Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #97

New interns new interns new interns hurrah! Let’s let one of them kick things off. Hey Flossie, what are you seeing this week?

Flossie (scourge of Paint.Net):
The re-release of Chinatown, Roman Polanski’s classic 1974 thriller is getting me all excited this week, and has to be my orange. Frequently voted one of the greatest films of all time, Chinatown was nominated for no less than 11 Academy awards, although in the end it only won one, for Best Screenplay. Plus, Faye Dunaway looks smokin’ hot in a fedora. Let’s not judge Polanski for his rapey past, he’s a cinematic genius and film noir doesn’t get any better than this. My lemon has got to be Texas Chainsaw 3D, because I watched the first one as a child and never quite recovered. Honestly, I don’t know why any horror film has to be made in 3D, aren’t they scary enough without being forced into your face? And why on earth are there eight of them? Enough said.

Orange Choice: Chinatown
Ultimate Lemon: Texas Chainsaw 3D


*Blimey. Kayleigh, can you wind back the Texas Chainsaw hate?*

Kayleigh (responding to treatment):
First things first, happy new year and congratulations on making it through the 2012 apocalypse. That was a close one. When all that fire and brimstone started hailing down on us, I truly thought we were up the infamous creek without a paddle – but we managed to survive. Which brings me to my first orange of 2013 – hello The Impossible! Despite that ever-so-misleading title, this dramatic true story follows the desperate struggle of one family during the terrifying events of the Boxing Day Tsunami, reducing audiences everywhere to tears, gasps and small pools of vomit in the process. Plus Ewan McGregor is pretty much in swimwear for the entire film – win. My lemon goes to Texas Chainsaw 3D. I didn’t like it the first time and I’m definitely not going to like it now unspeakable things can pop out the screen at me. Save your cinema-spending pennies up for a chainsaw of your very own instead and use it to destroy as many pairs of 3D glasses as you can. Sorted.

Orange Choice: The Impossible
Ultimate Lemon: Texas Chainsaw 3D


*Nope, apparently you can’t. Carlotta, how do you feel about chainsaws?*

Carlotta (lemonade maverick):
There is currently a poor selection for anything worthy of 241 so I’m going to give my Orange to Texas Chainsaw 3D because I know it will be a car crash, but I can’t resist. I also have absolutely no idea how they can make this film ANY DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST SEVEN, so I want to see what idiot made this awful decision to reboot or whatever. Before all the judgement, let me remind you that it’s currently doing better in the box office than Django Unchained. What does that tell you? It tells you not to go and see The Impossible along with the rest of the world, that’s what. It’s going to be so so sad. Why do it to yourself? I honestly won’t be able to sit through that film without hysterically exploding into tears and a lot of snot. Therefore my Lemon goes to The Impossible, because I don’t like being sad.

Orange Choice: Texas Chainsaw 3D
Ultimate Lemon: The Impossible


*Blimey, that was unexpected.*

John (can’t cope with butternut squash):
Thirty-nine years after we first saw Leatherface drooling his way around a field with a giant electric carving knife, I can’t even rouse the energy to lemon Texas Chainsaw 3D – god only knows why the others are so excited about it. Instead, my lemon is going to The Impossible – Naomi Watts will never be any good again, and I just can’t see how a film about one white family surviving amidst the deaths of quarter of a million people can not be exploitative. My orange is going to Bruno Demont’s Hors Satan, which looks utterly intoxicating and also manages to get more tits into its trailer than YouTube generally allows. Any film about the Devil roaming France which has characters called The Guy and The Girl sounds good to me.

Orange Choice: Hors Satan
Ultimate Lemon: The Impossible


*So: tsunami, terror or tits? Make your choice and we’ll see you next week!*

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