A Date with Horror: Make This One A Bloody Good Valentine’s
For all too long, the vapid, interchangeable bimbo that is the rom-com has dominated the Valentine’s date-night market, leaving these misunderstood bad boys of horror spending the most romantic evening of the year alone to contemplate rejection, project pent-up sexual frustrations, and dine solo on fava beans and nice chianti.
Prospective dates may not have stuck around long enough in the past, and any significant relationships may have been somewhat short-lived but these unlucky-in-loves haven’t given up yet;they’re disturbed, single and ready to gore-mingle…
The Funny Guy:
FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street Franchise)
A snappy dresser with a genuine lust for (your) life – this charismatic kidder would be anyone’s dream date, and his sharp wit is bound to keep you in fits of hysteria. But don’t be fooled by the bawdy machismo, behind it lies a deep-seated longing, just waiting to be fulfilled by that special Mr. Right.
JIGSAW (Saw Franchise)
Jigsaw aka John Kramer is the quintessential modern-day philosopher. While his fixation with mind games and meticulous attention to (graphic) detail may become tedious, this eccentric is really just looking for his perfect fit, dying to share his inventive ideas on the humanitarian cause with someone equally unconventional – and strong-stomached.
The Strong and Silent Type:
JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th Franchise)
This avid (blood) sports fan and sensitive shy-guy may have mommy-issues, but he’s got a never-say-die attitude and is willing to make room in his life to pursue the right girl. Relentlessly.
The Family Man:
LEATHERFACE (Texas Chainsaw Massacre Franchise)
His penchant for power-tools may be disturbing, but all this big ‘ole softie wants is a decent gal to bring home to the folks, settle down with, and together, enjoy the simple pleasures of backward country life.
Vegetarians need not apply.
NORMAN BATES (Psycho,Psycho II, Psycho III, Psycho IV: The Beginning, Psycho – the 1998 remake)
Norman has a passion for the hospitality business, and likes to keep a close eye on his guests. His preoccupation with work could take some getting used to, but this straight-laced boy-next-door promises to preserve the right relationship.
And you know what they say about men who treat their mothers well…even if it is with a formaldehyde solution.
HANNIBAL LECTER (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Red Dragon, Hannibal Rising)
The well-travelled and engaging Dr. Lecter is the consummate cognoscenti, with a distinct taste for the finer things in life. His acquired appetites may not be to everyone’s liking, but he is one killer cook.
The Hopeless Romantic:
DRACULA (way too many adaptations to mention)
Talk, dark and preternaturally handsome, Dracula loves moonlight strolls, necking in the dark and carotid fetishism. This aristocratic sucker for romance proves that chivalry is not dead, just undead, and yearns to discover an undying love(r).
With such a vulgarly virile selection of homicidal man-honeys, why not ditch your dates (and the rom-coms) and stay in with horror this Valentine’s, because when these guys promise to keep you up all night long, at least they ain’t faking it….