Blackbeard trades his tricorn for a crown.

And he’s running! Running!

How would you define ‘guilty pleasure’? Listening to ABBA? Stealing Pick’n’Mix? Cutting up orphans and dissolving them in an acid bath? Those are all valid examples of guilty pleasures, but now that Burlesque exists they only qualify thanks to the same sort of linguistic technicality which allows us to simultaneously describe both Ann Widdecombe and Natalie Portman as ‘people’. More addictive than crack and less than half as nutritious, Burlesque is a whole new filthy world of awesome.

Based on two memoirs set more than 50 years apart it’s a story about self-discovery, relationships, the art of French cuisine and how to boil the perfect egg. We cut between the 1950’s and 2002 where Meryl Strepe and Amy Adams show us the way around a kitchen and how food can make or break a relationship.

Imagine if Steven Spielberg directed Twilight or James Cameron the first Harry Potter. That’s the level of hype we’re talking here, when one of this generation’s best-selling books joins forces with one of the biggest directors of our time in this month’s The Lovely Bones.