*Attempting to fight the Beast of Potter would be futile, so team BFF took to sheltering in a nearby hedge. It was all going fine until John started going on about his trousers getting creased, and now they have little choice but to run for their lives. Tash isn’t a strong runner.*

Steven (just going to say it):

There is not enough orange juice in the world to lavish upon the altar of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. Dragons. Trolls. Cornish pixies. This movie really does have everything. While other weeks have been open to negotiation – you can watch Larry Crowne if you promise to deface every poster you pass for Bad Teacher – this week is different; go see the final instalment of Warner Bros.’ Potter franchise or we really don’t have anything else to talk about. Take tissues, take a friend and, if you simply must eat something, take something quiet like a banana – this really is the motion picture event of our generation.

Orange Choice: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Ultimate Lemon: Bad Teacher

Sophie (why hoover when you can BROOM?):

Totally agree – this week it’s time to whip out your wands for the juice and tear filled love-fest that is the final Potter-fest. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll wish it wasn’t over and then you’ll mop up your tears and realise that you just experienced the best family film EVER (maybe exaggerating but who cares?). One film that will have you crying for different reasons is the extremely lemony The Three Disappearances Of Suad Hosni – a film about an unknown (to us anyway) Arab woman’s life, that may not have actually been her life but in fact a dreamed up life. Sounds like a mind-fuck waiting to happen.

Orange Choice: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Ultimate Lemon: The Three Disappearances Of Suad Hosni

Harry (now with Years Of Torment):

Having spent the remainder of my pre-teen, teen and early adult years being referred to as Harry Potter by any stranger whenever they found out my name was Harry, I naturally took a bit of a dislike to the series. Its continued success has only irked me more, and I abandoned the films after the 3rd one…y’know, the one where they go “Nobody can escape from Azkaban!”, and they next scene is “Someone’s escaped from Azkaban! No time to explain!”. Prft. I’d rather watch a homeless man turn vigilante on people’s asses, preferably in the form of a glorious homage to B-movies of yore. Hobo With A Shotgun it is.

Orange Choice: Hobo With A Shotgun
Ultimate Lemon: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Lucy (sensing a band-wagon):

On this week of very little except Harry Potter in our cinemas, I’m going to tell you no, don’t go. Like the little salmons we are, let’s go upstream and just let it all wash past us in some kind of freshwater refreshing water. No-one wants to cry because it’s the end of all things wizzardy so just do as I’m doing, and ignore! If you fancy spending a couple of hours looking at THE CUTEST KID EVER climbing trees then go and see Bal (Honey) . In all seriousness it’s a beautiful, absorbing movie and the third in Turkish director Semih Kaplanoglu’s three part portrayal of childhood (after Yumurta (egg) and Süt, (milk) and definitely a worthy alternative to HP.

Orange Choice: Bal
Ultimate Lemon: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2

*there’s a slight pause in the team’s frantic dash as editor-in-pain Tash stops both to massage her calves and laugh madly*

Tash (needs to stop imagining these things are real):

Are you insane, Lucy Burnage?! Have you actually seen Bal? I have, and I still have the bruising from where I tried to pull my own cheeks inside-out from boredom. In the seven hours (ish) it takes to watch Bal the following things happen: a boy looks out of a window, and a goat treads delicately on a stone. Forget all that, what you want to watch is Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara – an absolutely joy-tastic Bollywood road-comedy set in Spain. It’s Apatow without the annoyance of it actually being Apatow, and your life will be all the better for having watched it. Also, it features live bulls. LIVE BULLS.

Orange Choice: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Ultimate Lemon: Bal

DVB (muggle till he dies):

Blah Potter blah blah it all ends Jason Isaacs BLAH. Yes, yes, of course you’re going to see the wizard film, but it’ll still be on the big screen months from now. Instead, seek out Hobo With a Shotgun, a grindhouse homage that truly understands it’s source material. It’s crammed to the gills with sex, murder, sexy murder and murdery sex (maybe not that last one). Happily, there’s not a lot of terrible stuff out at the moment… Except for the many cinemas still screen Transformers 3D, which you should still be avoiding but clearly aren’t.

Orange Choice: Hobo With A Shotgun
Ultimate Lemon: Transformers 3D

*and with that, the team take to hiding under a wall, safe in the knowledge that Neville Longbottom and his cardigans will save their asses when the time comes*