Much has been made of Transcendence, the directorial debut by Christopher Nolan’s longtime pet cinematographer Wally Pfister. Johnny Depp in a supercomputer! Morgan Freeman in a jumper! Rebecca Hall, there for some reason (seriously, why do people keep hiring her?)! It’s all pretty exciting, right? Gnarly, even. We are absolutely certain that Wally Pfister uses the word ‘gnarly’ – and when he says something is gnarly, he (presumably) means it.

Transcendence looks gnarly. Which, for the duration of this news story, means ‘unwatchably bad’:

You know, you just KNOW that if Johnny Depp looks normal at the beginning of the trailer something kooky is going to happen inside the first forty seconds. Oh no, the scientist has been shot by radicals! There’s obviously only one thing to do: mourn him and improve lab security UPLOAD HIM INTO AN UNSTABLE GIANT COMPUTER RELAY. I mean, these guys look surprised that he’s lost his humanity and is wrecking the world by trying to make it better. Didn’t they see Watchmen? And why does everything float up at the end? Is Jean Grey round the corner, fretting because her Excel spreadsheet of baby X-Men basketball team rotations doesn’t work now Johnny Depp’s mind has taken over the world’s computers?

We’re too frustrated to type. Vincent, what do you think?

@JM_Underwood Have you seen the Transcendence trailer yet? Wally Pfister can fist his wally, it looks crap

— VJK (@vincekenny) February 12, 2014

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What do you think of Transcendence? That it looks awful? Correct.