*Disaster has struck at the hardy walls of Best For Film Towers! Tash, our steadfast Captain General, is trapped in a yurt somewhere in the West Country, so John has taken temporary (and somewhat shambolic) command in an attempt to preserve the last flicker of light in a darkening world. First up today, tanned and fit from his recent excursion to Cannes, is perennial favourite Papa Neish.*

Papa Neish (was roller-skating in France last week. What were you doing?):
It will most likely be dreadful, but this Wednesday I advise that you join the masses in giving Captain Jack Sparrow one last chance to turn it around – especially after Johnny Depp did his publicists proud in visiting an unassuming school in Greenwich back in October. Should you wish to have the screen to yourselves, however, go and see Take Me Home Tonight: a film you have most likely never heard of. Having spent the entirety of the film’s endless running time certain in the knowledge that I was watching Kristen Stewart massacring a smile, I was shocked to learn it was in fact Teresa Palmer going to considerable lengths to out-crap the comparatively dreadful I Am Number Four. If you are the kind of person who solves all of life’s problems by riding a giant metal ball into a swimming pool, this movie is for you.

Orange Choice: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Ultimate Lemon: Take Me Home Tonight

Richard (is more into cartoons than you, guaranteed. Even if you’re a little girl):
Screw it, I’m going to orange Pirates. We all know it’s past the time when this cow should had been put out to pasture but I can’t get enough of the swashbuckling fun, and Johnny Depp is still a laugh as Captain Jack. This film doesn’t have Orlando Bloom or Keira Knightley in it either, so maybe that means they’ll be some GOOD acting in this one. It’s a pure escapist piece of pap, and one that I will indulge. Take Me Home Tonight, however, looks truly shite. Has anything Anna Faris done ever been good? Take me home tonight, very quickly, if you see me walking into the cinema to this.

Orange Choice: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Ultimate Lemon: Take Me Home Tonight

*A matched pair of OWLy opinions! Such a marvel comes about but once in a lifetime, surely? Is it too much to hope for three of a kind? Ah yes, it clearly is.*

John (nearly managed to pap Christian Bale this afternoon):
This week my Orange is Love Like Poison, the extraordinary, unmissable debut from Ivorian director Katell Quillévéré. Dealing with impossibly weighty themes – love, faith, sexuality, death, betrayal, COUNT ‘EM – in a fresh and touching manner, her tale of a Catholic schoolgirl forced to confront the ugly reality of human relationships bodes well both for her career and that of precocious star Clara Augarde. It is with a deep sense of sadness that I feel I must Lemon poor Captain Jack and his Pirates of the Caribbean – I loved the first film and sat through the rest of the trilogy willingly enough, but the time has surely come for Johnny Depp to hang up his tricorn. Enough now.

Orange Choice: Love Like Poison
Ultimate Lemon: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Sarah (is fighting a grim war of attrition with pasta):
It’s been the number one film in the box office for an amazing three straight weeks, I squeeze my orange with Scandinavian gusto at Thor. I cheer for Kenneth Branagh‘s new found ability to make a movie not written by Shakespeare! Besides, I need to see Natalie Portman on screen without thinking she’s about to have her fingernails ripped out. However I’d rather walk the Camino de Santiago dragging Thor’s hammer behind me than watch Emilio Estevez direct his father in self-indulgent The Way. Whoever thought it would be fun to make a film about a very long walk, must be on a mission from god, or Millets.

Orange Choice: Thor
Ultimate Lemon: The Way

*Hang about, Deirdre’s not having this…*

Deirdre (is apparently very good at interviews):
Given that I want to enjoy my cinema experience (and not indulge Johnny Depp’s never-ending ode to himself) this week I will be lemoning Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides. Did we not get enough of this drunken pirate in the first instalment, never mind the next three? GIVE IT UP! Too many sequels not enough story. I want to see something inspirational with a beautifully heart-warming story. The Way will provide that! Everything about it is just lovely; the characters, the scenery, the story, everything. Soppy; but that’s the way I like it!

Orange Choice: The Way
Ultimate Lemon: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

*Lemon and then Orange? Controversial! Thankfully, we’ve got Kob to calm us down after Deirdre’s erratic madness*

Kob (has some doughnuts. EVERYBODY MOB KOB, HE’S GOT DOUGHNUTS!):
My orange? It has to be Hanna. She’s a stunner. Who would have thought that the director of Pride and Prejudice would be able deliver an (art house) action flick? Saoirse Ronan snaps necks and beats men twice her size. Add to that a group of Germans led by Tom Hollander, Eric Bana (or should I say ERIC BANA THE AWESOME) and Cate Blanchett hamming it up as an ‘Evil Queen’ . My Lemon? Something Borrowed. Romantic comedies don’t usually do it for me but this, this looks awful. With the double team of Ginnifer Goodwin and ‘former actress’ Kate Hudson as the two Horsemen of the RomCom apocalypse, I shall run to the ends of the earth to escape total annihilation by watching some syrupy, mushy rom-com. It’s meant to make me feel good, so why do I always feel crappy after watching them?

Orange Choice: Hanna
Ultimate Lemon: Something Borrowed

*We do love ending on a high. Have a good week!*