Top 10 reasons why Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling

The Place Beyond The Pines hits cinemas on April 12 2013, promising to deliver a seriously robust emotional drama with two of the most talented actors out there. Ryan Gosling stars as Luke, a mysterious stunt rider who quits the carnival life to commit a series of bank robberies in a bid to support his lover and son. But, when he finds himself on a collision course with Bradley Cooper’s Avery Cross, an ambitious and corrupt police officer desperate to move up through the ranks, honest motives are soon forgotten.

But you don’t really care about the movie, do you? All you really care about is the fact that Bradley Cooper (People’s Sexiest Man Alive of 2011) and Ryan Gosling (accidental feminist icon and generally acknowledged heartthrob) are sharing a screen together. ADMIT IT, YOU SHALLOW MAN-LOVING MONSTERS!

So which is better, Ryan or Bradley? There’s only one way to find out; step up to the brink, Cooper and Gosling. The floor is yours…


#10 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he’s an official Sexiest Man Alive winner

Bradley Cooper vs Ryan Gosling
Let’s get this outta the way early, shall we Ryan? Bradley Cooper actually won the bloody award. He was, for an entire year, the Sexiest Man Alive on the face of the planet. He walked the most sexily, he ate lunch the most sexily, he opened doors the most sexily and, let’s face it, he ACTED the most sexily. For an entire year. So what if Channing Tatum has since stolen the crown from old Brad? So what if the award sexually objectifies men to the point where they’re simply walking penises / peni? The point is, he’s won it Ryan. And you haven’t. Everyone knows you can’t be an actor in Hollywood without a magazine naming you the sexiest man alive – so we guess that means you’re not an actor. Sad times.


#9 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he’s 100% human

Bradley Cooper vs Ryan Gosling
Bradley Cooper is a fully-fledged human. Ryan Gosling is a human-fledgling hybrid. See the difference? No wonder only one of these guys has been nominated for an Oscar…


#8 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he’s Jennifer Lawrence’s “acting soulmate”

Bradley Cooper, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence (J-Law to fans) bagged herself the Best Actress gong at the 85th Academy Awards. And the Oscar-winner has bestowed upon Bradley Cooper (note: NOT Ryan Gosling) the honour of being her acting soulmate. Some might even say that Jennifer Lawrence is the best thing about Bradley Cooper – which is why we’re pleased to report that the chemistry-laden duo have two more films lined up together following the mammoth success of Silver Linings Playbook. Cue plenty of nominations from the Academy.

Do you know who Ryan Gosling once dubbed his soulmate? His The Notebook co-star in crime (and ex-girlfriend), Rachel McAdams. Ex-girlfriend. Ex. You really don’t help yourself, do you Ryan? CAN’T EVEN KEEP A BLOODY ACTING SOULMATE! How dare you carry on making good films on your own without a bloody longtime female acting companions to help prop you up at the box office? Seriously uncool behaviour.


#7 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he made his acting debut in Sex And The City

Bradley Cooper versus Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling made his acting debut in the Mickey Mouse Club, along other such little-known entities as Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Idiot. He should have made like Bradley Cooper and saved his smallscreen debut for Sex And The City, performing alongside acting giants such as Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon and the other one. The one that gets addicted to her Rampant Rabbit? Yeah. SMART MOVE, BRADLEY COOPER!


#6 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he doesn’t waste time saving lives

Bradley Cooper versus Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling is sort of a bit half-hearted about this whole acting thing, because he’s far too busy being a smalltime superhero in his spare time. If he isn’t saving women from being run over, he’s breaking up street fights with his Jedi mindtricks and bulging biceps.

Does Bradley Cooper do anything like this in his spare time? Of course he bloody doesn’t – Bradley Cooper is a SERIOUS ACTOR and SERIOUS ACTORS do not have time to be heroic in everyday life. They’re too busy reading scripts and typing out witty text messages to Jennifer Lawrence. All we’re saying is that MAYBE Ryan Gosling might want to learn from Brad’s fine example and stop going about being a good person, okay? Then he might get that Sexiest Man Alive award someday.


