The follow-up to A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures, Sammy’s Great Escape once again unites long-time turtle pals Sammy and Ray – this time in an attempt to find their way home after they’re captured by poachers and shipped off to a fancy aquarium. Aimed at a very young audience, parents and those old enough to hold a decent conversation will struggle to find Sammy’s Great Escape anything but tedious. It’s a pleasant enough film if you’re 6 years old, but that’s literally it.

To celebrate Sammy the turtle’s epic return to the big blue screen in A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Great Escape (in 3D, no less!), we’ve compiled a list of our favourite cinematic members of the order Testudines. We love a bit of turtle action here at BFF, and you know you can always count on us to deliver a comprehensive list of Hollywood reptiles (not terrapins, though, those guys are dicks). Has YOUR favourite chelonian made our Top 10? Read on to find out!

Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

A Turtle’s Tale, the biography of a dismally boring chelonian who spends fifty years biffing around in the sea and then turns into John Hurt, has been billed as an adventure/thrillride/treat etc “for all the family”. Should you wish to protest this blatant lie, the Trading Standards Institute can be found here; nobody over the age of five will find any joy in Sammy’s aimless paddling, trite relationships and pious eco-preaching.

D’you know what, Sammy? Real turtles – the sort that are 3D even if you’re not wearing glasses – actually don’t have quite as jammy a life as you. We explore some of the dodgier moments in your average non-voiced-by-Dominic-Cooper-and-John-Hurt chelonian’s life to find out what probably won’t pop up in A Turtle’s Tale.

How do you know what you’re going to see at the cinema next month? You’re busy people – Facebook won’t update itself, and you’ve probably got a relationship to neglect or something. Oh, you haven’t? Sorry. Well, there’s no point in trying to meet another human adult now, you may as well just read this blog.