Top 10 Missed Opportunities For Killing Adam Sandler
Jack And Jill hits cinemas this week, which easily reinstates Adam Sandler as THE most irritating person in the entire world. We really thought he’d changed. We thought we could hang on to his Wedding Singer days and remember how good he used to be. Sadly for us, he’s now secured double screentime as a brother and sister duo. In a seriously unfunny film.
It’s not on, is it?
You know what we’ve got to thinking about? All of Adam’s old films. And the fact that he doesn’t die in a single one of them. If he’s going to be annoying, he may as well let us watch him be killed in hilariously unlikely scenarios. We’d enjoy that. As it is, we’ve had to do all the hard work for him. Welcome to the top 10 missed opportunities for killing Adam Sandler…
#10 – Death By… Realistic Circumstances
You know how, in Funny People, Adam Sandler is diagnosed with a terminal and incurable cancer? That’s very sad news, isn’t it? Yes. Cancer is depressing. But the film is funny and manages to juggle real human emotion with wonderfully brittle humour. In fact, we’re tempted to suggest it’s one of our favourite and least-hated Sandler flicks ever. But you know what really annoys us about it? Sandler finds himself miraculously cured. Unrealistic. If there were ever an opportunity for an Adam Sandler character to die in a film, this was it.
#9 – Death By… Not Being Rescued
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry
This film is about two straight firefighters pretending to be a gay couple. The reason this situation comes about is because Larry (Kevin James) is a widower unable to pass his life insurance over to his children; he needs a partner. He selects Adam Sandler. This is all well and good, but it happens AFTER he rescues Sandler from falling debris. Had he just left Sandler to die, Larry’d have probably found that his life was better off. The rest of the world, for example, would gift him all the riches he required to lavish upon his children… we’d be that grateful.
#8 – Death By… Jack Nicholson
The sheer psychotic nature of Jack Nicholson should have brought Sandler to death or, at the very least, pushed him to commit suicide. He’s forced into a tryst with a transvestite prostitute, electrocuted, beaten, bullied, harangued and forced to sing in public. We bet he was just THIS close to reaching for the nearest razor blade and allowing himself to drift into the sweet realms of a Nicholson-less afterlife…
#7 – Death By… Hypothermia
Adam Sandler rescues Winona Ryder from a hole in the ice of a frozen lake. We forgive Winona anything (hey, look how well we handled those shoplifting charges!) but we’re still a little testy about the fact she didn’t pull Sandler down into the icy depths. And leave him there.
Think of it; we could’ve brought out novelty Sandler ice-cubes to celebr… I mean, to mourn his passing.
#6 – Death By… Falling Down A Hill
Jack And Jill
We all know how this one is supposed to go, don’t we? If you’re not savvy with your nursery rhymes, here’s a wee refresher for you:
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Then by all accounts, Adam Sandler should die TWICE in this film! Once as Jack, with his messy broken skull, and once as the unfortunate Jill, who most likely broke her neck and was, at the very least, paralysed.
#5 – Death By… Bleeding To Death After Being Gouged By A Walrus
50 First Dates
Walruses, or Walri, are not the friendly little critters as depicted in 50 First Dates. They are wild animals, with tusks. TUSKS! Okay, so the instance of one violently attacking a human has yet to be documented, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Or that it won’t happen.
ADAM SANDLER SHOULD HAVE BEEN GORED BY THE WALRUS!
#4 – Death By… Wayward Golf Ball
Hilarious film about golf? A likely tale. Golf is a lovely spectator sport, if the spectators fancy a little nap in the sunshine. A little bit like cricket, I suppose. However, despite all of the sleepy greens and obnoxious jumpers, the game is a deadly one. Think about it; metal clubs and hard spheres struck at great speed? Accident waiting to happen. Try googling how many people are killed by golf balls every year. There’s at least several and that’s a lot more than none, isn’t it? Yes. Adam could, quite easily, have been wiped out by a rogue golf ball. But he wasn’t. And this makes us sad.
#3 – Death By… Mass Monk Attack
There is a moment, in Anger Management, where it seems as if Adam’s luck has run its course. Okay, so there are many moments (thank goodness for Jack Nicholson!) but our favourite method of potential death is a mass beating by Tibetan monks. It reminds us geeks a little of Tomb Raider 2, when, should Lara Croft ever accidentally look at a Barkhang monk in the wrong way, hundreds of the robed men would appear from everywhere and KILL HER STONE COLD DEAD. And that was Lara Croft. She had skills, determination, intelligence and weaponry. Adam Sandler has none of these things.
#2 – Death By… Drew Barrymore
50 First Dates
In 50 First Dates, Adam Sandler attempts to woo Drew Barrymore, a girl with short-term memory disorder. She forgets him every single day. Every. Single. Day. And he attempts to make her fall in love with him all over again. S’nice enough. Nicer still would have been if Drew had accidentally killed him during a moment of terror-stricken forgetfulness. Strange man in bed = club him over the head. Simple.
#1 – Death By… Christopher Walken
OMG! Did you see that?! He died. He actually died. Bravo Christopher Walken. We salute you for doing what a lesser man could not; you took Sandler out. And you did it with style too; you tricked him into fast-forwarding his life, caused him to become, embittered, miserable AND alone, and then he died. AND you taunted him in the afterlife. Bravo!
Whaddaya mean, it’s all a dream? Seriously? It’s literally just a dream? Adam’s fine, he’s not dead, he’s happy and loved by all?
DAMN YOU WALKEN!