Paul WS Anderson has committed the greatest act of cultural rape since Stephenie Meyer thought “Whitby and dogs are all very well, but none of it’s really sparkly enough…”. The Three Musketeers is plagiarised from so many disparate sources that I can scarcely keep up with them – unfortunately, however, Alexandre Dumas’ classic romance isn’t among them. This film is unforgivable.

Maybe Mike Myers could cameo? No?

Wondering what to fill your days with in 2012? We recommend some light viewing, considering the world will probably be over then. Here are our best and worst for next year. Prepare to be angry, then a little happy, then quite confused, and then happy again.

WHY NOT

No stripes! No spiral staircases! No Helena Bonha- wait.

Take a deep breath and prepare yourself for an exhaustive year of EPIC action films. 2012 is the official year of explosive sequels, daring superheroes and hardcore fairy tales. Just make sure you have an oxygen tank nearby.

A strange costume? THAT’S NOT LIKE YOU JOHN

Heading out on the town tonight and looking to make some new, ahem, “acquaintances”? Not quite as adept with the lingo of love as you’d like to be? Been shot down more times than Boromir in The Lord Of The Rings? Now is not the time to panic, as we’ve done all the hard work for you. After scouring the film database, we’ve pulled out the top 10 chat-up lines that can be applied to any romantic situation, ever ever. So read them. Learn them. Dazzle the opposite sex with them and, when you get laid, send us a box of chocolates. We like chocolates…

Captain Jack! CAPTAIN JACK! We’ve found the rum, mate.

Fancy yourself as a lover of all things cinema? Hungry for the most amazing films events around the country? Look no further; we’ve compiled a list of some of the most magical UK movie events in a big fat buffet of cinematic goodness for you to sink your teeth into…