Star Wars Episode VII: The Director Wars

YES!: Guillermo del Toro
What he said: “If this becomes ever a reality, and there’s an approach to do it, I would then think about it, but — it’s like thinking if I want to date a supermodel.”
What he meant: “Carrie Fisher was pretty hot in Star Wars, but time destroys all beauty.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Not enough DC Universe. Throw Swamp Thing in there somewhere.”

NO!: Steven Spielberg
What he said: “No! No! It’s not my genre. It’s my best friend George’s genre.”
What he meant: “Me, touch George’s steaming pile? Not likely, mate. Jog on.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Not enough aliens. Throw some more aliens in there somewhere”.

YES!: Jon Favreau
What he said: “I am just giddy, first and foremost as a fan, to see what happens with it.”
What me meant: “I’m holding out for a Jar Jar death sequence. My money’s on a lightsaber to the groin.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Luke looks exposed. Throw some Iron Man in there somewhere.”

NO!: Quentin Tarantino
What he said: “I could so care less. No, sorry. Especially if Disney’s going to do it. I’m not interested in the Simon West version of Star Wars.”
What he meant: “I fucking hate Simon West.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Not enough homosexual rape. Throw some buttsex in there somewhere.”

YES!: Colin Trevorrow
What he said: “There are a bunch of incredible directors who are up for this job.”
What he meant: “I’m probably not up for this job.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Am I even a director? Who the hell am I?”

NO!: J J Abrams
What he said: “I am looking forward more than anyone to the next iterations of Star Wars, but I believe I will be going as a paying moviegoer!”
What he meant: “The Trekkies would skin me alive if I turned to the darkside.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Lens flare.”

YES!: Justin Lin
What he said: “I think if you ever get the privilege of being asked, you should definitely take that meeting.”
What he meant: “I hear they serve free coffee at those Star Wars meetings. Ka-ching!”
His vision for Star Wars: “Not enough Nitrous. Throw some turbo boost in there somewhere”.

NO!: Sam Mendes
What he said: Are you on the list? “No.” Do you want to be? “No.”
What me meant: “No.”
His vision for Star Wars: “No.”

YES!: Matthew Vaughn
What he said: “…”
What he meant: “What’s a Star Wars? Can I eat it?”
His vision for Star Wars: “Matthew Vaughn hungry. Feed Matthew Vaughn. Now.”

NO!: Zack Snyder
What he said: “I don’t think I’d be interested in directing it. I’m a huge Star Wars fanatic. I just think doing seven, eight and nine is just a slippery slope.”
What he meant: “I did Sucker Punch. You don’t want me touching your Star Wars.”
His vision for Star Wars: “Not enough slowdown. Throw some naked sweaty slowdown in there somewhere.”

So there you have it. There are a bunch of other names floating around the Internets, but most of them seem like a ludicrous choice for a Star Wars film. Still, a name out of left field might be precisely what the Star Wars franchise needs. Christopher Nolan, Joss Whedon, and Wes Anderson have all been speculated about, but who honestly thinks that will become reality? Brad Bird would definitely be an amazing choice, but alas, he’s washing his hair or something.

The fear is that Disney will appoint a young and inexperienced director whom the executives can bully into shoving in more things they can make into official Star Wars cuddly toys and LEGO sets. At least we definitely know that there’s a decent writer on board in the form of Michael Arndt!

For more Star Wars than you could shake a Gaffi stick at (AUO! AUO! That’s a Sand Person, by the way) check out our discussion on whether the new episodes are a good idea at all. We also have Drinking Games for both the original trilogy and the Star Wars prequels, and (if you’re not sick of Star Wars by then) we postulated what a Disney Star Wars would look like.

Who do you think would make a perfect director for Star Wars VII? Who do you think would explode the film like the Death Star 2?

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