Top 10 Things To Do This December
#10 – Take twelve hostages
On the twelth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… twelve hostages openly weeping and trapped inside a building. How romantic! Made stylish by Alan Rickman in his role as Hans Gruber, this isn’t an event to take on lightly; it requires careful planning, a close-knit team, combat training and advanced weaponry but, once you’ve got it nailed, you’ll reap the immediate benefits (namely, plenty of cash and RESPECT).
Please refrain from inviting Bruce Willis. He’s a bit of a Grinch about this sort of thing…
#9 – Train a squirrel to dance
The Great Rupert
Sure it’ll take time and effort and plenty of squirrel tears but, by the end of it, you’ve got the woodland equivalent to Happy Feet 2. Nothing bad about that!
#8 – Throw an obnoxious child down a rubbish chute
If Christmas teaches us just one thing, it’s that children are selfish little monsters who care only for themselves. Have you seen the John Lewis advert, where the kid can’t wait for Christmas Day SOLELY because he wants to present his parents with a gift? It’s a fantasy. The carefully-wrapped box was probably stuffed with his list for next year’s gifts. And bogeys. Children love bogeys. Therefore, do everyone a favour and toss the most annoying child you can find down a rubbish chute. It’s a surefire way to nail that warm and festive feeling…
#7 – Dress as the Milky Bar Kid
A Christmas Story
The subtle product placement in A Christmas Story is absolutely shocking, isn’t it? What reason does the main character have to dress up as the Milky Bar Kid? None whatsoever. However, it makes a nice change from all the angels and shepherds and what not, so we fully endorse it as a step in the right direction… fashion-wise.
#6 – Run across town in pyjamas and heels
Sex And The City: The Movie
If there’s one thing we know about fictional fashionista Carrie Bradshaw, it’s that she’s an absolute style icon. Just flick through the nearest copy of Cosmo or Glamour if you don’t believe us. So, while we lesser mortals may not necessarily understand how PJs, heeled white boots, a fur coat and sequin beanie could ever possibly work as an OUTDOOR ensemble, it simply must be Vogue-worthy. It must be… mustn’t it?
#5 – Celebrate an alternative holiday
The Nightmare Before Christmas
You could be conventional and celebrate Christmas, sure, but why not ask yourself the all-important question: WWJD? So, what WOULD Jack do?! Why, he’d kidnap Father Christmas, wreak havoc and dispatch shrunken heads to all the sweetly sleeping kiddies. And he’d do it all in a sharp pinstripe suit. Follow his lead, dear BFF followers, and think how horrible your Christmas will be!
#4 – Go ice skating… at the Penguins’ Christmas Skating Party!
The Muppet Christmas Carol
Amazing, huh? If it’s good enough for Kermit than BY FROG it’s good enough for us!
#3 – Have a foursome in Wisconsin
Christmas is the season of altruistic love, of giving and of goodwill. Nothing really quite sums this up as well as a group gangbang. All you’ll need to secure yourself a VERY merry Christmas is…
1) Tickets to Wisconsin
2) Three obscenely hot women / men
3) An English accent
Sexy Americans ALWAYS partake in orgies if you have an English accent, you know. It’s a fact. It’s literally a fact.
#2 – Shoot a German in the leg
We COULD talk about the ceasefire and the heartwarming game of football that brought three armies together… but, instead, we’re going to pinpoint the moment when a vengeful Scot shoots a German in the leg. Not very Christmassy, is it? Wrong! This single bullet, in fact, shakes up the whole film and teaches us the TRUE MEANING of the holiday. Ready for the TRUE MEANING to be explained? It’s coming up. Ready or not, here it COMES…
Don’t shoot people. It’s mean.
#1 – Birth the spawn of God
The Nativity Story
I was lying before; the true meaning of Christmas is NOT that we shouldn’t shoot people (although we really shouldn’t). In fact, Christmas is all about Jesus’ birthday. This little Capricorn shouldn’t get all the attention some 2000 years on though, should he? Get one over on Jesus and birth your very OWN son of God. All you need is a good cover story and some immaculate holy sperm.
Can we say sperm in reference to Jesus? Can we SAY sperm?!
Let’s just compromise and call them God’s Little Swimmers… either way, fill up your turkey baster and get that bun in the oven, stat!