Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #66

*Life continues apace at Best For Film Towers – the only real excitements are unexpected reinforcements from darling Florence and a totally expected level of sinus-based whingeing from Tash. If only there was some sort of readily available citrus fruit which provided a degree of defence against sniffly illnesses! OH WAIT…*

John (falls over a lot):
Because I’m nothing if not dated, my Orange this week is the 1958 classic A Night To Remember. The Golden Globe-winning docudrama which everyone called ‘the definitive Titanic film’ before Titanic came along and ruined everything has returned to theatres to commemorate the centenary of Titanic’s sinking, and it’s got a hell of a lot more substance than James Cameron’s slushy and sentimental tale. In fact, fuck it – my Lemon is Titanic 3D, because I really don’t like Billy Zane and Florence will never convince me otherwise. Plus lemons are good when you’re onboard ship, unless it sinks – they make crap lifeboats and you’re probably not going to be fussed about avoiding scurvy. Don’t go and see Titanic, is my point.

Orange Choice: A Night To Remember
Ultimate Lemon: Titanic


DVB (smooth as a baby’s bottom):
My big thing this week is surprises, the biggest of those being when, despite the relentless marketing push, I only realised yesterday that Avengers Assemble is coming out in, like, a week. Keeping up this theme, I’m going to catch The Cabin in the Woods, with giant surprises including a lot of things I’m not allowed to tell you about, and the fact that they attempt to pass off Chris Hemsworth as a teenager. Hey, you know what’s good NEVER? Films about people who were around famous historical figures but weren’t interesting enough to actually be famous themselves. I know more or less nothing about the astonishingly boringly-titled Mozart’s Sister, but I could actually be drowning in shit and I’d still refuse to give any of it.

Orange Choice: The Cabin in the Woods
Ultimate Lemon: Mozart’s Sister


Tash (so very salty):
Sure, this week it would be pretty easy to twist again with The Cabin in the Woods, get all scurvy with The Pirates! in an Adventure with Scientists or even gorge yourself silly on The Hunger Games, but you know what? None of them have horses in. Not like Blackthorn – a revisionist Western with a decidedly Spanish flavour. Telling the untold tale of Butch Cassidy – and suggesting that he wasn’t actually killed in a cotton pickin’ shoot-out all them years ago – it’s a dusty, beardy, beautiful and Bolivia-based romp suitable for anyone who loves a good bit of leather and Sam Shepard. So, everyone. In other news, Baffleship still exists. Cling onto sanity, do not go.

Orange Choice: Blackthorn
Ultimate Lemon: Battleship


Kayleigh (Wallette):
Orange you glad that The Cabin in The Woods is out? YEAH YOU ARE! There’s nothing I love more than Joss Whedon being awesome and this flick looks like a prime example of him doing just that. Five kids go to a cabin (in the woods, naturally) and mysterious things start to happen. Think you know the story? WRONGO! This suspense-fuelled flick is a must-see, so grab your 2 for 1 ticket and some outsized snacks and get thee to a cinema, stat. While you’re queuing, make sure you throw a few bitter lemons at James Cameron’s money-whoring disaster flick, Titanic. In 3D. In fact, if you’re fortunate enough to run into the obscenely wealthy director, maybe hold him down and squeeze some of that citric acid right into his cold staring eyes. The world will thank you for it later…

Orange Choice: The Cabin in The Woods
Ultimate Lemon: Titanic


*Florence is visibly drooling at the prospect of talking about Cabin in the Woods, but we’ve probably had enough of that sort of chatter. Change your choice, Florence!*

Florence Vincent (boasts the soft glossy pelt of an otter):
So apparently this week I’m not “allowed” to Orange the film I really want to Orange (The Cabin in the Woods) because apparently we all live in some sort of medieval dictatorship. So instead, I’m going to recommend that this week you use your 241 going to see Battleship for no other reason than that I’M NOT ALLOWED TO ORANGE A REAL FILM. On the other hand, Battleship looks fun and it has Liam Neeson AND Rihanna in it and I’m curious to see whether she lets him stand under her umbrella. You know, because of all the water going everywhere. My Lemon this week goes to Titanic, I guess? Because I’ve already seen it and if I wanted to watch a film about a boat sinking OH WAIT I HAVE TO GO SEE BATTLESHIP.

Orange Choice: Battleship
Ultimate Lemon: Titanic


*Actually, fuck it – Papa Neish can get his Whedon on as well, since he’s been writing about Cabin in the Woods for literally years.*

Papa Neish (finally, FINALLY satiated):
Ever since Joss Whedon created all life on Earth, he has continued to spoil us rotten with his own brand of televisual, cinematic, adverby goodness. Needless to say, the man is no one-orange tree, and his latest gift to all creation (providing you’re aged 15 or over) – the Drew Goddard-directed The Cabin In The Woods – is in cinemas now, only three excruciatingly long years after it started filming. Apparently uncontent with delivering perhaps the definitive horror movie, Whedon has also subverted, deconstructed and redefined the genre in general. GO GO GO IMMEDIATELY. Whereas Cabin has smarts, surprises and a script to die for, Universal’s Hasbro-inspired Battleship has a boat, some loud noises and Rihanna: a woman so dead behind the eyes that she might just be another special effect. I’ll let you decide.

Orange Choice: The Cabin In The Wood
Ultimate Lemon: Battleship


*Well, that was repetitive. Off you go and watch Joss do his stuff – see you next week!*

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