#5 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he’s been nominated one of the top movie dicks of all time

Bradley Cooper versus Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling, regardless what film role he plays, tends to come across as an all-around good guy character. Even in Crazy Stupid Love, where he’s essentially playing a womanising bastard, he manages to come out smelling like roses. Bradley Cooper, on the other hand, isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty in a quest for dickhead roles. With his easy charm and anodyne name, Bradley Cooper has made a career of playing characters that blur the line between “flawed protagonist” and “dangerously charming antihero” – just check out his roles in The Wedding Crashers and The Hangover if you don’t believe me. No wonder he’s been nominated by GQ as one of the top “movie dicks” of all time.

Ryan Gosling can only dream of being such an amazingly adept dickhead, bless him. Good will always out, after all…


#4 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he knows the appeal of a big-ensemble cast

Bradley Cooper versus Ryan Gosling
Bradley Cooper knows what the public want and what we want, frankly, is films with a simple-to-follow plot and as many celebrities as you can cram into it. Cue his appearance in He’s Just Not That Into You, in which he shared the screen with Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, Justin Long and Drew Barrymore. Strong work. Then he went on to appear in Valentine’s Day, which saw him take on an even BIGGER all-star cast and an even SIMPLER plot. Think Taylor Lautner, Patrick Dempsiey, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, Eric Dane, Héctor Elizondo, Kathy Bates, Anne Hathaway, Emma Roberts, Taylor Swift, Queen Latifah, Jamie Foxx, Bryce Robinson and EVEN MORE NAMES THAN THAT!

Ryan Gosling? Ryan Gosling doesn’t like to jump aboard the good ship Ensemble. He deems himself too good for fluffy projects with countless famous faces and, instead, opts for strong stories with a small, yet talented, cast. Asshole.


#3 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he was in the Backstreet Boys*

Bradley Cooper versus Ryan Gosling
The Backstreet Boys have sold over 130 million records worldwide, making them the best-selling boy band of all time – not to mention one of the world’s best-selling music artists. But, when they asked Ryan Gosling to join them back in the day, he waved them off with a rousing “hell, no!”

Thank goodness they had Bradley Cooper’s number. Thank goodness he was there to pick up the slack. Thank goodness that he was able to fill in for lesser man (and actor) Ryan Gosling – after all, what actor can’t successfully juggle a music career with serious acting?

*Note: May not have actually happened…


#2 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he’s in The Hangover, The Hangover 2 AND The Hangover 3

Bradley Cooper vs Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling may be an awesome actor, but he’s failed to grasp the concept of making money from it. Bradley Cooper raked in the cash after filming bromance flick The Hangover, so he made a sequel. And there’s even a Hangover 3 on the way, promising plenty more drunken hilarity and morning-after confusion to Bradley Cooper’s fans everywhere. Huzzah!

How many installments did Ryan Gosling give us of The Notebook? Or Drive? Or Blue Valentine? Just one, the tight-fisted bastard. We deserve better than original stand-alone movie after original stand-alone movie Gosling – how’s about taking your next acting cue from Bradley Cooper and rehashing the plot from one of your previous box office successes, eh?


#1 – Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling because… he’s single

Bradley Cooper vs Ryan Gosling
You know what doesn’t work if you’re trying to be a total sex symbol, Ryan Gosling? Having a girlfriend. Especially when it’s someone as attractive as Eva Mendes – we lesser-bodacious females can’t compete with THOSE curves. Bradley Cooper, on the other hand, knows how to play the field like a pro. Whether he’s kinda-sorta-dating Zoe Saldana, breaking up with Renee Zellweger or dancing with Alice Eve, he likes to cast his dating net as far and wide as possible, ensuring that his adoring female fans are well aware that he doesn’t go for a specific type (other than, y’know, beautiful and successful celebrity females). Keep it single, Ryan Gosling. We can’t possibly enjoy any of your movies if there isn’t a whiff of romantic scandal or your availability for dates in the air. WE NEED TO KNOW WE HAVE A CHANCE TO GET IN YOUR PANTS WITHOUT BEING BRANDED AS AN INFIDEL(ITY INSPIRER), DAMN IT!


Do you think Bradley Cooper is better than Ryan Gosling? Or are you an idiot? Let us know in the comments box below.

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