Kayleigh’s back! She’s actually back! For, like, ages! Go on, Kayleigh, break it down:

Kayleigh (the risen Jesus):
This week, I am presenting my lemon to Sammy’s Great Escape. And I’m really bloody upset about it, ok? I wanted to be on board / overboard with this animated under-the-sea flick because, let’s face it, who doesn’t love a talking turtle on a serious quest with environmentalist undertones? But, sadly, it’s turned out to be a knock-off of Finding Nemo. Only with leatherback turtles instead of clownfish, a dull storyline as opposed to a brilliant one and sub-standard animation rather than Disney Pixar brilliance. You suck on that lemon Sammy – and you learn to like it. In the meantime, I’m preserving my juicy orange in an airtight box until next week, when Oscar nominated Nazis-with-a-heart flick Lore comes out. Because there is LITERALLY nothing new out this week worth a tiny Clementine segment.

Orange Choice: absolutely nothing
Ultimate Lemon: Sammy’s Great Escape

Ray (incapable of reading a release schedule):
Might check out the old Baz Luhrmann films that are apparently back in the cinema to celebrate the long-awaited release of his Gatsby adaptation. I like a song and a dance and a bit of Shakespeare as much as the next drunken Irishman with a degree in Shakespeare. It would be an honour to embrace my position in society. Orange for Baz. On the other hand, This is 40 – a sequel to Knocked Up you say? A look at the lives of Pete and Debbie a few years after said event? But who are Pete and Debbie? Why would I care about their fake lives, particularly if its all about how weird it is being 40 and having responsibilities and not being able to go out, get drunk, then go out and get drunk again like we did in our youth. Oh how amusing, how essentially true to the stuff of life such an affair is sure to be. Hold on, I’ll run out and get a cinema ticket right after I’ve finished doing a bit of pleasant gardening or looking at the household accounts. This means nothing to me, and I despise meaningless things. I would withold the lemon if it would be seen as a greater gesture of contempt, only I’m not sure that it would

Orange Choice: Moulin Rouge and Romeo + Juliet
Ultimate Lemon: This is 40

Carlotta (apostrophe apostle):
Christ. This week is a barren land for cinemas everywhere. Literally nothing is on that anyone has heard of who cares about. Poor old cinema. But it makes my job easier because I can complain about everything, which is always fun. I’ll start by handing my lemon to Run For Your Wife, because LOL. The only person going to see that film will be John ‘I <3 Danny Dyer' Underwood and blind old people and maybe a hobo who finds £3 on the street. £3, because that's how much it costs to go see this astonishing bit of tripe... at 11am... at one cinema only. For all you sensible humans out there, take note as I hand my orange to For Ellen, which looks very sad and poignant but also quietly uplifting.. maybe. And it has Paul Dano. Who doesn’t love Paul Dano? For Ellen looks a little bit like The Wrestler but more psychologically complex, and everyone loves to be challenged emotionally in the cinema. Have fun y’all.

Orange Choice: For Ellen
Ultimate Lemon: Run For Your Wife

John (Dyercidal maniac):
I knew there was a reason I liked you, Carlotta. I’ll be delivering a lemon directly into Danny Dyer’s face this week, although with Run For Your Wife‘s dismal box-office showing he’ll probably consider such a vitamin-loaded missile a rare and delicious treat. And with that in mind, I’ll be following up my citrussy act of charity with the one-two punch that is a gleaming orange. Why? Because I’m genuinely glad to see so many stalwarts of British showbiz lend their hand to such a patently ridiculous project – Cliff, Judi, Lionel, you’re all jolly good sorts. Why not give doddering director Ray Cooney the chance to see his name in lights once more? It’s still going to be an absolute bloody abortion of a film, mind you.

Orange Choice: Run For Your Wife
Ultimate Lemon: Run For Your Wife

Will you be Running For Your Wife or just running for your life? Let us know below!