There isn’t an Adam Sandler film out this week! If there’s a better reason to go to the cinema tonight, we certainly haven’t found it. Two for one tickets! Oranges! Wordplay! Hurrah!

Have you seen the weather? It’s ghastly – never mind that you were having a picnic last weekend, Jack Frost is back and he’s all too ready to introduce an icicle to your most jealously guarded passages. Why not sit in a nice cosy cinema with someone huggable instead of wandering around outside? OWLTIME:

OK, so it’s not exactly been a seminal week in terms of film releases, but that’s simply no excuse to spend your time with family, friends or miscellaneous loved ones. Today is Wednesday, DAMMIT. And today we sit in a smug, two for one darkness, safe in the knowledge that our on-screen pals will always be there for us. Except for Katherine Heigl, obviously.

After the earth-shatteringly offensive event that was the release of Adam “cry for help” Sandler’s Jack And Jill, this week was always going to feel like the slightly shaky recovery period after a fairly severe stroke. With that in mind, we’re going to try and go easy on this week’s releases. We really are. What’s that? Ghost-Rider, Spirit of Nic Cage’s Constant Failures? Oh forget it, sign us up to a DNR and let the glorious abyss take over…

Muppets Muppets Muppets Muppets Muppets! And what we actually mean by that is, there are plenty of choices for your Orange voucher this week. But mainly if you don’t go and see The Muppets, you’re probably dying of some terrible disease. LET’S TALK:

DEAR GOD NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN COLDER THAN THIS. No more smugly wearing hats, no more wistful wintery walks, no more thinking about how nice it’ll feel when we’re finally indoors – this is madness. Get thee to a cinema. For your health. FOR YOUR HEALTH, WE SAY.

OH MY GOD IT’S COLD! The best place to be when it’s cold is definitely tucked up in a warm, germy cinema, breathing in everyone else’s diseases and comforting your pancreas with a dose of nutritious citrus. But what will your eyes do whilst your pancreas is having a smoothie and your immune system is dying? Time to find out!

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL DOING LOOKING AT YOUR COMPUTER? DON’T YOU KNOW W.E. IS OUT? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT? QUICK, BEFORE ALL THE TICKETS IN THE WORLD ARE GONE GONE GONE!

On the day where Wikipedia has been blacked out for the good of free speech and an unregulated world wide web, today will be a celebration of half-forgotten GCSE history facts, vague references to “that guy… you know, that one,” and regret at not having found out more about Fidel Castro when you had the chance. TOO LATE NOW. Might as well go to the cinema, eh? Two for one! Who needs knowledge when you have FREE?

Another week of 2012 ebbs away, and the offerings at your local gigaplex are still distressingly dull – basically, it’s sugar-coated biopics of female politicians or bust. Still, if there’s one thing we know how to do it’s make the best of a bad situation – all you need is to go on and on about The Artist even though it came out last week! Yay!