A Turtle’s Tale, the biography of a dismally boring chelonian who spends fifty years biffing around in the sea and then turns into John Hurt, has been billed as an adventure/thrillride/treat etc “for all the family”. Should you wish to protest this blatant lie, the Trading Standards Institute can be found here; nobody over the age of five will find any joy in Sammy’s aimless paddling, trite relationships and pious eco-preaching.

How do you know what you’re going to see at the cinema next month? You’re busy people – Facebook won’t update itself, and you’ve probably got a relationship to neglect or something. Oh, you haven’t? Sorry. Well, there’s no point in trying to meet another human adult now, you may as well just read this blog.