Top 10 things we want to see in Sharknado 2
#10 – More sharks
Wait, what? MORE sharks? You got it in one, Brody. The first Sharknado was fine, y’know. For a good-bad movie, anyway. But they just didn’t throw enough damn sharks in that damn windy blender.
More shark, less ‘nado.
#9 – More gratuitous nudity
If there’s one thing we know about shark-based horrors, it’s this: everyone is supposed to be in a bikini or bulging out of their speedo. Otherwise what’s the point? Now, we realise that Sharknado was focusing on the effects of sharks on Los Angeles city dwellers, but c’mon now. There’s a beach in LA, isn’t there?
#8 – Less dialogue
The clunky wooden dialogue of Sharknado was pretty dire, wasn’t it? We’re thinking “now I hate sharks too” was the cream of the crop. It definitely gave us something to chuckle over on Twitter – but you know what was even more hilarious? Those reaction shots.
Here’s a little idea of what the director was shouting at his onscreen puppets: “Shocked face, long hold on shocked face, hold forever on that shocked face, damn it!”
We reckon they should scrap the script completely this time and tell the entire story through sighs, rolled eyes, screams and meaningful looks.
#7 – More puppets
We were using a metaphor before, when we said the director was shouting at his onscreen puppets. It was a clever writing technique to point out that his actors were wooden, yet only doing the bidding of their master.
But it got us thinking… what about some real puppets? Maybe Sharknado could hit Sesame Street and Elmo, Big Bird and co could have a go at fighting off the creatures of the piscine, eh? Maybe there could be a little misunderstood SHARK puppet (sharpet?) that helps mend the rift between underwater monster and human being / muppet? Maybe the Count could get all up in shark’s grill, yeah?
It’s inspired. Someone get Henson on the phone.
#6 – More illogical outcomes
Sharknado didn’t make sense. We know that. We know that, if a tornado picked up all the sharks of the sea, it’d probably grab all the crabs and octopi and fish and things. We know that sharks can’t breathe out of the water, let alone wriggle their way along the streets and wreak mayhem. And, sure, we know they can’t climb ladders.
But we ALSO know that we loved seeing it all. All the madness, all the confusion, all the utter ridiculousness of it all. And we’re hungry as a landlubbing hammerhead for more. How’s about a shark that can TALK, eh? What about one that can fly? What about one that comes with a machine gun strapped to its head?
C’mon guys, get inventive.
#5 – More stock storm scenes
We love it when the camera pans from the mildly terrified faces of Sharknado‘s stars to an impossibly stormy sky. It’s kind of at odds with the pleasantly well lit setting our actors are standing in, isn’t it? Mysterious.
At one point, we’re almost certain the tornado scene from The Wizard of Oz made it into Sharknado‘s big bad moment. And we kinda liked it more than we hated it, so maybe Sharknado 2 could go one better and lift bits from The Day After Tomorrow or summat, yeah?
#4 – More Jedward
Wouldn’t Jedward have been great in Sharknado? They would have, wouldn’t they? Yeah. Being as Sharknado 2 is all about duality, we reckon a pair of wild haired twins would be perfect shark fodder.
#3 – More bombs
We should have been bombing tornadoes for years, y’know. If we’d realised that you could stop one in its tracks with a little bit of firepower, there’d be little craters all over Kansas. BOMB EVERYTHING, OKAY? Kill the sharks, kill the wind and make pretty fireworks all over the screen. Poifect.
#2 – Less Tara Reid
It was funny the first time, sure, but, now that Sharknado 2 has got such a hype around it, now’s the time to pull out the big guns. Bruce Willis will do anything if you wave a wad of cash under his nose (if he’s not busy filming Die Hard 17, we suppose) and, lets face it, Lindsay Lohan needs this. She needs it. How better to shake off all that ugly bad rehab press than with a helluva lotta sharks, eh?
#1 – More period drama
Downton Abbey. Pride And Prejudice. Titanic. Les Mis. All making big bucks, all with one thing in common – they’re all set in the past. Sharknado 2 needs to go back to AT LEAST the 1800s, to a time of corsets and men in funny hats, and throw a big old snarky mess right in the middle of it.
It would win all of the Oscars ever, hands down.