Top 10 sequels we never want to see

#10 – Fargo: Marge Gunderson’s Return

Marge Gunderson is probably the biggest badass in movie history, so this time the stakes are higher. Pregnant once again, this time with triplets, Marge is on holiday in Washington when a dead body is found in the Oval Office. It’s up to her to prove the president innocent of murder, while he tries to hide the fact that he cheats in his weekly Scrabble tournament.


#9 – Con Air: Underwater Mutiny

Cameron Poe finds himself reunited with Garland Greene, this time on board a submarine in Russian waters. One of the CIA onboard reveals himself to be a double agent working for the KGB and takes over the ship. Surrounded by sharks, killer wales, and icy waters, the unlikely duo must rescue the vessel and pilot it safely to Sarah Palin’s house.


#8 – The Graduate: Grandfather’s Regrets

Benjamin Braddock bonds with his teenage grandson, while slowly realising that he never really loved Elaine and their entire marriage has been a sham. As his guilt mounts, the forty-five year old single mother next door begins to seduce him.


#7 – The Big Lebowski: Election Year

Through a series of bizarre mishaps, the Dude finds himself in the running for mayor. Initially bent on finding a way out of it, he finds that he may actually be the only viable option. With the other candidates being an oil tycoon, bent on running the city’s finances into his own coffers, a society big wig who may have murdered her husband, and a hapless fast food worker who’s being threatened with murder if he wins, the Dude must face his biggest fear: responsibility.


#6 – Edward Scissorhands: The Streets

Several decades after the events of Edward Scissorhands, our hero once again descends from his castle, only to find that the town he loved has become overrun by warring gangs. While he has remained ever youthful, his beloved Kim has grown old and died, and her granddaughter is a vicious heroin dealer. Mistaken by her for a new rival gang leader, Edward must use his whimsy and purity of heart to save the beautiful girl from the life she’s built for herself; a life of violence, venereal disease, and drug addiction.


#5 – The Princess Bride: Buttercup’s Baby

Some producer takes the fake first chapter that’s in the end of the novel (can we all take a moment to genuflect in William Goldman’s general direction?) seriously. He uses it as a starting of point for a sequel in which we see Westley and Buttercup bicker too much and neglect their daughter, Inigo bollocks up being the Dread Pirate Roberts, and John Goodman do his darndest to be as charming as Andre the Giant.


#4 – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Spotless Once More

They basically do the same thing all over again. Kirsten Dunst is inexplicably replaced by Evan Rachel Wood.


#3 – The Usual Suspects: Keyser’s Söz

In this sequel, Keyser Söze plans the heist of a dodgy jewellery dealer. The story is told in flashbacks while Söze is interrogated by Taylor Lautner as a highly unlikely FBI agent, and the writers spectacularly fail to realise that the audience knowing who Keyser Söze is, is a fundamentally flawed idea, and a giant waste of time.


#2 – ET: Finding Home

Elliot, now a failed accountant with a nagging wife, is beamed up in the middle of the night. He finds himself transported to ET’s home planet, where the little alien is on his death bed and needs Elliot’s help to find his missing daughter. When Elliot heads off on his mission he finds that the alien race is by and large suspicious of him, and a troupe of specially trained extraterrestrial experts are watching his every move. While ET waits for him, the US government lands in his backyard and proceeds to conduct scientific experiments.


#1 – Back to the Future Part IV

Marty and Doc travel forwards in time to the year 2085, when, thanks to Biff’s great-great-grandson, the world has suffered a nuclear holocaust. The pair must struggle through the post-apocalyptic wasteland to find out exactly what happened, so they can go back in time to prevent it, but they’re crossed at every turn by Marty’s great-granddaughter, who is carrying Biff’s great-great-great-grandchild.


Is this enough punishment, or can you think of a sequel that’d be even worse? Let us know in the comments!

About The Author