Top 10 video games that should become movies

There are countless awful videogame-to-film adaptations. What makes it all even worse is that every single time a big budget adaptation appears on the horizon, it’s met with unanimous ‘This is gonna be the first good one’ heralding, making its inevitable rubbishness an even crueller blow: see Hitman, Max Payne and Doom. Apparently, these days all it takes is a good trailer (and if you can’t sell an action or horror film by condensing its good bits into two minutes, God help you) and everyone starts anticipating the second coming of Christ.

Of course, none of this would be a problem if any of these adaptations were any good. Seeing as none of them are, it’s clear that a radical rethink is in order. A quick scan of titles provides a bit of insight; they’re all action, horror or shoot ‘em up titles, and they’re all kind of obvious choices which more or less come pre-packaged with genre staples, plots and aesthetics. Nuts to that. Time to go rogue! How’s about we dig a little deeper, and find a few wild card titles, gagging for an adaptation? Here’s ten, to get Hollywood started. YOU’RE WELCOME.

#10 – Theme Hospital

Has to be played 100% straight, obviously. ‘Doctor, get this man to the Inflation Room immediately, he’s got an extremely bloaty head!’ ‘Nurse, you fool! First I have to drain all the blood from this red man, and then I have to convince a series of men with sirens on their heads that they aren’t Elvis!’ ‘Doctor, I’ve never been spoken to like that in my life! And I’ve never wanted you more.’ [Doctor sweeps the papers off his desk, and we cut to a roaring log fire]. CREDITS.

#9 – Frogger

Two ways to do this one. If you give it to Dreamworks, you’ll get the road-crossing adventures of a plucky hero frog (Tobey Maguire) and his wacky, potential roadkill friends; a hedgehog, a fox and a pigeon. All fine, but sounds awfully like Over the Hedge. How about giving it to Michael Haneke instead? We open on a shot of one frog standing next to a road: we cannot see the road. The frog then hops offscreen, towards, we presume, the road. The camera doesn’t move for ninety minutes. Then, just before the credits roll, we cut to a shot of the frog, at home, having clearly successfully crossed the road hours ago.

#8 – Serious Sam

The adventures of Serious Sam (Worthington, an easily confused man who can only play characters with the same name as him) as he moves from one location to the other, killing EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING WITH A SERIES OF ENORMOUS GUNS. Seriously, there are not enough films where this happens. And I don’t just mean that there should be new films made in this manner, I want scenes retrofitted into existing films. Picture; Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush have an argument, Col stomps off angrily.. and fires a cannon into a giant four-armed demon’s face.

#7 – The Legend of Zelda

Well, duh. Though it’s likely to mobilize the Geek Army in full, sweaty force, this series of fantasy epics is ripe for a Willow-esque adaptation, rife as it is with magical creatures, creepy dungeons and boomerangs. All we need is a really small chap with blonde hair and pointy ears to play Link, our sort-of-Elfy protagonist. How’s about we cut Alex Pettyfer’s legs off at the knee? The slap him in the face? And then cast Jonathan Lipnicki instead, now that he’s grown up and fit?

#6 – Rollercoaster Tycoon

A harrowing psychological thriller, following the descent of one man (Paul Giamatti) as he tries to take over a struggling theme park. Gradually his hopes and dreams are shattered, as he is overwhelmed by the vast array of incredibly minute things to adjust, whilst simultaneously frustrated by the fact that none of it actually makes any difference. As the last frayed remnants of his sanity ebb away, he begins investing staggering amounts of money in rollercoasters that are way too fast and shoot their carriages into the sky, killing everyone on board.

#5 – Grand Theft Auto: London

A bald man who drives many cars and is frequently forced into violent and/or criminal scenarios (Jason Statham) does.. a series of those. In London. Also, there should be some kung fu. Basically it should be just like The Transporter and its sequels. Can we have another Transporter sequel?

#4 – ET on the Atari 2600

Based on real events, this travelogue follows Howard Scott Warshaw, the head of ET’s development team, as he leads a fleet of trucks to El Paso, Texas. Will he successfully destroy their cargo – all the unsold ET cartridges – and then encase them in concrete before burying them in a landfill? We can only hope.

#3 – The Katamari Series

Bit of a mental one, this. You play as a big ball, you roll around, everything sticks to you, eventually you get big enough to complete the level. Give this one to Emmerich or Bay; imagine hordes of terrified citizens, running, screaming, clambering over the bonnets of yellow taxis (there’s always yellow taxis), frantically trying to get away from.. a delightfully coloured ball, covered in benches, trees, umbrellas, cars, bins and, OF COURSE, the disembodied head of the Statue of Liberty.

#2 – Age of Empires

For two and a half hours, watch a civilization as it’s built from the ground up, from a tiny, rickety town centre to a mighty, bustling metropolis. See forests razed, mines er.. mined, and men becoming warriors. Then, for the last forty five minutes, watch a group of about twenty soldiers and men on horses as they enter an enemy village and systematically destroy each building one by one, very slowly. Alternatively, pause the film, type ‘Pow!’ with the remote and watch as an army of babies with trikes and giant guns do the same thing, much faster.

#1 – Shaq Fu

Shaquille O’Neal, Man of Hoops, is on his way to a charity basketball game in Japan when he wanders into a mysterious dojo, and is transported into another dimension. Using the power of kung-fu, Shaq must rescue a young boy named Nezu from Sett-Ra, the evil mummy. Finally combining the two disciplines of kung-fu and basketball, Shaq Fu will… what? Yes, it’s real. It… look, it came out on the Sega Mega Drive in 1994, EA published it… I happen to think it’s a very good concept… Shaq could play himself! …Well, I don’t see what THAT has to do anything… fine, you don’t like it; how about Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City? YES IT’S REAL…

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