case, you’re a terrible parent, and let’s go for a drink sometime.

Orange Choice: Babycall
Ultimate Lemon: Mirror Mirror

Kayleigh (gradually turning to face the light):

April has stolen our early summer away and given nothing in return; there’s a reason it’s called the cruellest month. Too cold to go out, but too miserable to stand in the cinema and cry over this week’s releases. Which is why, in a nostalgic moment for good old March, I’m heading out to see the The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists. EVERYBODY wants to partake in my juicy orange because Aardman are brilliant; not only do you get Hugh Grant and David Tennant, but you also find yourself gifted with swashbuckling adventures, fantastic animation AND shiploads of hilariously scripted capering. Wrath Of The Titans, on the other hand, can go walk the plank. Rehashing a myth to create a sequel to a remake seems like an absolutely pointless waste of everybody’s time… no wonder Liam neeson looks so embarrassed.

Orange Choice: Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists
Ultimate Lemon: Wrath Of The Titans

DVB (unfurling nervous tendrils) :

This week is doing you a favour: by introducing almost no good films into the game, it’s giving you a chance to go back and watch another one of the great films that came out last week, of which there are about eighty. But try not to miss Lena Dunham’s Tiny Furniture, which my adorably awkward female friends (read: all of my female friends) all inform me is a really good example of that sort of thing. You know what we’ve all stopped complaining about, thank Christ? Post-Scary Movie spoofs. Remember when Epic Movie came out, and we all thought this was going to happen forever? That weekend when Vampires Suck took more scrilla than Scott Pilgrim? That bit in Meet the Spartans where he sat in a car and danced to Barbie Girl like a three year old, as a joke to be consumed by people? I.. I think it might be over. Because there’s a film out now, on general release, called Breaking Wind. And I bet none of you had the first f*cking clue. It’s just stagnating, in one or two screens, like the shrimp-taco induced bowel movement that Bella loudly expels in the trailer’s centerpiece – CENTERPIECE – gag. A fitting swansong, non?

Orange Choice: Tiny Furniture
Ultimate Lemon: Breaking Wind

John (cactus through and through):

If oranges and not limes had been historically carried onboard ships to combat scurvy then I’d have a really easy way to recommend Pirates!, which is clearly the best film to come out since Arthur Christmas. But then Brits would be colloquially known as ‘orangeys’, and that would be stupid. I don’t care if it’s for kids, I don’t care if they cut the leper joke, I’m still going to laugh like Geoffrey Rush after a busy afternoon of being a Naughty Pirate. In other news, Mirror Mirror is shite shite, obviously.

Orange Choice: Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists
Ultimate Lemon: Mirror Mirror

About The Author