*The mood is somewhere between jovial and strained at Best For Film Towers; a mystery member of the office is playing truly awful light jazz, and it’s putting everyone’s teeth on edge. This may not be conducive to a calm and adult discussion…*

Tash (doesn’t know how to pronounce ‘bath’):
Any film that endorses copious drug use is always going to be on my hit-list, and so this week’s I’ll be endeavouring to pill-pop my troubles away with Limitless. It’ll be nice to see Bradley Cooper without that pesky hangover, and let’s be honest, Robert DeNiro would still get it. Speaking of inappropriate drug-induced sex acts, don’t go and see Country Strong. It’s just two hours of Gwyneth Paltrow trying to get off with a doe-eyed cowLAD, with everyone singing the same song over and over again. And the song is rubbish.

Orange Choice: Limitless
Ultimate Lemon: Country Strong

Cal (once wrote a poem about a sealion):
When a film has the tagline “He’s turtly amazing” I feel sick for two reasons. First because I didn’t think up such a witty pun, and secondly because it suggests that the film in question will involve turtles. This is rarely a good thing. Remember the turtles in Finding Nemo? Those high-fiving douchebag surfer-turtles? Well hopefully the turtle in A Turtle’s Tale might be a little more palatable, but I still refuse to see it. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you can usually judge a film by its inclusion of CGI turtles. Orange-wise it’s The Eagle; Channing Tatum is wildly underrated. (I’m not being sarcastic.)

Orange Choice: The Eagle
Ultimate Lemon: A Turtle’s Tale

*Naturally, Jim disdains all this talk of eagles and turtles.*

Jim (a simmering cauldron of lust – hang on, that’s Alice):
Faster. Who saw this one coming? Well apparently no one, judging by its limited release; you’ll have to search this one out. A revenge-thriller starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, it’s not perfect but it’s an enjoyable romp where the The Rock holds his own as the burly ex-con with a grudge and Billy Bob Thornton achieves his usual standard of excellence as the junkie cop tasked with his capture. Anuvahood, the disowned spawn of the Kidulthood series, is a film with a wider release than Faster, a fact that seems grossly unfair given only a small minority of the British public are even going to be able to understand it, so laden with slang is the dialogue. Unfortunately I did understand it. The slang that is – the film itself is an inherently incoherent mess. And not funny. And features Richard Blackwood.

Orange Choice: Faster
Ultimate Lemon: Anuvahood

Alice (yep, this is the one. Definitely on a rolling boil, she is):
I have been told in no uncertain terms that A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures is terrible. And this is from a bloke who likes hanging round cinemas whilst children’s films are on, so he knows his stuff. I’ve also heard that turtle racing is really boring, which shocked me. I would advocate The Eagle for Jamie Bell and Channing Tatum’s lovely homoerotic not-quite-relationship (I still think the scriptwriters missed a trick there), and I know it’s not politically correct to say so but they are very pretty.

Orange Choice: The Eagle
Ultimate Lemon: A Turtle’s Tale

Cherise (tells dire tales of life in darkest Africa):
I just read the synopsis on Country Strong and the bizarre wording includes such ambiguous phrases as “Together, they mount his ascent…”Such terminology can only conjure concurrently awful visions of bestiality, Brokeback Mountain and reruns of Paltrow whinnying her way through her cameo in Glee – I’ll pass, thanks. Contrarily (but in keeping with the anthropomorphisms), I’ve decided to bequeath my orange-love to the charming Chelonian tale that according to John Underwood, should be about purple flower-cocks, but won’t be. I don’t really want to see the abomination that is A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures, but antagonising everyone else is what I’m here for.

Orange Choice: A Turtle’s Tale
Ultimate Lemon: Country Strong

*Oh, dear…*

John (was genuinely, literally mistaken for a paedophile yesterday):
You had to do it, Cherise, didn’t you? You can never just accept that maybe I’m right about the lack of purple flower cocks and the dreadful eco-nonsense, you’ve got to make waves. Well, here’s a wave for you: I’ve changed your profile picture to a turtle, since you love them so much. How d’you like them apples, turtle girl? I’ll be seeing Faster, because The Rock is a hyperLAD and I liked him in The Tooth Fairy; you should obviously listen to Cal and Alice (Calice!) and shun the turtly shit A Turtle’s Tale.

Orange Choice: Faster
Ultimate Lemon: The Eagle

*Was the conclusion that you should be seeing the eagle film, or the turtle film? Not even we are sure. Happy animal-watching!*