*Tensions are mounting in BFF Towers. Flo’s banging on about the fact she can’t watch seven hours of depressing French cinema due to our lack of Blu-Ray access, John’s worried about the fact that the star of Oliver is no longer a child, and Johnny’s still annoyed he pulled the Centipede straw. Can Tash pull it together in time for the weekly fruit-fest? No. Obviously.*

Tash (just sacrificed herself to the Gods of Watching Nic Cage At The Weekend):

The lemon, not only for this week but for all time, is The Human Centipede: Full Sequence. It’s had all the funny bits sandpapered out of it by the BBFC, all the splattery indulgence MONOCHROMED away by delusions of grandeur and all the sterling performances from worthy actors… well, no, they’re all still there. Hard to miss, seeing as they’re arse-to-mouthand all. Instead, I think we should all pay a lot more attention to innocuous little drama Weekend – a well-written, carefully shot and genuinely refreshing little romance that does more for cinema in its opening titles than anything Tom Six has ever or will ever come up with.

Orange Choice: Weekend
Ultimate Lemon: The Human Centipede: Full Sequence

Jonny (paid for his Centipede ticket, just like 10 other people in the world):

This week has possibly the most absolute and unconditional lemon I will ever offer, in the form of The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence. It’s not that I don’t love rimming and torture, it’s just that there is absolutely no-one on earth who will actually enjoy this tedious piece of rubbish. I’m glad Tom Six is able to have an erection again, but I don’t think he really needs to put his masturbation aid on the big screen. As for my orange, I’ve got to pick Junkhearts. I love the name and it’s going to be dark, gritty and deep. Alcoholism, drugs AND emotions? Yes please, I’ve got to find something genuinely harrowing just to get the taste of centipede out of my (metaphorical) mouth.

Orange Choice: Junkhearts
Ultimate Lemon: The Human Centipede: Full Sequence

John (*insert something smug and Latin*):

This week I’m flying in the face of Best For Film’s review (we make it all up really) and squeezing Philip Seymour Hoffman a celebratory glass of orange juice in celebration of his directorial debut Jack Goes Boating. Honestly, what do you people want? PSH is universally fabulous, Amy Ryan wears scarves like no-one living and if John Ortiz was just a bit less ugly I’d totally fancy him. And there’s swimming in it, everyone loves swimming. QED. In fact, perhaps it’s the lack of swimming which makes the unnecessary and incompetent Straw Dogs remake so very bad. Transplanted plot, dumbed down relationships and no Susan George with her tits out? I’ll pass.

Orange Choice: Jack Goes Boating
Ultimate Lemon: Straw Dogs

Flo (friend to the noble blackcurrant):

So I’ve got this orange. It’s a really nice orange and I’ve tied a ribbon around it as well to make it into a nice gift. BUT WHO SHALL RECEIVE THE SPECIAL ORANGE? I think it will have to go to Tower Heist. Because, say what you will, Eddie Murphy is funny, Ben Stiller is funny and Casey Affleck is almost the same as Ben Affleck if not better! Throw in a high rise building and you have something really wonderful. My Lemon of Despair (it doesn’t even have a ribbon) is being thrown squarely in the face of The Future because the cat in the trailer has an unrealistic voice, and also because films like this annoy me. Stop making annoying films where people with curly hair go around dancing in unusual places and wearing too many jumpers! I just don’t like it!

Orange Choice: Tower Heist
Ultimate Lemon: The Future

Papa N (has apparently been wasting time chatting about Perry):

This week, and for the remains of its theatrical run (I miss all of the good bandwagons), my orange goes to Lynne Ramsay for her staggeringly brilliant We Need To Talk About Kevin. She can have all of my fruit, every last grape. Hell, I’d even trust her with the good parts of my lemon – the zest and the bit that you use to make curd – with which she could no doubt adapt another masterpiece. Seriously, watch it with every eye you can find, and then we can all band together and stop children from being allowed to happen.
Orange Choice: We Need To Talk About Kevin
Ultimate Lemon: Is Immortals even out yet?

What will you watching this week? Let us know below. Unless it’s the Centipede film, in which case RUN! RUN TO THE CINEMA! YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR WRITING, TOM’S CAREER DEPENDS ON YOU!