Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #65

*It’s all change at Best For Film Towers this week! John’s back, Kayleigh has receded into the outer darkness – although her messenger moles are still getting through – and BATTLESHIP HAS HAPPENED. In between frantically checking the bath for aliens and wondering how Rihanna got so good at shooting, we’ve settled down for a quick pow-wow (or whatever they call it in the Navy)…*

Florence (survives on eggs and coke, like a hipster oviraptor):
This week I’m going to go see Mirror Mirror. “But WHY? WHY ON EARTH? WHY?” I hear you cry. Well, I don’t know. Why not? I liked it. I like Armie Hammer. So what if his name sounds like his parents were asked on the spot and they were both kinda high and just put two random words together for funsies. He’s a cool guy. He’s funny! And the guys who play the dwarves? Man, those guys are hilarious. Great chemistry. There’s also a joke in there about a grasshopper and a cockroach? I can’t really remember it but I laughed. And really I’d rather watch Mirror Mirror five more times than be made to sit through one showing of This Must Be The Place. More like, This Film Must Be Awful What’s With Sean Penn’s Baby Voice.

Orange Choice: Mirror Mirror
Ultimate Lemon: This Must Be The Place


Tash (has never been mistaken for Mary Jane Watson):
Having just watched Battleship, it’s difficult to say whether I can ever actually watch another film again. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. And every time I open my eyes, I weep violently. Cinema can shut down, I think, there’s literally nothing left to say. In fact, the only thing that could possibly be worse than navigating the blasty depths of Battleship’s oceans is watching that bloody Doomed Ship sink into them again. Titanic was dull enough the first time around, it was back when Leo mistook ‘hair in face’ for acting and it’s OVER THREE HOURS LONG. No. Not again. No matter how many dimensions you plan to sink with it. Headhunters, on the other hand, looks properly, mentally wonderful – a crime thriller with guns, stolen art, a really short Swedish bloke and loads of murdering; what’s not to look forward to? And it promises the most hilariously dark dog death in years. Surely one for you, Underwood?

Orange Choice: Headhunters
Ultimate Lemon: Titanic 3D


John (breathing into a paper bag with Liam Neeson’s face on it):
This week there is only one possible choice for your Lemon – Battleship, arguably the most trite, predictable and poorly constructed action film since Transformers 2. The acting is uniformly ghastly, the script is littered with nonsense, the CGI is fucking awful despite costing TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS and Taylor Kitsch’s face is made out of a single gigantic porridge oat. Unfortunately for those who have been swayed by my rhetoric thus far, this week’s inescapable Orange is Battleship. If it turns out to be a satire then it’s genuinely the best film of all time. “Looks like someone’s going to bite the donkey…” FUCK YES I WANT TO BITE THE DONKEY OLD SAILOR MAN. My god, it’s amazing.

Orange Choice: Battleship
Ultimate Lemon: Battleship


Kayleigh (currently wanted for intellectual property theft):
Okay. So this week is easy-peasy, simple-pimple; we’re all going to throw lemons at Battleship until it makes like Titanic and sinks. I want to see bubbles where Rihanna’s “acting” face was. I want a calm ocean where once there was a boardgame gone horribly wrong. Hell, I’d almost prefer to sit through Titanic 3D than put my face anywhere near this disaster of a movie. AND I HATE TITANIC, IN ANY DIMENSION! Ahem. On the other hand, let’s present Headhunters with a ginormous juicy orange. Everybody who’s anybody wants to take a bite outta this stylish game of cat-and-mouse. And you say there’s not a singer-turned-wannabe-actor in sight? I’m in. I’m so incredibly in that I may even use my 2 for 1 and go TWICE!

Orange Choice: Headhunters
Ultimate Lemon: Battleship


P.Neish (small change collector):

This week, the fairest of them all is none other than Tarsem Singh’s Mirror Mirror. By now no doubt fed up of poisoned apples, it’s about time Snow White sunk her pearly whites into something a little more, well, orangey. Frothy, ridiculous and utterly, butterly charming, it is a film that shows what the director can do for cinema when he stops humouring Jennifer Lopez and oiling up future supermen. My biggest problem this week has been deciding which Liam Neeson film to condemn; while Wrath of the Titans boasted Rosamund Pike, some Cyclopses and a surprisingly entertaining mid-section, however, all Battleship has to offer is John Carter of Some Boat and Rihanna butchering the word “boom”.

Orange Choice: Mirror Mirror
Ultimate Lemon: Battleship


*Did you get all that? See you next week, unless Kate Winslet/Taylor Kitsch/a Norwegian drowns you first…*

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