Top 10 Treasure Troves… And Their Films!
#10 – Human Trash
We love Wall-E and, sure, his collection of trinkets left behind on Earth by the near-extinct human race is quite touching. However, it is, ultimately, just trash. Trash trash trash! There’s room here on this list for sentiment, so he makes it in by the skin of his robotic chompers, but we draw the line at mushiness, so that’s why he’s staying at the very bottom of the pile. Dirrrrr-ect-tivvve?
#9 – El Corazón
Romancing The Stone
What’s better than an emerald? A big fat shiny emerald, that’s what! Welcome to Romancing The Stone, in which Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas find themselves on a dangerous quest to uncover the coveted El Corazon from the depths of badtown Columbia. As Douglas quips, “one hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day!” They find the stone, they find love and then they find themselves in even bigger trouble than before. I guess this one makes us think about worth over value, or some such blah blah…
#8 – The Ark of the Covenant
Indiana Jones: Raiders Of The Lost Ark
Indiana Jones has a noser for adventure, as we all well know, so when he hears of a biblical artefact which can hold the key to humanly existence (or, you know, assist the Nazis in taking over the ENTIRE WORLD), he has to venture to farflung places like Nepal and Egypt in order to uncover its secrets. But “death has always surrounded it. It is not of this earth.” Probably best not to open that pretty golden box then…
#7 – Cursed Aztec Gold
Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl
Pirates are completely obsessed with treasure which is why we just knew that the trove in Pirates Of The Caribbean was bound to have a good haul in it somewhere. Look at all the lovely lovely gold. Wouldn’t you like to get your grubby thieving hands all over that? Actually, you wouldn’t, because it’s cursed: “For too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea. Nor the warmth of a woman’s flesh.” Rubbish. Looks good but renders you soulless. A little like a smoking hot gold-digging wife, eh?
#6 – One Eyed Willie’s Treasure
The Goonies went off in search of One Eyed Willie’s ship, just to keep themselves occupied one rainy day, and found themselves navigating a labyrinth of tunnels underneath their home town. Eventually they arrived at a large underground lagoon where Willie’s ship, The Inferno, lay waiting and , whaddaya know, it was filled to bursting with doubloon on doubloon on doubloon! Just enough to save their town from the expanding Astoria Country Club. Thank Chunk for that!
#5 – Ariel’s 20 Thingamabobs
The Little Mermaid
Ariel’s treasure is, sure, collected for sentimental value and so probably isn’t worth very much at all. Except, if you look at the painting she has nestled amongst all her odds and ends, you’ll discover that it’s Magdalene With the Smoking Flame by 17th-century artist Georges de La Tour. Add that to the fact we have a genuine mermaid knocking about and, if we were to organise a deep-sea raid, we could fetch a couple of million quid at auction at least…
#4 – Old School Pornography
Most people opt for The Heart Of The Ocean (that big blue eyesore draped around Kate Winslet’s neck?) when discussing the treasures of Titanic. Not I. I say, if you want to fetch the big bucks, you need to ditch the glamped-up glass pendant and make for Leonardo Di Caprio’s nude sketch of our favourite fire-braving actress. Old-school pornography salvaged from the bottom of the sea? Amazing. Just amazing.
#3 – Captain Flint’s Treasure
Muppet Treasure Island
Tim Curry. Muppets. Treasure. It’s just too much goodness to take in, isn’t it? There’s even a pirate with a talking parrot. “First pirates, now talking parrots, what’s next – a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?” Obviously not then. Either way, there’s an excellent haul of treasure at the heart of this excellent Muppet caper and it comes complete with the obligatory moral lesson as well. What more could you ask?
#2 – The Magic Lamp
Aladdin was sent down into the Cave of Wonders by the mysteriously evil Jafar… idiot. Obviously that guy was BOUND to try and kill him. Luckily for our diamond in the rough, the cave entrance collapses and he’s locked inside with nothing but an old lamp for company. He notices it’s dirty, gives it a rub-a-dub-dub and BOOM! He bags himself his very own Genie and three whole wishes. Awesomeness levels are OFF THE SCALE!
#1 – Evie
Jonathan: Well, I guess we go home empty handed. Again.
Rick: I wouldn’t say that.
Oh yeah, they went looking for the treasure of High Priest Imhotep and, instead, Evie (Rachel Weisz) and Rick (Brendan Fraser) fell madly in love. Who would’ve thunk it, huh? She was a librarian, he was an explorer; together, they were cinematic magic. If we landed a hotty like her we’d count ourselves very lucky indeed, which is why this treasure trumps ALL the treasures before it. Plus, unbeknownst to them, she came complete with a camel laden down with GOLD! Win win all round. God, we love Evie.