Top 10 actors we wish had stayed hot
In real life, when you walk past an old friend from high school and they have been ravaged by the hard knocks you get a warm, even comforting feeling that your life is so much better than theirs in every way. It’s like a little ego boost. It tells you that in the Game of Life, you’re winning.
However, when you flip a page in a magazine to see that the man or woman you spent years obsessively fantasizing about, (mayhaps even planning that first meeting where you would pretend you had never heard of them, and then they would be so awed and charmed by a person that wasn’t blinded by their fame, they would have swept you off your feet), and that person who plagued your pre-adolescent dreams is pictured in a magazine and the hard knocks of life were more like giant hammers of ugly and despair, you don’t feel like you’re winning. You feel as if time is a mistress that no one – not even Jonathan Taylor Thomas – can escape. And it makes you think. It makes you take stock. Because time is going to get you just like it got him, and suddenly, suddenly you realise that every day we’re all a little closer to death. That we started to die from the moment we were born into this world, and now we are steadily declining, moving ceaselessly forward into the arms of the Reaper. Only before he welcomes you into his cold arms, he will take your youth, then your mind, and then finally your dignity.
So yeah, check out these really scary people for many LOLz.
#10 Val Kilmer
Remember Val Kilmer? Remember him in Top Secret! and Tombstone? Remember him as Jim Morrison in the Doors, shaking his sexy ass in those leather pants? Remember him as Madmartigan, in his sexy lady clothes, with Red Hot Chili Peppers hair waving a sword around like he knew exactly what to do with it? He was magnificent. Then he started to live his life like he was vying for the role of Samwise Gamgee.
#9 Mischa Barton
Is it just us, or does Mischa Barton have the weirdest accent? Is that a normal way to speak? It sounds weirdly Euro to us. Is she putting it on? Did she do the accent to give her a little something extra on the OC because she was ultimately just cast to play the ‘hot one’? Ignore the others guys, they have different coloured hair, they aren’t the blonde one, Mischa is. And never mind that the ‘ugly nerd’ looks like he fell out of an Abercrombie catalogue. HE LIKED COMICS AND THUS WE SHOULD SHUN HIM. We never actually watched the show. But how sadtimes is Mischa Barton? It’s like her body forgot she was only 26.
#8 Kathleen Turner
She was the voice of Jessica Rabbit because Kathleen Turner’s voice was the voice of SEX. It was husky, it was feminine, you wanted that voice to make sweet love to you, and praise your virility. And attached to that voice was the woman above. Look at her! She’s on a chaise longue! That sexy voice was attached to an even sexier woman. Golden hair, beautiful body, and a talent for comedy, Kathleen Turner was a force unto herself. And then she was Chandler’s Dad.
#7 Eric Shweig
Who? “Eric who?” We hear you say, “Never heard of him.” But you would have seen him. Remember Last of the Mohicans? Remember the final scene when some hot piece of ass was running up the side of a fucking mountain to save his lady love? That was Eric Shweig. With hair the colour of a raven’s wing, skin of burnished copper and a voice like golden syrup, Eric Shweig — or as we shall forever know him: Uncas — was the hottest, lastest Mohican ever. We mean FOR TRUE. Eric Shweig was the hottest man in a movie with DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, is that even possible? Apparently, yes – but now, imagine if that Mohican discovered Krispy Kremes.
#6 Christian Slater
Christian Slater was our personal fave. It was like he looked at Jack Nicholson, and thought, “yeah, I’ll take the sex appeal and add some good-looking.” In the 80s, Christian Slater was the guy that girls with 6 week wash-out hair dye, a few piercings and a hatred of the mainstream made their poster boy. This was because he was clearly mad, bad and dangerous to know. He wasn’t going to let society dictate just how sexy a man can be in a black trench coat. And still, to this day, is the only man in the ENTIRE world that was able to put a dangly cross earring in his ear and not look like a giant, festering douchebag.
And then his face melted off.
#5 Lara Flynn Boyle
We’ve always grown up believing that Lara Flynn Boyle has always looked like the hilarious circus act that we see on the cover of Star or Hello or Pedigree Chum or whatever the bored housewives read. Turns out, Lara Flynn Boyle used to look normal. Like really normal. You know that crazy-times ex-girlfriend Wayne had in Wayne’s World? THAT WAS LARA FLYNN BOYLE!
#4 Mickey Rourke
AHHH! Mickey Rourke, he had that raspy voice that only the very good-looking can pull off without sounding creepy. In 9½ Weeks (YES, WE WATCHED THAT FILM) Rourke convinced us that there is nothing in the world we would like more than having honey poured all over our body, even though that’s really impractical and sticky. Can you imagine the clean up afterwards? So imagine our despair when he decided to go back to boxing professionally (being an amateur boxer when he was younger), we were worried about his face, his beautiful, beautiful face, but maybe we were being silly; after all, he could be good at boxing! Muhammad Ali’s face was always in good shape, right? But we quickly learned that’s because Ali was the greatest boxer that ever lived and didn’t suck like a black hole. Well, okay, we’re being mean – Mickster wasn’t that bad, he just liked to use his face to buffer the punches. We’re not an expert on the sport, but we believe the object is to avoid getting hit. But what do we know? We’re just regular faced people.
#3 Meg Ryan
Once upon a time, Meg Ryan was pretty funny. No scratch that. Once upon a time, Meg Ryan was really funny. Not only that, she championed the cute girl look. She was like “you don’t have to wear those really high eighties underwear to get attention peeps, you can wear pastels and just have really curly hair, and stud muffins like BILLY CRYSTAL will want you”. Everyone liked Meg Ryan, and but she decided that having a human face was way too PC.
#2 Lindsay Lohan
Li-Lo almost didn’t make this list. It was a hard decision – a former child star, she seemed to fit more snugly in our seminal blog 5 Actors We’ll Never Forgive for Growing Up. But after debating long and hard with Florence Vincent, we concluded that since she was both normal-looking and fully grown in Mean Girls, she qualifies for this list. No clemency for you Li-Lo! Drugs, Samantha Ronson and every man she ever met (ever) turned Li-Lo from a pretty sexy star into a Vegas stripper. She did have serious Daddy issues though, so you know… understandable.
#1 – John Travolta
Middle age spread? More like middle age explosion. You feel me? Us. We mean: You feel us? Not in a weird way, in a strictly platonic way. But seriously, why is he so wide? We feel like that can’t be normal. Do people get a middle age spread in the face and then grow weird hairline and start drawing on their eyebrows and have fake relationships with women and join cults and wank off masseurs? Do they? DO THEY????
Do you feel like we missed out a few Hollywood freaks? We don’t want to care, but we really, really do. Please list all freaks below.