With Papa Neish now a fully fledged cine-bot, John almost always six inches off the ground due to seating malfunctions and Magda probably on The Grid, it may be that the machines are taking over in BFF land. With this is mind, let us enjoy our final moments of freedom the only way we know how… By getting stuff for free.

Tash (the only survivor):

There is only one film this week that deserves your attention. Hell, it might be only film THIS LIFE that deserves your attention. That’s right, I’m talking DRIVE ANGRY mother-chuggers; an all-out, flaming-hot, super-shooty greasy naked EXTRAVAGANZA the likes of which your disgusting mind has only glimpsed in nightmares. Nic Cage is, once again, as boring as a water-flavoured cake, but EVERYTHING AROUND HIM IS ALWAYS EXPLODING so it doesn’t matter. In terms of what not to see, it’s got to be the joyless carcass that is Just Go With it. Again. I’m still not over it, I know I should be, but dammit I’m not.

ORANGE choice: Drive Angry 3D
LEMON of the week: Just Go With It

John (bested by flat-pack):

This week, there’s only one place to be – getting your West Is West on with George Khan and his deliciously dysfunctional family. It’s been eleven years since East Is East appeared on screen in a haze of fag smoke and a cry of “Bastard bitch!”, but time moves slowly in 1970s Salford and youngest child Sajid is now a fifteen year old menace in need of some cultural education. It’s charming. What’s not charming is I Am Number Four, Michael Bay’s paean to how much he’d like the opportunity to suck off a big CGI robot alien dog thing while Alex ‘look, I’m act-ing’ Pettyfer creaks in the background – it’s utterly dreadful, and if you want to see it then so are you.

ORANGE choice: West Is West
LEMON of the week: I am Number Four

Steven Neish (Half man, half reel):

There haven’t been enough exorcisms this year. Thank Satan, then, that Anthony Hopkins has put The Wolfman debacle behind him and decided that he is going to start acting in his movies again, starting with The Rite. It might not be perfect, but with a wonderfully old school feel about it, The Rite is undoubtedly the best exorcism tale since Emily Rose had her last really bad day. Every yin needs its yang, however, and there’s nothing yangier than I Am Number Four, the story of a superpowered alien who really, really want to go to school. Almost as thrilling as it sounds, the movie only comes to life in its final reel – providing you’re not too busy asking for your money back.

ORANGE Choice: The Rite
LEMON of the week: I am Number Four

and thus the mists of time begin to cover the decadent, hairy hills of BFF-topia, ever sinking into the bleak fog of-MADGA SUDDENLY APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE

Magda (breathing heavily, clutching some kind of cyber-amulet and dressed in full CGIadiator attire):

Whatever you do, don’t go and watch Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. It only fuels them. For all that is good, feast upon True Grit – the emotive acting and sand-based dialogue not only confuses their circuits, but makes their central communciation units all sticky. Please… I…

She faints, leaving Tash to clean up the remains as Steven has jumped ship to join his mechanical masters and John’s chair has just gone again.