Why Alpha And Omega Makes Me Want To Hurt Things

Life is full of little irritations. Say, for instance, the pavement decides it would be hilarious to get all up in your feet, making you spill your tea on a passing tramp. No biggy, right? At least you’re not the tramp. And if you are the tramp, at least you’re warmer now. You missed the bus EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S FOLLOWING THE BUS SCHEDULE NOT THE BUS DAMN YOU TFL or maybe your phone decided to take a little trip down toilet avenue. These things happen. However, occasionally, just occasionally, something happens in your life that is so horrendous, so mind-graspingly punch inducing that you can not, hell, WILL not, just sit back and allow it to pass you by. Today I watched the trailer for Alpha And Omega. Consider this my revolution.

So, the premise of Alpha And Omega is simple. It’s every film that has been released in the last 2 years, with wolf costumes. And not even good wolf costumes. The kind of wolf costume you’d be forced to wear if your mum got drunk again and forgot about the wilderness party she’d promised to help with until 2 hours before you had to leave the house. That kind of wolf costume.

So, let’s look at the set-up, shall we? Ideally I’d like to embed bits of trailers here, but WordPress is made of sin and therefore shuns anything not pure-bred Youtube and Google – so I’m afraid you’ll be forced to click on the links like they did back in the 50s. Everyone OK with that? Let’s get to it.

Below is the full trailer for you to watch, in case you’re feeling that all too familiar self-hate, or need to get pumped for a fist-fight with a damp and vengeful tramp:

Reasons why Alpha And Omega needs to die.

1. Their entire premise is hackneyed, done to death and makes me want to pour black paint over my head and dance slowly and mournfully

So first of all, lets check out the premise. Two wolves from entirely different sides of the social spectrum. She, a beautiful, successful and shiny she-wolf on the top of her game, he a bit of a loser, a nobody, with a lot of wise-cracking mates.

Remind you of anything? Ah yes. I remember now. Well there’s this, and this and even, lest we forget, this. It’s a premise that is now so very dull that you’ve got to work pretty hard to make it seem like something new. Still. They’re animals! That’s new, right? Well, no. Remember this?

2. Why bother with a new, vibrant setting when you can rip one off?

The opening to Alpha And Omega shows a massive stampede rage down in some kind of stony gorge, as wolves snap at their heels and the ground shakes before them. It’s pretty epic stuff, as you can see here . Now, the problem with it? It’s The Lion King. Seriously. It’s The Lion King, but the cartoon somehow looks about seventeen times more realistic than the shoddy CGI. Take a look. I’m pretty sure that’s actually the same gorge.

3. The story is so obvious that I want them all to die

Two completely opposing characters who have nothing in common, stuck together. Uh oh, an epic journey together to reach a similar goal? By golly they hate each other, but it looks like they’re have to WORK TOGETHER in order to survive. Wait a sec, it looks like they’re not so different after all! Who’d have thunk! If anything, it looks like their bond is, in fact, getting STRONGER the more time they spend together! This is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like this before! (Planes, Trains and Automobiles, One Fine Day, The Princess And The Frog, Little Miss Sunshine, Thelma and Louise, Dirty Dancing, Wall-E, Beauty and The Beast, The Emperor’s New Groove, Midnight Run, Out Of Sight, Shrek…)

4.Nothing that happens in it is funny in any way

As we almost anything in life, we happy little humans are likely to forgive your every sin if you’re making us laugh. But sadly, the “jokes” that Alpha And Omega deliver are mainly arse-based (seriously, there are like 4 of them in the trailer, and one of the lines HILARIOUSLY notes this – “Again with the butt!” ahaha. Bums. Bums eh? Brilliant.) The puns are dreadful (“Idaho!?” “Ida-who?”) and – once again – anything vaguely resembling a comical set-up has been stolen from other, better films. Painful-but-hilarious double rope swing across two cliff faces over a river? Hi, Emperor’s New Groove. Well spoken but fairly old-fashioned and knowledgeable British bird character? It’s Zazu from The Lion King! Frightening-but-ultimately-beautiful makeshift sledge through ice tunnels? Step forward Ice Age. I could go on, but my keyboard is malfunctioning due to being covered in tears.

5. The CGI. Oh the CGI.

Wait, are we watching footage from the game they knocked up to accompany the release? Or… oh.

Alpha And Omega. I bet Pixar are shitting themselves. Spread the word – the day we are forced to pay 12 quid for this (“in EYE-POPPING 3D“, don’t forget), is the day our society goes feral.

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