Top 10 REAL Disney villains on trial
#10 – Hercules (destruction of property)
Oh sure, Hercules is a hero NOW – but should we ignore his previous crimes because of his celebrity connections? Of course not. He’s caused severe damage to public property time and time again, either through malicious intent or reckless behaviour – and no, blaming the destruction of an entire market town on a game of frisbee isn’t good enough. People lost their homes, their businesses – in fact, one local shop owner was reportedly driven to suicide following the demolition of his entire livelihood. Hercules? More like Jerkules.
SENTENCE: Three months of community service, immediate loss of mythical beast privileges and a fine of 500 drachma.
#9 – Mulan (obtaining pecuniary advantage by deception)
Mulan may have ridden to victory and received a blessing from the Emperor of China, but the fact remains that she was being paid a soldier’s wage under false pretences. And do you know which soldier she was elbowing outta the way for that juicy wage packet? Her own bloody father, that’s who. Fa Zhou may have found it in his heart to forgive his out of control daughter, but we haven’t.
SENTENCE: Mulan will need to make a full repayment of all monies claimed and promptly return the Emperor’s crest. Her co-conspirator Mushu will immediately be stripped of his Guardian privileges – it doesn’t pay to rob the country blind now, does it?
#8 – Aladdin (identity fraud)
Homeless teenager Aladdin, in a desperate bid to improve his status, attempted to pass himself off as “Prince Ali! Fabulous he! Ali Ababwa!”, parading through the streets of Agrabah on an elephant and making idiots of us in the process. He was offered the chance to reveal his true identity WITHOUT punishment when Princess Jasmine exposed him as a commoner, but the bastard seduced her with his delicious lies and continued the charade. Making him not just a street rat, but a love rat and a criminal too.
SENTENCE: We think Jafar had the right idea about this one – back to exile in the freezing wastelands you go, your highness. If you’re lucky, we might lend you a jumper to go over that fetching silk waistcoat.
#7 – Snow White (Breaking and entering)
Since when did breaking into somebody’s home become an acceptable practise? Snow White demonstrated very un-princess-like behaviour when she jimmied the locks and illegally entered the property of the seven dwarves. We doubt there’s been a scandal as big as this since Prince Harry stripped down to his crown jewels in Vegas.
SENTENCE: None whatsoever. Unsurprisingly, all seven of the dwarves are reluctant to press charges against a Queen of the realm…
#6 – Pinocchio (Gambling, GBH, substance abuse)
This little wooden bastard ran absolutely amok on Pleasure Island. He smoked, he gambled, he violently assaulted several human children, he engaged in some underage drinking and he was rude to Jiminy Cricket. That’s one marionette-step too far, in our books.
SENTENCE: Can a puppet be trialled in a court of law? Probably not. But the Blue Fairy has given us permission to hack him up for firewood and burn the evidence, so that’s something.
#5 – Beast / Prince Adam (False imprisonment)
As Belle receives the treatment she so desperately needs in a nearby psychiatric facility (Stockholm Syndrome’s always pretty nasty), we think it’s time that this Beast-turned-Prince is held accountable for not one but TWO instances of false imprisonment. First of all, he locked an elderly trespasser up in his basement without food or water. Not cool. And then, as if that weren’t enough, he shut the old guy’s daughter up in a tower when she came to beg for her father’s release. VERY not cool. Even worse? He refused to set her free unless she partook in a romantic dinner with him – and we all know what “romantic dinner” is code for, don’t we?
SENTENCE: Prince Adam has pleaded temporary insanity, saying he was “not himself” (no kidding) at the time of the crime. He is currently under observation by forensic mental health professionals.
#4 – Ariel (Treason)
While some might dismiss Ariel’s disobedience of her father as mere teenage angst, there’s no point denying that, when your dad’s a king, breaking the rules is treason. King Triton specifically ruled that all contact between humans and mermaids was illegal – so Ariel swam off at a leisurely pace to the first human galley ship she could find and made goo-goo eyes at a tall, dark and handsome (but, most significantly, two-legged) man. Then she TRANSFORMED into a human, through signing a contract with a sworn enemy of the King himself. No wonder he banished her from the seven seas to a life of underage marriage.
SENTENCE: We think King Triton’s hit the nail on the head with this one – Ariel has married into human royalty at the tender age of sixteen. Why slap her with a death penalty when her life is going to be so bloody awful, eh?
#3 – Mowgli (Arson / Ecological crimes)
Most people remember Mowgli for those fetching red underpants, but do you know what WE remember him for? Setting a tiger on fire. A tiger. On actual fire. Oh sure, Shere Khan could perhaps be described as a threatening presence – but Mowgli is a very non-endangered human and Shere Khan is a fucking endangered tiger. PETA aren’t happy, we’re not happy and, let’s face it, tigers everywhere aren’t happy. Justice must be served.
SENTENCE: PETA suggested that we knock up a few name-and-shame-Mowgli posters, but we felt that wasn’t really good enough in this case. So we’ve decided to skin him alive and use him as a rather fetching rug at the hunting lodge, just to see how the tiger-burning arsehole likes it.
#2 – Peter Pan (Kidnap and murder)
First things first, Peter Pan had been watching those three children for a while – proven by the fact his shadow was located inside the property BEFORE the kidnap took place. Secondly, there’s the fact that he spirited Wendy, John and Michael away in the middle of the night after slipping them a mind-altering substance, known by the street name ‘pixie dust’. And, perhaps worst of all, Peter went on to murder a respected and disabled seaman named Captain Hook, tossing him overboard and into the open jaws of a crocodile. No wonder Wendy and her two brothers were so desperate to escape Neverland and return home to their mother.
SENTENCE: A life spent behind bars will certainly put a crimp in Peter Pan’s style. Especially as he never ages – time to wave bye-bye to your fairy pals and say a big fat hello to an eternity in prison.
#1 – Simba (Regicide)
We didn’t want to believe that Simba killed his father as a cub – but then we saw him throw Scar, his uncle AND recognised King of Pride Rock, off afore-mentioned Pride Rock and into certain death-by-hyenas. Nasty stuff. And, if you think about it, very similar in method to King Mufasa’s death all those years ago. It’s obvious that this bloodthirsty wannabe king murdered his dad, forced a false confession from his uncle and then, in order to ensure his crimes would never be found out, murdered him too. Need further proof? Shortly before his father died, Simba was overheard admitting that he was “going to be a mighty king, so enemies beware” and revealed that he “just couldn’t wait” for his father to die and himself to take the throne. Where did it all go so very wrong, eh?
SENTENCE: Erm, death? Obviously death. We’re thinking a pretty regal beheading, so we can mount Simba’s murderous face on our wall and look upon it in judgemental shame forever more.