*Fresh blood! The ramparts of Best For Film Towers throng with eager new recruits, and Tash has returned to her inner sanctum to rest until the time of the next Reckoning. But now, the mettle of our greenhorns must be tested. As ever, the enemy looms…*

Kathryn (never Katie):
With the Olympics and the Jubilee and Princess Whoever getting a 2.1 from Newcastle, British “patriotism” is fast becoming a bit embarrassing (particularly on Independence Day), because it’s like trying to make Sainsbury’s Basics orange juice taste like Tropicana – enter Bobcat Goldthwait’s newest offering, God Bless America, in which there is nothing to not like. An average Joe who finds himself at death’s door goes on a right-wing, gunpowder-fuelled rampage across the US, dispatching everyone from reality stars to bitches who talk in cinemas. HE IS LIVING THE DREAM. THE AMERICAN DREAM. Unlike Robert Pattinson in Cosmopolis. I JUST DON’T CARE ANY MORE, CEDRIC, YOU ARE DEAD.

Orange Choice: God Bless America
Ultimate Lemon: Cosmopolis

 

Papa Neish (making his own web-slingers out of UHU):
After umpteen months at the relentless hands of Sony’s marketing department (I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING, JUST STOP RUINING YOUR MOVIE FOR ME), I had just about made peace with the fact that I would be so bored by The Amazing Spider-Man before it’s release that the film itself would never live up to the oppressive hype. Bigger fool me, as Marc Webb’s utterly pointless reboot duly makes the best of a bad situation and delivers a sleek, exciting and utterly charming slice of wall-crawling action that more than holds its own against Sam Raimi’s original trilogy. Seriously, close the world’s acting schools: we have Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone now, and as a species I doubt we can do any better. But what am I going to do with all of this now-redundant lemon juice? Why, drown the intolerable cast of Ice Age 4, of course.

Orange Choice: The Amazing Spider-Man
Ultimate Lemon: Ice Age: Continental Drift

 

*Ice Age 4 isn’t actually out in England yet, but Papa Neish has been exiled to Scotland for liking Miley Cyrus. Time for another new writer!*

Tessa (working towards ‘generic beige’):
I haven’t actually seen it but I’m sure Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter will be a right hoot. Apparently its a dry political story interspersed with laughably violent fight scenes, but you know what you’re getting and at least you’ll learn something. Megan Fox is in Friends with Kids but don’t think that’ll justify the experience, it won’t. It’s an awful film and Kristen Wiig cries a lot. I thought it was pretty unwatchable when she ate that giant cookie and fell in the chocolate fountain, but this was so, so much worse and upsetting. I saw it two days ago and I’ve been sad ever since.

Orange Choice: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Ultimate Lemon: Friends with Kids

 

DVB (critical wanking injury):
Whether it’s Mariah Carey in Precious or Channing Tatum in Everything Now, I love it when a perennially written-off star pulls a truly mind-blowing performance out of the bag. Though Robert Pattinson’s turn in Cosmopolis is still the frontrunner this year, I’m exceptionally excited to see Matthew McConnaughey as Killer Joe – and as the other huge fan of Friedkin’s other Tracy Letts adaptation, Bug, I’m going all in on this one. On the Lemon-y side of the tracks, there’s… fuck, there’s practically nothing. I’m only avoiding Spider-Man in case the collective slampower of Stone and Garfield actually makes my dick bleed. And so once again I resort to pedantry, slapping a ‘llow on Friends With Kids because I HATE that they’ve just recycled the Bridesmaids poster. I know when I’m being sold the same film twice.

Orange Choice: Killer Joe
Ultimate Lemon: Friends With Kids

 

Florrie (primping her loins for Goss):
Hello Wednesday you lovely thing with your 241s and your endless, endless dough balls and the fact that you’re Hump Day (what does this mean?). Today I’m going to celebrate the fact that you’re you by using my 241 to take a wee pal to Lovely Molly, the latest horror from the man who brought us The Blair Witch Project. Hooray! It’s actually not an amazing film but compared to a lot of other horrors out at the moment (see: Chernobyl Diaries, The Pact), it’s pretty well-acted and scary. On the other hand, the thought of watching Lay the Favourite (why is Rebecca Hall doing a baby voice why why why) makes me want to stuff free dough balls down my own throat until I choke and die and they carve “She didn’t have to watch Lay the Favourite” onto my gravestone.

Orange Choice: Lovely Molly
Ultimate Lemon: Lay the Favourite

 

John (actually went out in public in elastic-banded espadrilles):
I’m largely agreeing with the Papa this week – unnecessary though it is, The Amazing Spider-Man is a more-than-respectable reboot with two electric central performances lifting it from ‘good’ to ‘jolly good’. Plus the Spidey-vision is kept to about forty-five seconds in the whole film, which is a bloody relief. Go, weep for Rhys Ifans, wonder why random bits have been stolen from Sam Raimi’s originals and revel in the fact that you’re not watching Joyful Noise. The last time I was that traumatised by a massive crowd of people shouting about Jesus I’d just had a piss in a font. What? Nobody told me there was a baptism in progress!

Orange Choice: The Amazing Spider-Man
Ultimate Lemon: Joyful Noise

 

*GO WEB! We’ll see you next week, by which time you will be required to be able to hear the words ‘Andrew Garfield’s arse’ without fainting.*