Monday

Monday’s big news was OMG NEW BESTFORFILM INTERNS! We were so excited about the sudden arrival of Robert and David that we had to ask the world to put the news on hold until we had some spare time, but a few cheeky buggers made it into the papers anyway. Most notably, the BAFTAs happened and The Artist basically won all the prizes like it’s done everywhere else. Standard. Oddly, everything else that happened on Monday was vaguely fairytale-based – Saoirse Ronan signed up for pseudo-Snow-Whitey action film The Order of the Seven, Angelina Jolie is finally getting under way with Maleficent and a pixie stole Tash’s hairbrush. It happens.

Tuesday

There’s an old proverb (probably. Proverbly. HA) that goes like this: ‘Tuesday news, Tuesday news, not too bad but not too goo…s’. Never was it more true than this week, when the twirling tombola drum of the universe served us up three big stories – one really exciting, one utterly dreadful and one totally uninteresting to anyone with mature genitals and/or at least 115 IQ points. Saving the best for last, then, we were first treated to the crushingly inevitable news that Michael Bastard Bay will be directing what will presumably be called Trans4mers. Next comes the thrilling story of Selena Gomez’ decision to join Hotel Transylvania, which Miley Cyrus had to pull out of because she couldn’t get any good weed in the Carpathians. And finally, Michael Keaton is well up for Beetlejuice 2! Yay!

Wednesday

As we reached the midpoint of the week, the world was shaken by news of rip-offs, remakes and sequels. There’s a new poster for Titanic, which is now in 3D as if that’s even remotely necessary, and Billy Bob Thornton wants to crack on with Bad Santa 2 although it’s totes not Christmas for AGES. Jonny Lee ‘Trainspotting’ Miller is taking over from his Frankenstein buddy Bendydick Cumonmybaps for a US remake of the BBC’s Sherlock, and someone published an interview with Whitney about her new film. Cold, bro.

Thursday

Was it Sesame Street that had a number and a letter that sponsored every day or something? Whatever – the point is that Thursday was, in a funny sort of way, all about stories with a connection to the colour black. Oprah Winfrey is reportedly about to join The Butler, Lee Daniels’ film about a black butler at the White House who outlasts eight presidents throughout the civil rights battles of the 60s. Forest Whitaker, who is still best known for playing Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland (he’s definitely one of our least favourite Africans) is now going to take on the role of Archbishop Desmond Tutu in Roland Joffe’s forthcoming The Archbishop And The Antichrist. We love Desmond Tutu, he told us a joke about a policeman at a cocktail party once. True story. Also, the BAFTA Game nominations are out; L.A. Noire and Batman (who is a massive black bat, basically) totally owned the shortlists. None of that was at all racist, was it?

Friday

Friday finally arrived, and dear old Ridley Scott decided to ease us gently into the weekend with OH JESUS WHAT WAS THAT? The new teaser for Prometheus is exactly what we didn’t need to chill out over, although a nice giggle at the thought of Liam Neeson playing President Lyndon B. Johnson in that butler film did take the edge off. In other news, Jamie Blackley (who?) has joined 300: Battle for Artemisia, which we’ve realised doesn’t even have any Spartans in it, and Jennifer Aniston has been allowed to do that thing where her name gets written on a star and then the star is stuck on the pavement as if she’s any sort of real actress. Pfft.