Two households, both alike in dignity/ In fair Verona, where we lay our scene/ From ancient grudge break to new mutiny/ Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean/ From forth the fatal loins of these two foes/ A pair of star-cross’d GNOMES IT’S ALL BLOODY GNOMES AAARGH.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Apart from very new couples who are still overdosing on saccharine, there really isn’t a single adult human – taken or unattached – who enjoys its enforced affection and awkward present-buying. Of course, the torture is worse if you know you’re planning to ditch your other half but still have to lavish them with contrived pseudo-love – and that’s where we come in…