So Jake Lloyd – aka, the wrong Anakin Skywalker – has recently been in the news citing The Phantom Menace as the reason his life turned out all wrong. Join the club, Jake. We’re all suffering here. Anyway, the ironic thing is that Jake Lloyd’s life being hilariously crap is possibly the one thing in the world we can’t actually blame on George Lucas. Why? Read on…

George Lucas’ mammoth rerelease of all six Star Wars films in 3D has finally begun with the most profitable of them all, 1999’s The Phantom Menace. Are you thinking about going to see it, just for old times’ sake? DON’T. There’s no need for you to ruin your comfortably rose-tinted memories of Lucas’ increasingly childish ‘space operas’, and he’ll only use the money to increase the diameter of his neck some more…

Child actors, eh? They’re fine – a little creepy, perhaps, but fine. The trouble comes when they stop being child actors – some fade quietly into the undergrowth and a few go on to glittering careers as real actors, but many others fall by the wayside, unable to survive the transition to adult actorhood. Maybe they just shouldn’t try? John and Florence duke it out…